|A House Divided|
|Season 7, episode 24|
|Air date||May 17, 1994|
|Writer(s)||Teleplay: Tom Burkhard, Adam I. Lapidus & Carolyn Omine |
Story: Dennis Rinsler & Marc Warren
|Previous||Too Little Richard Too Late|
|Next||Comet's Excellent Adventure|
Jesse and the twins are playing with their new outdoor play set indoors, when Becky comes in. He explains to her that the reason for this is that Danny reseeded the grass outside, and he is about to go blame Danny, one-on-one when Becky tells him that Danny is waxing the hallway floor, which makes things worse. When the twins ask Jesse to slide on the slide, he does not want to, and they give him "The Lip" (apparently borrowed from Michelle), so he helps them go down the slide.
Complaints arise when the house seems to be too "full". Joey is in the bathroom too long according to D.J., who waits to take a bath. Michelle annoys Stephanie with her harmonica playing when Stephanie needs to study.
Danny talks to Joey about D.J.'s complaint (see Quotes). Then, amidst the girls fighting, Jesse complains to Danny that he needs to show a little consideration for some of the other people living in the house, saying that Danny does everything without consulting him: closing the backyard, waxing the floor, rearranging the cupboard, defrosting the fridge, and even Scotchguarding his old high school yearbook. He asks if Danny sees a pattern developing, and Danny does... except there is another pattern developing, and it's that Jesse complains too much.
Suddenly, the doorbell rings and everyone heads downstairs complaining to Danny. But as soon as he calms everyone down and opens the door, there's nobody there! The complaining starts up again, and after Danny quiets everybody down, he decides to hold a family meeting after dinner. Then Joey comes downstairs, squeaky clean as ever. This leads to more mayhem as the girls rush upstairs to see who'll get to use the bathroom first (and D.J. wants to make good on her date plans by going first), but suddenly, Joey realizes he left his garlic bread in there! So he rushes back to get it.
Then, millionaire industrialist Lou Bond shows up, wanting to buy the house from Danny, because Mr. Bond used to live in the house before the Tanners moved in years ago, and it is the house that Mr. Bond grew up in. Michelle is the only one who is against the idea of selling the house and moving out of it, so she tries everything to stop the sale from happening.
Later that night, after dinner, Danny calls a family meeting as planned. After a couple of complaints are raised, Danny says that he still has the floor, and brings up the main issue that Mr. Bond wants to buy the house from them (see Quotes). The thing is, Bond's offer for the house is double its current value, thus allowing the family to buy a bigger house in the same neighborhood where no one's going to drive each other nuts (see Quotes). He then realizes that this is the first family meeting where everyone agrees on something for a change, and says that the decision is final—they are all moving out. Everyone is happy with the fact that they can have their own thing, from their own bathroom to their own bedroom— except for a very unhappy Michelle.
The next day, everyone looks at various housing options (even Steve). Jesse and Becky find a house with a hot tub and the twins ask what that is (see Quotes).
Upstairs, the girls all discuss the possibilities of their own rooms in the new house, including Michelle, who is entertaining her friends Denise and Teddy. they have to get ready for an inspection. After they all get the 4-1-1 on an upcoming inspection (see Quotes), the three of them put their heads together (figuratively and literally) to come up with a plan to stop the sale. Plan A involves the Yellow Pages and a failed phone call to "buy" some vermin (see Quotes).
From Teddy squirting Bond with a water gun for the "leaky roof", to Comet and his friends showing up in her room as the "vermin", and slanting D.J.'s room for the "broken foundation", Michelle's Plan B seems to be coming to fruition.
Suddenly, everyone else comes home from their various housing explorations, as well as having gone out to eat during the inspection (see Quotes). With the help of her friends, and the neighborhood dogs, Michelle lets it be known how she feels about moving. And thanks to her and "The Lip" (see Trivia), everyone realizes that the house they are in has been a part of the family for years. Everyone reminisces about their own memories in the house. And they realize that it is more than just a house—it is where they have had so many good times together (see Quotes). So, Danny changes his mind and decides not to sell.
Just after the decision is made to stay, Kimmy arrives. She says that she and her mom have been arguing about whether her sneakers or her clogs stink more (see Quotes), and Mr. Bond is glad that it turned out the way it did after all (and he leaves).
While D.J. has good news for her best friend, Stephanie has bad news for the shoes (see Quotes). When Denise notices that Comet left with the other dogs, she takes him back, reminding him where he lives, and Michelle reminding everyone where they live.
D.J.: [impatiently waiting outside the bathroom door] Come on, Joey! You've been in there for almost an hour!
Joey: Almost an hour? I reserved the bathroom for exactly an hour.
D.J.: Aw, Joey, come on! I've got a date tonight!
Joey: Hey, I followed all the rules, I filled out all the forms; I even sent out a memo. [He sings Italian as he scrubs his back, but all it does is irritate D.J. even more.]
D.J.: [repeatedly banging on the door] Joey, come on! Joey! [Her former roommate walks by.] Hey, did you know that Joey reserved the bathroom for a whole hour?
Stephanie: Gotta read those memos. [She heads to her room and finds her current roommate sitting on her bed, playing her harmonica.] Oh, no. Harmonica Girl lives. Michelle, give me a break. It's been three days.
Michelle: I have to practice "Down in the Valley" [tries to start up again, but gets as far as one note].
Stephanie: [snatches the harmonica out of her sister's hand] Why don't you practice down in the basement? [Michelle looks at her, disgusted.] I have to study.
Michelle: In case you're wondering why my name is on the wall [as the camera cuts to a wide shot to reveal such and then quickly back to her], it's because it's my room too [and snatches the harmonica right back].
[Joey is delivered a pizza while taking a bath.]
Pizza deliverer: [to Joey as he comes out of the bathroom] Thanks, dude! [His tip is covered with bubbles – which he blows off.]
Danny: [yelling through the door] Joey! [then banging on the door] Joey! When you're finished, there better not be a pepperoni ring around the tub!
[Cut to wide shot as Stephanie dashes into the hall with the harmonica in hand, causing Michelle to give chase.]
Michelle: Give it back, harmonica stealer!
Stephanie: No way, music murderer! [Her sister makes a dash towards her, and she keeps a tight grip on it as a fight breaks out.] No!
D.J.: [running towards them and breaking them up] Guys! Guys, stop fighting! Dad does not want to hear your petty problems! ... Dad, I'm not going to have enough time to dry my hair! [All three begin complaining to their father at the same time.] Joey's been in there for over an hour!
Danny: Guys, guys, guys! Hey, hey! I can only handle one problem at a time, okay? Now, cover me. I'm going in. [enters the bathroom as Joey munches on a slice of pizza] Oh, this is a pretty picture. You know, I like Italian food in the bathroom as much as the next guy, but don't you think you've been in here long enough?
Joey: [puts down his pizza slice on the box] Danny, I share the bathroom with three girls. There's always someone in here blow-drying, moisturizing, tweezing... All I'm asking for is an hour of peace and quiet, where I can gather my thoughts.
Danny: Yeah, I guess you're right. Every man deserves a chance to sit back and reflect on the deeper meanings of life.
Joey: Thank you, Danny. [excitedly] Alright, tub hockey [pulling out a rubber duck and rubber shark]! Here we go! Sharks vs. the Ducks! [making the "Charge!" fanfare trumpet sound with his mouth] Charge! [...]
[The doorbell rings.]
Danny: [to Joey] That'd better not be the falafel guy. [As he exits the bathroom, he is met with...]
Jesse: Dad! I mean, Danny.
[The girls and Jesse follow Danny downstairs, all complaining to him.]
Danny: Would everybody please chill?! There's somebody at the door! [And he opens it, only to find out...] There's nobody at the door! [More complaining...] Okay! Hold it. Hold it! [Everyone finally quiets down.] Okay. After dinner tonight, we'll have a little family meeting, and everybody can just put all their complaints in and lodge them formally.
Jesse: Good, 'cause let me tell you a little something: I'm going to lodge a large one.
Kimmy: [coming out of the kitchen with an empty milk carton] You're running out of moo juice, Pops.
Danny: I'm running out of patience, Gibs.
Kimmy: [as she drinks the milk] Eww, this stuff's gone chunky!
Danny: And it's yours as a lovely parting gift! [in a game show announcer voice] Kimmy Gibbler, go on home! [She exits, closing the front door on her way out. Danny then returns to the matter at hand.] Wait a minute. Lou Bond? Of the Bond Foundation? Bond Plaza? The Bond Trade Towers?
Mr. Bond: Ah, the Bond Trade Towers was my father. And, this was our house before daddy hit it big. I lived here the first 12 years of my life. Lots of marvelous memories.
[Up in the attic apartment...]
Jesse: Alright, if he wants a family meeting, I will make a list of complaints [with a pencil in hand]. First complaint: I hate family meetings.
Becky: Jess, give it a rest, huh? Hey, the boys are napping. And you know what that means [smiling].
Jesse: [tosses the pencil in the air, looks into her eyes, and in a sexy voice...] Oh yeah.
Becky: We get to use the slide! [They make a mad dash to see who gets to go first.] No! No, honey! I wanna go!
Jesse: I'm going first! [pulling her off the steps]
Becky: No! Honey, let me go first. No, get back here.
Jesse: [sliding down and she grabs his ears] The ears! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow [as Danny and Mr. Bond walk in].
Danny: Guys, I hope we're not interrupting anything... weird.
Becky: [She freezes.] No problem [as she releases her grip on his ears].
[In the living room, the family meeting is underway.]
Jesse: Alright [clears his throat as he flips his notepad to address an item on his complaint list]. Lack of consideration: On March 4, 1989, Danny paints the banister without telling anyone. I slide down said banister on my way to a job interview, at which I am nicknamed "skunk pants".
Danny: Jess, I still have the floor here [in the meeting].
Jesse: Fine. If you're gonna have the floor, and you're going to wax it, tell us.
Danny: OK. [assuming the floor again...] Alright, as you all know, Mr. Bond – Lou Bond – is a very wealthy man. Now, he has everything he's ever wanted his entire life, except for one thing: to live here – in the house he grew up in.
D.J.: Forget it. There's enough people living here already.
Joey: He's sharing your bathroom.
Danny: No, guys; he doesn't wanna live here with us. He wants to buy the house. [...] And he's offering me twice what it's worth. [...] Which means we could buy an even bigger house in this exact same neighborhood, and then we wouldn't drive each other so crazy, maybe.
Stephanie: I can have my own room!
D.J.: I can have my own bathroom!
Jesse: I could have my own kitchen, I could have my own living room, I could have my own backyard...
Becky: Honey, it's called a house.
Jesse: That's what I'm saying. I mean, you know, we've been talking about moving to our own house someday. Maybe, maybe that someday is now.
Becky: Well, the boys could use some more growing space. I mean, they're not getting any shorter.
Joey: I'm definitely ready to move into my own place. After all, I'm a grown man. Plus, I need more shelf space for my toys.
Danny: You know what? I think this is the first family meeting where we all actually agree on something. Well, that's it then. I mean, we're, we're out of here. We're moving.
[Jesse and Becky are in the kitchen looking at listings of houses on the market, as their twins play nearby.]
Becky: Oh, Jess, look at this house on Lynnwood Street. It's got a big backyard, central air... and a hot tub.
Jesse: Ooh, a hot tub. I love hot tubs. Hey boys, how would you like to live in a house with a hot tub?
Nicky: What's a hot tub?
Jesse: It's cool. It's like a... it's like a really big bathtub.
Nicky: No bath!
Alex: No way!
Becky: No, no guys, this tub is outside, and you don't have to use soap.
Nicky: Now you tell me.
[Steve also helps Joey with his housing options.]
Steve: So my mom says if you buy a condo from her real estate office, I get half the commission, plus one of those really cool yellow jackets.
Joey: Hey, look at this one, huh? Natural Meadows.
Steve: Yeah, I sold one of those yesterday.
Joey: Look at all these cool activities: lawn bowling, shuffleboard tether-ball [turns the page], and look at how happy all these people are.
Jesse: That's 'cause they're all naked! It's a nudist colony!
Steve: Oh, my God! I'd better give Father O'Connell his check back [quickly leaves].
[Upstairs, Michelle entertains Denise and Teddy with her harmonica, when her sisters enter.]
Stephanie: When I decorate my own room, I'm gonna put my bed by my window, my dresser by my door, and Michelle down the hall.
Michelle: [sarcastically] Ha ha ha.
D.J.: Michelle, when we move out [of the current house and into the new one], you're gonna have your own room again. If Stephanie comes in, you can throw her out.
Michelle: [sadly] Can I practice now?
D.J.: Later. Dad says we have to clean up because tonight Mr. Bond's coming over for an inspection.
Michelle: What's he inspecting for?
D.J.: Well, he has to check everything out and make sure it's perfect or else he won't buy the house. You know, make sure the foundation's straight, there are no leaks, and especially there's no infestation.
Teddy: What's infestation?
Stephanie: You know, vermin. Disgusting stuff like termites, rats, silverfish, roaches.
Teddy & Denise: Ewww!
D.J.: But don't worry. Dad's devoted his entire life to keeping vermin out of the house.
Stephanie: Except Kimmy.
[In the kitchen, Michelle, flanked by her friends, uses the Yellow Pages to make a call to an exterminator.]
Michelle: Hello? ... I'd like to order some vermin. ... Eww! Thanks, anyway. Bye [hangs up].
Teddy: What'd they say?
Michelle: They don't sell them; they only kill them. We need another plan.
[The rest of the family has just come home from going out for dinner.]
D.J.: We're home!
Joey: Yeah, we brought you a doggy bag! [He sets it on the dining table.]
[Just then, Comet's (dog) friends run out the open back door.]
Jesse: Huh, must be Comet's poker night.
[Then, the last dog, little Sparky, comes through, jumps on the table, and snags the bag on his way out.]
Danny: Michelle, we need to talk. And expect the phrase "grounded for life" to come up a lot. Mr. Bond, I am so sorry. [stoops to Michelle's level] Michelle, if you were this upset about moving, why didn't you come and talk to us about it?
Michelle: You were all going crazy. Everyone was talking about hot tubs and telephones in the bathroom. Nobody cared that we're not gonna be living together anymore.
Danny: Sweetheart, we care. We were just trying to make things a little better around here.
Michelle: It already is better. It's the best house I've ever lived in.
D.J.: Michelle, it's the only house you've ever lived in.
Michelle: It's a great house. Everything happened here. Don't you guys remember? [...] Well, if you love this house, then why are we moving? Aren't you guys gonna miss us [pouting]?
Jesse: There it is – the Lip; the Lip. That's where Nicky and Alex get it [originally passed on from Stephanie to Michelle].
Mr. Bond: [watching close by] Well, that was a Hallmark moment. But now back to business. Mr. Tanner, what check would you prefer? I have "Giants in American Industry" or "Kittens in a Cookie Jar".
Danny: Hold on, sir. [to everyone] You know what? Michelle's right. This house is more than just walls and a ceiling. It's our lives.
D.J.: Yeah, I remember when we first moved in here with Mom. Man, this place was so big — it was like a castle.
Stephanie: And you know, I remember when I couldn't even reach that counter. Joey had to lift me up to get to the cookie jar.
Joey: Well, I wasn't going to leave my fingerprints on the lid, that's for sure.
Jesse: Danny, when I moved in, I thought I'd be here for a few months to help you, you know, help you raise the girls and everything. I mean, I had no idea I'd be living here for 7 years, getting married in this house, raising my own kids here... It's the best move I ever made. Thanks for reminding me, Michelle.
Michelle: No problem.
Becky: Well Jess, I guess that hot tub will have to wait. We don't have a lot of room here, but we have a lot of love, a lot of laughs... and a lot of babysitters.
Kimmy: [entering through the back door] Hey. You guys have gotta help me. My mom and I are having a big argument. Now, which stinks more: my sneakers or my clogs?
Everyone (except Mr. Bond): Oh! [They back away, wave the odors, and/or hold their noses.]
Mr. Bond: [with a Transatlantic accent] You again. Who are you?
Kimmy: The next-door 'neigh-bar' [imitating his accent].
Mr. Bond: [to the family] Sometimes, things work out for the best. [as he leaves, he answers her question:] The sneakers.
D.J.: Hey, Kimmy, guess what? We're staying!
Stephanie: But your shoes are leaving. [She tosses them outside, and the odors cause the dogs to yelp and run off.] Well, that cleared the yard.
Denise: [entering the back door with Comet] Comet, you live here [and leaves].
Michelle: We all live here. [Everyone puts their arms around each other and Danny, Michelle, and Stephanie pet the dog – as shown in the infobox.]
- The last appearance of Steve Hale as a main character (though he makes an appearance toward the end of the series finale)
- The last appearance of Michelle’s friend Denise Fraser (and no mention of her again)
- This was considered to be the series finale, but they decided to renew with season eight
- The second episode to feature Michelle's pout ("The Lip"); the first being "Stephanie Gets Framed" where after she is too late to buy from the ice cream truck and D.J. suggests that she save up her piggy bank money for other things, and treat herself to some Fudgsicles from the freezer
- A plotline very similar to this one was used for the series finale of the popular sitcom Step by Step (also produced by Miller-Boyett Productions, in association with Lorimar Television/Warner Bros. Television, and distributed by Warner Bros. Domestic Television Distribution)
- Joey's "bath hockey" with a rubber duck and rubber shark is an homage to a popular NHL rivalry between the Anaheim Ducks and the San Jose Sharks (in fact, around the time this season began, this was the Ducks' first season in the NHL)
- When Kimmy says that the Tanners' milk has gone sour, the audience can be heard going "Ewww!"
- Goof: In Stephanie and Michelle's fight for Michelle's harmonica, when Michelle asks Stephanie to give her harmonica back, the harmonica is in Stephanie's right hand. But when the fight actually starts, it's in her left hand.
- A promo for the airing also included an additional promo for a double-header of Roseanne (the original) in place of that night's Phenom
- A House Divided:
- The episode title comes from the beginning of a quote by Abraham Lincoln: "A house divided against itself cannot stand", referring to the Civil War
- Bond: "The name is Bond, Lou Bond"
- From Secret Agent 007, James Bond, and how he introduces himself to someone