| Back to School Blues | |
| Season 3, episode 2 | |
 | |
| Air date | September 29, 1989 |
| Writer(s) | Jeff Franklin |
| Director | Bill Foster |
| Previous | Tanner's Island |
| Next | Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (in 22 Minutes) |
Back to School Blues is episode two of season three on Full House. It originally aired on September 29, 1989.
Jesse and Michelle are playing "hide-and-(go)-seek" in the living room, and Michelle thinks she has the concept down. But, in reality, she doesn't. So Jesse has to have a "little talk" with her and explain how the game really works, and explain that she's playing a different game called "Hide and say 'Here I am'". When she tries to be the seeker, it fails, so it is clear that she has a lot of comprehension and practice to do; especially the fact that, as the seeker, she has to cover her eyes all the way.
Synopsis
Stephanie, who is entering 2nd grade, is the only Tanner left in her school, and she expects her first day of the school year to turn out to be a bad day, as she won't have her older sister to stick up for her anymore. But instead, against her expectations, it turns out to be a good day for her. In fact, she will be able to be recognized more, because when anyone says "Tanner", they will know that they are talking to her. On the other hand, however, as happy as she is about not having to deal with recess anymore (see Quotes), and the fact that she's entering her "young woman" years, the same can't be said for 12-year-old D.J., who is entering 7th grade, which is a step closer to becoming a teenager. On her first day in junior high, she is separated from her best friend Kimmy except for one class. Humiliated by a mean girl Colleen and her clique, all the kids see that she is wearing the same outfit as Mrs. Agbabian, and she has to eat lunch in a phone booth. It is times like these that has her wishing she was back in the 6th grade so her sister can stick up for her, just like the other way around.
Meanwhile, Joey tries to teach Jesse how to play golf in order to impress a golfing client. When Jesse comes out wearing a pink golfing shirt and pink patchy pants, it brings laughter from Joey and Michelle. They practice their swings. As Jesse gets set, he moves his hips and legs like Elvis did, and his swing makes a tear in the lawn and continues to do so even after Joey has him use one of the balls from Michelle's toy golf set, which she has brought out to participate with. But they are both put to shame when Michelle uses her mini-golf set and putts a hole-in-one.
The next morning, D.J., along with Kimmy, decides to put on makeup. The reason why is because she believes the only way to fit in among the other students is to do what virtually the other 7th graders are doing when they put on makeup—look twice as old as she really is, and to show that she is indeed a "young woman". Stephanie wants to join in on the makeup fun, but D.J. turns her down (see Quotes).
Before they head off to school, while Danny does approve of the blue dress that Kimmy's wearing, he does not approve of the black dress that D.J.'s wearing. She insists that she wants to look more "junior high-ish", but he thinks that not only is she overdoing it, she is going way too far (see Quotes). She storms off upstairs, leaving the guys shocked and speechless, and in more ways than one. But then they realize that they are raising, not just a "young woman", but, of all things, a "young woman" about to become a teenager; meaning that she will soon be driving a car, going to wild parties, and even dating guys.
In her room, while D.J. wants Danny to leave her alone, he tells her that he can't do that, as he is her dad. She mentions the above events (see Quotes), and all she wants is for people to like her, and he assures her that they will, as soon as they get to know her. He also reminds her that she can't go from 12 to 25 overnight.
Just as soon as their chat ends, Becky comes in, and Danny lets her help D.J. with the makeup. Then Michelle comes in, takes D.J.'s lipstick, and colors some on his nose (see Quotes).
Later that day, Kimmy's schedule changes so that she and D.J. can have the same lunch. They, with 2 new friends from D.J.'s English class, sit at Colleen's gang's table. Colleen refuses to sit with them, despite the invitation. The four new friends joke about it (see Quotes).
Guest star
Lucy Lee Flippin plays Mrs. Agbabian. She is known for playing Miss Wilder (also a teacher) on Little House on the Prairie (1979–1981).
Quotes
[The opening teaser: Jesse and Michelle are playing "Hide and (go) seek" in the living room, with Jesse sitting on the couch with his eyes covered. Apparently, he is the "seeker".]
Jesse: 9, 10... OK, ready or not, here I come!
[Michelle comes out from behind the couch.]
Michelle: Here I am!
Jesse: Michelle, come here. We're gonna have to have a little chat, you and I. See, the name of the game is called "Hide and go seek". You're playing "Hide and say 'Here I am'". Capisce?
Michelle: Capisce.
Jesse: OK, let's play again. But this time I'll hide, and you come seek me, OK? So you count to three. Cover your eyes! [She does so, or so she thinks.] Cover your--No! No peeking! NO PEEKING! Alright, ready? [She tries to peek, but gets caught.] Ah, ah, ah! [He hides behind the couch this time.] Alright, count!
Michelle: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Here I am! [Jesse pops up from behind the couch, humiliated.] I win again. Capisce?
Jesse: [humiliated] Capisce. [But his humiliation turns to joy when he kisses her, jumps over the couch, and tackles her.]
[As D.J. and Stephanie get ready for their first day of the new school year, Stephanie finishes filling her backpack, and D.J. is looking in the mirror and doing her hair. Stephanie walks up to her, and looks at her watch, preparing for the last few minutes of freedom... well, for quite some time.]
Stephanie: D.J., if it's not right by now, put on a hat.
[She sits on D.J.'s bed as her sister explains the hairdo.]
D.J.: Stephanie, today's my first day of junior high school, and I wanna look perfect. [She turns back to the mirror.] Wait...almost...there! Quick! Spray! [There are two hairspray bottles on the bed, and Stephanie hands her sister one while she helps out with the other.] Alright. All over. Keep spraying. Get...every...inch. [At last, the spraying comes to a stop.] Alright...perfect.
Stephanie: [She puts her bottle down and taps D.J.'s hair.] Very natural.
[Her sister takes the other bottle back as both girls sit down at their little table and make their final preparations before departure.]
D.J.: Finally, I'm going to a school that doesn't have a sandbox.
Stephanie: How can you be so happy? This is the first time we won't be at the same school. Aren't you gonna miss me like crazy? [She smiles and wiggles her eyebrows at her sister.]
D.J.: Stephanie, try to understand. You are a child. I'm a young adult. And starting today, we live in different worlds.
Stephanie: We don't even live in different rooms.
D.J.: [cringing at that remark] Please don't remind me.
Stephanie: Come on, Deej. Stay at my school. I need my big sister to stick up for me. What if some kid calls me a "lame-oid zombie dog"?
D.J.: I dunno, bite 'em. Look, I didn't have a big sister to stick up for me, and I did fine. So will you.
Stephanie: But when I get to junior high, you'll be in high school. When I get to high school, you'll be in college. And when I get to college, you'll...be working at McDonald's.
Danny: Girls, I got your lunches!
D.J.: Dad, we're right behind you!
Danny: Well, here are your lunches [handing the brown bag to D.J and lunch box to Stephanie].
Kimmy: Mr. Tanner, wake up. In junior high, the cool kids buy their lunch. If you wanna be a good dad, give her a bag of cash.
Danny: Here, D.J. [He gives her some cash for once.] Buy yourself some lunch, and [gives her more cash as he takes back the brown bag]...make some new friends.
Becky: You guys are gonna have such a great time. Junior high was when I got my first boyfriend, my first slow dance, my first slow kiss. And then I woke up, and it was all a dream.
D.J.: Goodbye, Dad. See you later [departs with Kimmy].
Danny: Bye bye. Have fun.
Michelle: Wait for me. I go too.
Joey: [quickly stopping her] Hold on, you little Sesame Streaker. You don't start nursery school till next year.
D.J.: But here, Michelle; you can practice with a real school lunch [gives her the brown bag].
Michelle: No cookies?
Stephanie: Well, I'm going now. The only Tanner left in my whole school.
Danny: Steph, it's gonna be--
Stephanie: No, really, it's a beautiful thing.
[At Van Atta Junior High School, D.J. picks up her new schedule and is literally a fish out of water as she bumps into a girl and her friends.]
Colleen: Look out, scrub! These new kids are so tiny. They're embryonic.
Kimmy: [having picked up her own schedule] D.J.
D.J.: Kimmy! Don't ever leave my side again. That kid has a mustache.
Kimmy: These people, they're, like, totally mature.
D.J.: Where are we? Young and the Restless Junior High?
Kimmy: Let me see your schedule. We only have one class together, sixth-period Spanish.
Kathy: D.J., Gibbler, hi.
D.J.: Hi. Do we know you?
Kathy: Duh! We only went to school together for the past six years? Kathy Santoni.
D.J. & Kimmy: Kathy Santoni?
Kimmy: You grew up.
D.J.: Big time.
Kathy: Pretty intense summer. Okay, here's what I found out so far: All the cute guys take metal shop, and everyone makes out after school on the football field.
Kimmy: Everyone?
Kathy: Well, maybe not everyone.
[In the yard, Joey is practicing his golf swings as Michelle comes out with her Little Tikes miniature golf set.]
Michelle: I play golf too.
Joey: No, Michelle. You sit right here [in the little beach chair] and watch Uncle Jesse get a golf lesson first. Okay, babe?
Michelle: Got it, dude [with the thumbs-up].
Jesse: [emerging with a pink shirt and pink pants] Thanks for the clothes. If the sun goes down, we can play by the light of my pants.
Joey: Hey, we're doing this to impress the client.
Jesse: How, by burning out his retinas?
Joey: Get your mind off your pants. Watch my swing.
Jesse: Right. That's it? That's the whole thing? Piece of cake. Watch the kid take care of business here. [He shakes his hips like Elvis, and Joey immediately takes notice.]
Joey: Jess. Elvis never made one golf movie.
Jesse: Easy target. Here we go.
Michelle: Daddy be mad.
Jesse: Not if Michelle be quiet.
Michelle: My turn. [She putts a hole-in-one.] I'm good.
Joey: See how she kept her head down?
Jesse: Shut up.
[Lunchtime at Van Atta Junior High School, day 1...]
Colleen: Over here! I saved you a seat.
D.J.: Thanks. My name's--
Colleen: Not you, scrub. This seat's taken. Oh, here comes Mrs. Agbabian. Good way to lose your lunch.
Mrs. Agbabian: Young lady, keep the aisle clear. [She blows her whistle to calm the laughing kids.] That will be enough of that. Now, find a seat. That's a very snappy outfit.
[D.J. tries to do just that, but no one wants to sit with her as everyone continues to laugh at her misfortune. She steps into a phone booth and pops in her change.]
D.J.: [into the receiver] Hi, how's it going?
Telephone: [repeatedly] At the tone. Pacific Daylight Time will be 12:14 exactly. At the tone. Pacific Daylight Time....
[After the break: In the kitchen...]
Danny: My beautiful lawn hacked into pieces. Another senseless act of backyard violence.
Michelle: Gopher.
Danny: A gopher did this?
Jesse: Hello.
Joey: Hi.
Michelle: Two gophers.
Danny: Oh, you mean two golfers.
Joey: No, one golfer[pointing to himself], one gopher [pointing to Jesse].
Danny: You were hitting golf balls in my back yard?
Jesse: I swear, I didn't hit one ball.
[The girls come home from school.]
Joey: Hi, Deej.
D.J.: Hi, guys.
Danny: Hey, how was your first day of school?
D.J.: Oh, it was your typical first day. I got my classes, I went to them, and now I'm home. Dad, would you mind tomorrow if I dressed a little more 'junior high'-ish?
Danny: Oh, no. Hey, I understand. You wanna be hip like your rad dad.
D.J.: Yeah, that's it. Thanks, Dad, you're the best.
Stephanie: Second grade is so cool!
Joey: Hey, great. What happened?
Stephanie: Everything! You happen to be looking at the Room Seven official Fish Feeder. And, Uncle Jesse...
Jesse: What?
Stephanie: Now that D.J.'s finally gone when people say, "Hey, Tanner," I know they're talking to me.
Jesse: All right, kid.
Joey: Way to go.
Stephanie: And, Daddy, you'll love this. One of the shrimpy little first-graders asked me: "Where's the cafeteria?" I said, "Can't you read that big sign that says 'cafeteria'?" And the kid says, "No, I can't read." They can't even read. What a great day.
[The next morning in D.J. & Stephanie's bedroom, D.J. and Kimmy try on makeup.]
D.J.: Well, it's almost time for school. Do you think we look old enough?
Kimmy: How old do we wanna look?
D.J.: Old enough to keep me out of that phone booth during lunch.
Kimmy: At least you got to eat. I had to give my lunch to a girl with a tattoo. We could use a little more mascara.
D.J.: Yeah.
Kimmy: Assume the position.
Stephanie: All right, a makeup party. I wanna look just like Superstar Barbie.
D.J.: Chill, child. You are way too young.
Michelle: I want makeup.
D.J.: Here, Michelle, you can put on a little lipstick.
Stephanie: And I'm too young? How rude.
Danny: Let's go, girls. It's getting late.
D.J.: We're coming, Dad. Well, how do we look?
Stephanie: Cheap.
D.J.: Dad, we have to get to school.
Danny: [blocks her exit] You have to get past me first.
D.J.: You said I could look a little more 'junior high'-ish.
Danny: Where is this junior high? Caesar's Palace? [to Stephanie] You may go to school.
Stephanie: I guess we're not as old as we thought we were, are we now?
Kimmy: I'll see you at school, Deej. So long, boys.
D.J.: Dad, before you say anything, you were not at school yesterday and you did not see the other girls.
Danny: D.J., I don't care about the other girls. My daughter is not going to school dressed like Jessica Rabbit.
D.J.: Uncle Jesse, Joey, you're from this century. Tell him he's wrong. [But they say nothing.] Fine. I’ll go tie some bows in my hair, put on my Garanimals and go skipping off to school. I’ll be Daddy’s little girl forever. [She heads over to the staircase.]
Danny: Not forever. Just until you’re my age.
D.J.: Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Everyone looked so much older than me. I was dressed exactly like the teacher that everybody hates. I ate lunch in the phone booth listening to the time lady for 25 minutes and 30 seconds – beep.
Danny: I wish you would’ve told me this yesterday.
D.J.: I was too embarrassed. I don’t know what happened. In the 6th grade, I was cool. Now I’m a joke.
Danny: Oh, I know it feels that way. But that’s because you were a big fish in a small pond. Now you’re in a big pond, so you feel like a small fish. But you don’t have to look like the big fish, especially if the big fish are bad fish and smelly fish. And, well, now I’m lost, and I’m rambling, and I just want to hug you and take you to Sea World.
D.J.: I just want people to like me.
Danny: They will, just as soon as they get to know you. [turns to the mirror with D.J.] But, look, D.J., this girl isn’t you.
D.J.: Then who am I?
Danny: Well, I guess to me, you’re still my little girl. Honey, I don’t want to stop you from growing up. But, you just can’t go from 12 to 25 overnight.
D.J.: Kathy Santoni did.
Becky: Oh, D.J., don’t ever let your father do your make-up.
D.J.: [puts down the tissue Danny was using to wipe the make-up off her face] I did it. It looked better before.
Becky: You know, when I first started wearing make-up, I made the same mistakes.
Danny: Really? How old were you? 18? 19?
Becky: No, actually, I was right around D.J.’s age.
Danny: Glad I asked.
D.J.: Really? You wore make-up when you were my age?
Becky: Uh-huh. Only my mom taught me that the secret to wearing makeup is to make it look like you’re not wearing any.
D.J.: Well, how do you do that?
Danny: Yeah, how do you do that?
Becky: Well, by bringing out D.J.’s natural beauty. For instance, you’ll want a very subtle pink eye shadow. Can I show her?
D.J.: Can she?
Danny: [smiles] Go for it.
D.J.: [smiles back] Thanks, Dad. And don’t worry. No matter how old I get, you can always think of me as your little girl. Give me a hug, Dad.
Danny: Oh, I love those words. [hugs D.J.] And I love you.
Michelle: I look pretty.
Danny: Yes, little Zsa Zsa, you look very pretty. But the secret to makeup is to make it look like you're not wearing any.
Michelle: Daddy pretty.
[Lunchtime at Van Atta Junior High, day 2...]
D.J.: Hi. You're in my English class, right?
Susan: Yeah. I'm Susan Erickson, and this is Karen Sykes.
Karen: Hi.
Susan: Do you guys wanna sit with us?
D.J.: Sure, thanks. I'm D.J. Tanner, and this is my best friend, Kimmy Gibbler.
Susan & Karen: Hi.
Colleen: You're sitting at our table.
D.J.: Well, now it's a scrub table, but you're welcome to join us.
Colleen: I'd rather eat in a phone booth.
Susan: All right.
Karen: Good job.
Susan: Way to go, D.J.
D.J.: Someone should tell her she's wearing a bit too much makeup.
Trivia
- The first episode to feature the abbreviated (but not truncated) theme song
- The first appearance of D.J.'s friend, Kathy Santoni (and only appearances of Colleen, Mrs. Agbabian, Karen Sykes, and Susan Ericson)
- The first of four episodes to deal with peer pressure; however, this focuses on the topic in general, and not just one particular thing (i.e. smoking, drinking, ear piercing, etc.)
- The dress Stephanie wears to school in this episode is the same one from the opening credits, where she comes out the door holding her lunchbox in her right hand and giving a "thumbs up" with her left
- Stephanie's "different worlds" remark would be repeated in "Take My Sister, Please" (season 5) by D.J., regarding the "room switch"; specifically, her being in high school by that time ("Land of Maturity") meant she deserved her own room, while Stephanie and Michelle being in elementary school/grade school ("Tiny Town") deserve to share a room
- While Joey remarks Michelle doesn't start nursery school until next year, she starts preschool later in the season
- This episode is part of the basis for the Full House book Same to You, Duck Face
- Goof: While Stephanie remarked that she'd be in junior high when D.J. got to high school (see Quotes), that wouldn't happen; as she would still be in elementary school at the time (season 5)