|Season 3, episode 17|
|Air date||February 9, 1990|
|Previous||Bye, Bye Birdie|
A lot of friends are coming to D.J.'s 13th birthday party, including Kevin Gwynn, a boy she likes. Kimmy Gibbler tries to get D.J. and Kevin to dance with each other, but they are too nervous, so Kimmy, Kathy Santoni, and the rest try to get D.J. and Kevin to kiss by setting them up during a game of spin the bottle.
Meanwhile, during the party, the uninvited Stephanie sends Michelle out to the living room with a Polaroid camera to take a picture of the events going on, which surprises D.J. (see Quotes). If that's not bad enough, Stephanie outs D.J.'s love for Kevin, and D.J. is shocked that her sister would find out about it! (See Quotes.)
D.J. then allows the family to go out and say hello to Kevin and the rest of the guests, then has them say good-bye before escorting them all out, but Stephanie manages to get past the kitchen door and back into the party, and say hello to Kevin again before the birthday girl has to forcefully escort her back out (see Quotes).
In Michelle's room, she is having her own fun, singing and dancing (see Quotes). Just then, Comet enters the room, and Jesse tries to get the pup to sit, but it fails, leaving Michelle to do it herself (see Quotes).
Back at the party, after a spin, just as D.J. and Kevin are about to kiss, Danny, Jesse and Joey get a little too overprotective and try to prevent it from happening in a most embarrassing way. Becky tries to stop them, but to no avail (see Quotes and photo at right). D.J. becomes furious and feels humiliated by what the guys did and she feels that they have ruined her 13th birthday by humiliating her in front of her friends, so she storms off upstairs in tears. And despite Danny's "agreement", she is not fooled, and is even more shocked that they would try to do anything silly in front of her guests (see Quotes).
Becky then comes downstairs as Danny tries to explain, but she has a lecture for the guys (see Quotes). After she leaves to talk to D.J., the guys remember that they themselves played "spin the bottle" when they were around her age.
D.J. sits on her bed, crying and cuddling her "Pillow Person" when there is a knock on the door, to which she says that she does not want to talk about what happened. However, the knocker is Becky, and when she sarcastically asks if she can borrow $5, D.J. lets her in, and Becky mentions that she did not really need to borrow any money, but it was the only way to get D.J. to open the door. She promises that anything they talk about will just be between the two of them, such as first kisses (complete with inspirational music), and they do one for good measure (just as the music stops).
It seems the "woman-to-girl" talk worked (as in "A Little Romance"). The guys apologize to D.J. for overreacting, and D.J. apologizes for being angry at them. The guys agree to relax a little and try not to humiliate her like that anymore.
She returns to the party, which ends with Kimmy's apology, and Jake Bitterman, the guy that Kimmy was made to kiss during "spin the bottle", walks her home. Kevin returns to bring D.J. her card, and she nervously says, in her own giggly way, that Kimmy thinks they are the perfect couple. Nervously chuckling back, Kevin replies that Kimmy can't be wrong about everything.
D.J. walks Kevin out to where his bike is, and they say goodnight. Then, they kiss (right), after which Kevin tells D.J. that he will see her in Algebra class the following Monday, and she says that she will see him, too. After he pedals away, she screams, "yes!" and stares after him (as the studio audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[In the opening teaser, D.J.'s alarm clock goes off, which awakens her and Stephanie. She shuts off the alarm.]
Stephanie: [groggily] What time is it?
D.J.: It's 3:47 [turns her lamp on]. I was born on this day, exactly 13 years ago at 3:48 [gets out of bed].
Stephanie: [sits up] You have an excellent memory [rolls her eyes].
D.J.: [Stands at her mirror and looks at her watch] 4, 3, 2, 1. Yes [as she makes a double fist pump then turns to look at herself in the mirror]. I am now officially a teenager.
Stephanie: [sarcastically] Well, pin a rose on your nose.
D.J.: Well, I have to rest up for my party tonight. Oh, and don't forget, you're not invited.
Stephanie: I liked you better when you were a kid.
D.J.: Well, those days are over, because you're now sharing a room with a sophisticated, mature young woman. [Stephanie pulls the covers over her head as her sister hops back into bed, turns off the light, and lies down. After about a second, a big smile comes on her face, she kicks her legs, raises her arms, and screams:] I'm THIRTEEEEEN! [Which makes Stephanie sit straight up.]
[The birthday girl is shocked about Michelle 'crashing' her party with the camera.]
D.J.: [enters the kitchen] Dad, Stephanie sent Michelle to spy on my party.
Stephanie: [looks at the Polaroid result and sighs] All I got was a picture of the ceiling. Don't have a cow!
Jesse: [comes upstairs from the basement with Joey] There she is, Joey. It's the birthday girl. Let's get her again.
D.J.: No! Not again!
Guys: [singing (see Trivia)] '13 Candles! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!'
D.J.: [stopping them] Please! They'll hear you in there! Stephanie, you're supposed to be out with Joey.
Stephanie: It so happens that we were just leaving on our date. Joey and I are going to the Daffy Duck film festival.
Joey: [imitating Daffy] And after, we'll go out for pee-thha [spitting in Jesse's eye]. Thhorry [as Jesse wipes his eye].
D.J.: What are you guys doing down here? I thought we had an agreement.
Danny: Yes, we do. Our agreement is that you and your friends behave responsibly and we'll stay out of your way. I'll be right upstairs with Becky working on Monday's show (Wake Up, San Francisco). So let us just say hello to your guests, show them a little bit of your baby photos, maybe run that video of your first bath...
Stephanie: I just wanna meet Kevin Gwynn, the boy you're secretly in love with.
D.J.: You little sneak! You read my diary!
Stephanie: Hey, it's not my fault. You left it in the bottom of the sock drawer, with the key taped under your bed, where anyone could find it.
[The birthday girl gets the family back out of the party after saying hi.]
D.J.: Out, out, out!
Stephanie: So, you're Kevin Gwynn. I've read so much about you [in D.J.'s diary].
D.J.: Stephanie, for the last time, get out and stay out!
D.J.: ...rude! Bye! [She escorts her sister out.]
[In Michelle's room, she is dancing with a plush Bugs Bunny (that's taller than she is) as her music box appropriately plays "Music Box Dancer", while her uncle watches in the doorway.]
Jesse: Now this is a party! You got singin', dancin', cwazy wabbits (as Elmer Fudd would say).
Michelle: He's not crazy.
[But then, Comet comes in.]
Jesse: Hold it, fur-ball. Why do you always follow me around?
Michelle: The doggy can't talk.
Jesse: I know that. [to Comet] Hey, you! Out! [Comet licks his shoe.] Hey!
Michelle: Comet loves you.
Jesse: Alright, Comet. I'm gonna teach you who's the master and who's the mutt around here, OK? Teach you a very simple command, and all the dogs know it. It's very simple, and it's called 'sit'. You ready? Sit. [But Comet doesn't sit.] Sit. [But again, Comet doesn't sit.] Put your butt on the carpet, dog.
Michelle: Be nice to the doggy. Sit, Comet. [He does so.] You get a cookie [which he munches on]. [to Jesse] See? Be nice.
Jesse: Alright. I'm gonna dig deep into my soul and try to be nice to this mutt. Hello, Comet. Comet, you're such a pretty dog. Comet-poo, why don't you try sitting, huh, pal? Come on, Comet. Will you sit for me, pally? Come on, here. It's very simple. Let me show you how it's done. [demonstrating] You simply put your back legs down and-- See how I'm doing it? See, Comet? I'm sitting.
Michelle: Very good. You get a cookie! [She puts it in Jesse's mouth.]
[The guys decide to eavesdrop on the party via the fireplace in Danny's bedroom. All three stick their heads in it.]
Kimmy: Alright, everybody, sit in a circle. Elliott, turn off the lights. Which one of you wants to 'spin the bottle' first?
Guys: 'Spin the bottle'?! [They bump their heads.] Ow!
Becky: Ha! Serves you right.
Danny: We gotta get down there, right now.
Becky: [as she runs to get in front of them and block the doorway] No. Wait a minute! Hold it, you guys! Now, this is D.J.'s first boy-girl party. You can't go barging in there like a SWAT team.
Jesse: She's right. We gotta come up with some legitimate excuses... Then, we go barging in there like a SWAT team.
Joey: After I get something for this headache.
Jesse: [doing his own Daffy imitation] How about some attth-prin?
[D.J. and Kevin are standing in the center of the room, looking at each other [as Crazy for You (Madonna song) plays] (shown in infobox photo).]
Kimmy: Come on, Deej. You're supposed to kiss. [...] Come on, you guys. You gotta kiss. So, kiss, kiss, kiss.
D.J.: I think they want us to kiss.
Kevin: I think you're right.
Danny: [Thwarting what he assumed was about to happen, he enters from the kitchen and turns on the lights while holding a bowl of popcorn.] Nope. Nothing wrong with the lights. Switch was in the wrong position.
Joey: [also coming downstairs with a bowl] Peanuts! Popcorn! Programs! [tosses bags at the guests] You don't know the kids without a program!
Jesse: [coming in through the front door with a cassette tape] Hey, hey, hey! It's Uncle J coming to you live with the sounds of today with the latest in fast-dancing, no-touching music!
Danny: Would you look at that? [picks up the bottle they were using for 'spin the bottle'] Ha, ha! There's that ketchup bottle I've been looking for. Let's go find a hamburger, shall we? [...]
Jesse: [goes to the top of the steps to ask the kids] Okay, who wants to dance?
Girls: [all the female guests come forward] I do!
Jesse: No, not with me! [guides them back to the middle of the room] With the boys! Remember, no touching! Space is your friend! 'We'll have fun, fun, fun 'til your daddy takes the' ketchup bottle away! (see Trivia)
[D.J. is not happy with the guys ruining what should be (or should've been) the happiest day of her life.]
D.J.: Oh, ya coulda fooled me! [to Joey] 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' [to Jesse] 'Uncle J with no-touching music.' That was real subtle. [to Danny] Not to mention, 'Ha, ha! There's that ketchup bottle I've been looking for.'
Danny: D.J., as long as these kids are in my house, I'm responsible for them. And I don't think their parents would appreciate me letting them playing "spin the bottle".
D.J.: How'd you know about it, anyway? Were you listening at the door?
Joey: No, the fireplace. [And he gets slapped by Jesse.]
Danny: D.J., about these kissing games...
D.J.: Dad, I didn't even... I wasn't even... I never... Forget it! I can't talk to you about this. Thanks for ruining my birthday! [She runs upstairs angry, just as Becky is coming down and has to sidestep her.]
Becky: What happened?
Danny: She hates me.
Becky: Oh, she doesn't hate you.
Jesse: If she hates anybody, she hates me. I'm the one who came up with that 'Uncle J' stuff.
Becky: You guys have to realize that D.J.'s a teenager now. This is a really confusing time in her life.
Danny: [sighs] It's times like this I really wish D.J. had a mother. Becky, would you do me a huge favor?
Becky: No Danny, I won't marry you... but I will talk to D.J.
Becky: You're welcome.
[Becky makes good on her promise to talk to the birthday girl.]
Becky: [as she walks over and sits next to D.J.] So, what happened?
D.J.: [still sniffling] Oh, Becky, we were playing 'spin the bottle', and they set it up so that Kevin and I were gonna kiss. And I really like him. And I kinda wanted to. But I didn't want to, you know? 'Cause everyone was watching, and I've never kissed anyone before.
Becky: D.J., you should never do something just because people want you to do it. A kiss is a very special and very personal thing – especially your first kiss.
D.J.: I was a little scared.
Becky: Everybody's scared about their first kiss.
D.J.: Kimmy wasn't.
Becky: Never go by Kimmy. ... Well, I was scared about my first kiss. [gets up to tell the story] It was at a school picnic. Jimmy Stone and I just won a 3-legged race, and then we went for a walk down by the pond, which wasn't easy because we were still tied together. And we both went to untie the knot, and we bumped heads, and we started laughing so hard that we fell over. And then, he kissed me. I'll never forget that.
D.J.: I hope mine's that nice.
Becky: [walks over and crouches down in front of her] It will be. Just wait for the right time and the right guy.
D.J.: How will I know?
Becky: Listen to your heart. You’ll know.
D.J.: Thanks. It’s really hard to talk to the guys and my dad about this kind of stuff.
Becky: Well, I’m always here for you. But don’t forget, no matter what your problem is, your dad, and Uncle Jesse and Joey are always on your side, ’cause they love you very much. Now, get back to your party.
[They hug and kiss on the cheek.]
D.J.: Why couldn't I just do that to Kevin?
- The episode title is a take on the 1958 song "16 Candles" (which Jesse & Joey sing a little of the tune, changing "16" to "13") and the 1984 film named for it
- The second of two episodes where someone aside from Stephanie uses her signature phrase "How rude!" (the first: "No More Mr. Dumb Guy" [3.13])
- The last of two episodes to air in 1990, but tape in 1989 (hence the 'MCMLXXXIX' copyright date, instead of 'MCMXC'); the first was "Misadventures in Babysitting"
- Jesse saying "You'll have fun, fun, fun, 'til Daddy takes the ketchup bottle away" is a reference to the Beach Boys song "Fun, Fun, Fun ('Til Her Daddy Takes the T-Bird Away)"
- Candace Cameron has said that this was not only her character's first kiss, but her first kiss as well, and right before its filming, she asked co-star Lori Loughlin if she should have her eyes open or closed – Lori said, "closed"
- D.J.'s baby photos and her first bath (video here, photo in the latter) would be referenced in "Crushed" (season 5)
- Songs played during the party: "My Prerogative" and "Crazy for You" (instrumental); the former was played in "Lust in the Dust"