|Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor|
|Season 4, episode 2|
|Air date||September 28, 1990|
|Writer(s)||Scott Spencer Gordon|
|Next||The I.Q. Man|
Even though three-year-old Michelle has been more mischievous than usual the last few days, she can always count upon her status as "Daddy's Little Princess" to get away with her various misdeeds, and thus, pass the buck to D.J. and Stephanie.
For example, as D.J., Stephanie and Kimmy each bet using food to determine what will happen on the music video awards show, Michelle encourages the girls to have a pillow fight with her, and a window in her sisters' room ends up getting broken (eliciting an "Oh!" from the studio audience). Danny punishes D.J. and Stephanie for it, but he fails to punish Michelle, who started the whole thing (see Quotes). Jesse says that she has been treated like a "princess" long enough and advises that the guys (Joey included) put their feet down where necessary (see Trivia).
Meanwhile, Jesse does a little shopping for an engagement ring from a delivery business instead of a store, giving Becky a chance to try the ring on in front of him, just so it's to her liking.
From lectures about how important sleep is, to a bedtime story and song, nothing can get Michelle to go to sleep. Danny is finding it hard to accept that Michelle is old enough to be punished because he also finds it hard to accept that his last baby is growing up. D.J. and Stephanie are outside raking leaves as part of their punishment, and when they see her stomping around in the piles that they just raked up, they make her rake what she messed up. But Danny thinks they are making her do their punishment. And then, she drags her kiddie pool inside the house (see Quotes).
Elsewhere, Jesse buys an expensive engagement ring for Becky, who tries to stop him from selling his Elvis Presley-signed guitar in order to pay for the ring. She isn't happy with his decision to sell the guitar because it was a present from her. He then realizes just how bad it would be to part ways with her gift.
Coming in from their raking chore, D.J. and Stephanie see Michelle in the kitchen playing in her pool. Both girls realize that it is time to end her time of being spoiled that she has come to expect for far too long now, and to prove that it is not their fault. They call for their dad to come into the kitchen ASAP. When he comes in, he inevitably steps into the pool and gets his shoe wet. He blames the older girls again (which elicits an "Oh!" from the audience), but they say it is not their fault because she does not listen to them and does what she wants.
After realizing they are right, Danny dismisses the older girls (and the inspirational music plays). He dries off Michelle from her pool, and after a serious talk with her (shown in the infobox photo), he (just as the music stops) takes her upstairs for her punishment while she's wrapped up in her towel and his shoe (and foot) is wet (see Quotes).
And said punishment is a time-out in her room, facing the wall (for an unknown amount of time), as she thinks about the things she did to deserve it. When Danny comes in, they have a talk about it – with it ending in a hug (see Quotes) (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[In the opening teaser: Jesse shows Stephanie the renovations he had done to what was her room.]
Jesse: You see that? I did the whole room in retro-hip. You got your Rat Pack over here [near his jukebox], your Elvis motif there [near the doorway], and a brand new hair accouterments center here [under the motif]. I hope you're not too disappointed, but I had to take down your pink bunny wallpaper.
Stephanie: It's about time.
Jesse: Steph, I've been living with those stupid pink bunnies for three years. Why didn't you say something sooner?
Stephanie: You didn't ask [a variation of her "Nobody asked me" from the early years].
Jesse: "You didn't ask" [raising his hands].
Michelle: [enters and looks around] Hey, where are the bunnies?
Jesse: The bunnies went bye-bye.
Michelle: But I loved the bunnies [giving him a sad face].
Jesse: Well, it's a good thing I happened to save one very special, important bunny for you, and I framed him [picks up the frame], and here he is [hangs it up on the wall next to his bed].
Michelle: Now this room is cool! [She gives two thumbs up.]
Jesse: Cool! [mimicking her thumbs up, then hugging her] Cool, baby!
[The girls enter D.J. and Stephanie's room with junk food a-plenty.]
Kimmy: You know, girls, every year we watch the Music Video Awards and stuff our faces with junk food. This year, let's make it interesting.
Stephanie: Every year you make something interesting, we get in trouble.
Kimmy: I'll bet you... five marshmallows at least one guy from Guns N' Roses falls off the stage.
D.J.: Four cookies say that they don't even find the stage.
Michelle: [enters the room with a pillow in her hands] Let's play pillow fight! [moderately whacks Stephanie on the side of her head with the pillow].
D.J.: Good one, Michelle!
Stephanie: Yeah, that was real funny, Deej [as she takes Michelle's pillow and whacks D.J. pretty hard on the back of her head, causing their popcorn bowl to spill onto the table].
Michelle: Pillow fight! [Kimmy uses Stephanie's pillow, D.J. uses her pillow, and the girls keep on whacking each other. But when D.J. tries to hit Kimmy over the head, the pillow slips from her grip and ends up hitting the coat rack, which tips over, breaking a window pane. Michelle wags her left finger at them...] You're in big trouble, misters!
Danny: Michelle, did you start a pillow fight?
Michelle: Yes, I did.
Danny: Michelle, that was wrong. [to Stephanie and D.J.] You girls are in big trouble.
D.J.: Why are we in trouble?
Danny: Because she's just a little girl. You're supposed to set an example.
D.J.: We did. We set an example of how destructive pillow fights can be.
Danny: Nice try. Now, according to the 'Official Dads Handbook', the punishment for furniture through a window is raking the yard to pay for it and no Music Video Awards.
[Danny has just finished reading Fox in Socks as a bedtime story.]
Michelle: Read it again, please.
Danny: Daddy said, it's time for bed. [Michelle shakes her head.] Don't shake your head. Your story's read. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.
Jesse: [enters the room] You gotta lay off the Seuss, man.
[After the guys sing "(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear"...]
Michelle: One more time!
Joey: [eyes closed] 'Baby, let me be...'
Danny: [puts hand on his shoulder] Joey! [He stops singing.] It's over.
Joey: [To Danny about Jesse] He's gonna sell his Elvis guitar to pay for Becky's ring.
Danny: He is? [They both go into Jesse's room.] Jess, how can you sell your Elvis guitar? It's your baby.
Jesse: It's really not that special. [He uses his car key remote to unlock the 'trunk' (complete with 'chirp'), and then opens it up.] It's a personally autographed, one-of-a-kind national treasure that 'the King' used to serenade a bunch of hillbillies in the back of a chicken truck from Kissin' Cousins.
[Then, the 'Little Princess/Munchkin' enters.]
Michelle: I'm baaaack.
Danny: Well then, you'd better get baaaack in bed.
Michelle: [crossing her arms] No way, José!
Danny: Guys, I think something's bothering Michelle. She's never called me 'José' before. Something bothering you, Princess?
Michelle: [happily] I wanna play!
Jesse: Deeply troubled child. Excuse us one second, your Majesty. Why don't you go wait in your little room and we'll see you in a little bit. Thank you. [He sends her out and closes the door, as something crosses his mind.] You wanna know what Michelle's problem is? We treat her like she's the queen of 3-year-olds.
Joey: Well, she is. She's adorable. And don't tell me you don't melt when she gives you those two thumbs up and says [imitating Michelle], 'You got it dude!' [well, just one thumb].
Jesse: I'm telling you guys, she's testing us. I was reading "Modern Mom" magazine the other day, and...
Joey: You read "Modern Mom magazine"? [He starts cracking up and laughing on Danny's shoulder.]
Jesse: Well, I was in the beauty parlor with Becky and I needed something to read, and this other lady got the new Cosmo, so... what do you care? My point is, it says that kids Michelle's age are gonna test your limits. So that's when you gotta get tough, set the rules, and stick to 'em.
Danny: You know what? You're right. We gotta lay down the law and show her who's boss.
[The older girls attempt to watch Kimmy's TV through their windows, using binoculars.]
D.J.: [on the phone] Good, the video awards are starting. Now, Kimmy, move the TV a little over to the left. Keep going... there. That's perfect.
Michelle: [enters the room] Who wants to play?
Stephanie: We can't play. We're grounded, thank you very much.
Michelle: You're welcome very much.
Danny: Michelle... [enters] Oh, there you are. D.J., what are you looking at?
D.J.: Oh, just the stars.
Danny: Really? [looks through the binoculars] Oh, I see stars, all right. M.C. Hammer, Billy Idol... Oh, hi, Mr. Gibbler! I think he's yelling something at me.
D.J.: He said, get a new hobby or he's calling the police.
Danny: That's it. I want both you girls in bed right now.
D.J.: What?! Michelle's not even in bed yet.
Danny: Don't you worry about Michelle. Just get a good night's sleep. You got a full day of raking leaves ahead of you. [He takes Michelle with him.] All right, come on, little princess.
D.J.: What is happening here? All of a sudden, Michelle is Cinderella and we're the ugly step-sisters?
Stephanie: Who are you calling 'ugly'?!
[It's time for Michelle to go to sleep.]
Jesse: Alright, Danny, show her who's boss.
Danny: Okay [gets down on his knee and strokes her hand] Sweetheart, it's time to go to sleep.
Jesse: [sarcastically] Ah, she's shaking now. Observe. [gets down on the other side of the bed] Alright, listen, kid. Go to sleep. Count some sheep. Bada bing. We'll see you in the morning.
All the guys: [giving the goodnight kiss] Mwah! Good night, Michelle. [They turn out the light, leave, close the door, and stand outside to listen.]
Jesse: [not hearing anything] Okay, you see that? Once you put your foot down, the rest is a piece of cake.
Michelle: [knocks] Can I come out, please?
Jesse: No! Go back to bed.
Michelle: Pleeease let me out!
Joey: Oh, Pleeease let her out!
[It works... until the door opens.]
Michelle: Let's party, dudes! [And out she goes.]
Joey: Yeah, I guess we showed her who's boss.
[Michelle peeks out of the kitchen to see if the coast is clear. She pushes her toy shopping cart (with a bucket of fried chicken and a package of Sprinkled Chips Ahoy cookies in it) into the living room, turns on the TV, and begins watching The Arsenio Hall Show. Danny, hearing this, heads downstairs.]
Danny: Michelle, what are you doing?
Michelle: Watching Arsenio. 'Let's get busy!'
Danny: Young lady, I told you [turns off the TV] to get into bed!
Michelle: Want some chicken? [She hands him a drumstick.]
Danny: [takes it] Thanks. ... Michelle, I think it's time to talk to you about the importance of sleep. You see, the amount of sleep a person needs is inversely proportionate to their age. [She pulls a pillow flat on the couch and puts her head down.] For example, a person your age probably needs about 10 hours of sleep, whereas a person my age might be able to get by on about, oh, 6 or 7. Of course, with all rules, there are exceptions: A bear, he could sleep all winter; whereas an owl... He's up all night. [She is now fast asleep.] Michelle? Michelle. [sighs] We'll go over all of this again tomorrow [and takes a bite of chicken].
[As D.J. and Stephanie rake the leaves, Michelle comes outside, sees the pile, and runs and kicks it...]
Stephanie: Cut it out! [But Michelle just ignores them.]
D.J.: That's it! [gives the rake to her] You wreck 'em, you rake 'em.
[As she starts raking and the other girls watch her...]
Danny: [comes out and see what's going on] Girls, I can't believe you're making Michelle do your punishment.
Stephanie: But Dad, she ran...
D.J.: Steph... save your energy. You'll need it to rake.
[Michelle stands in her wading pool.]
Michelle: Daddy, I wanna go swimming.
Danny: No, Michelle. It's too cold outside. No swimming. [turns to the older girls] But it's a beautiful day for raking leaves [hands the rake to D.J. and then exits].
Stephanie: Let's get this over with.
[Michelle drags her pool towards the house...]
D.J.: Michelle, what are you doing?
Michelle: Going swimming.
Stephanie: But Dad said 'No'.
Michelle: Well I said 'Yes'.
D.J.: But it's too cold outside.
Michelle: That's why I'm swimming inside. [Her sisters just look at each other.]
Jesse: Get out, liver boy.
Joey: Alright, 'Liverace'.
Jesse: Becky, I can't take the guitar back. It just doesn't feel right.
Becky: OK, how does this feel? [She squeezes his hand really hard.]
Jesse: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Alright, I take it back, I take it back!
[Michelle is in her pool in the kitchen by the swinging door, playing with her toy boat and her inflatable pool toys. Her sisters come in and decide to bust her.]
Stephanie: [to D.J.] We got her now. [yells] Dad, get in here! [...]
Danny: [opens the door] Girls, what's all the...[steps into the pool]
Michelle: No shoes in the pool!
Danny: Girls... you better have an explanation for this. [...]
D.J.: Dad, it's not our fault! Michelle dragged in her pool, Michelle filled it with water, Michelle blew up her floaties, and Michelle threw herself a pool party!
Stephanie: Dad, the keyword here is 'Michelle'. [...]
Michelle: ...I'm a little princess.
Danny: Uh oh... This is all my fault. [...] Okay, Little Princess... you and I need to talk.
Michelle: Am I in big trouble, mister? (see Trivia)
Danny: Yes, ma'am. Stand up, please [gets the beach towel, puts it around her, picks her up and sets her on the corner of the counter]. Girls, I need to talk to Michelle alone about her very first punishment. [So, they go upstairs.] [...] Things are about to change. The truth is: Michelle, you're very, very special to me because you're my last little baby. And, I guess, in a way, I wanted you to stay that way. But I gotta face it: [sighs and sternly says] you're a big girl now. And when you do something wrong, you're old enough to be punished.
Michelle: Is it over now?
Danny: No, listening to me talk is not punishment. Although it does help you to go to sleep. Honey, I just want you to know I'm only doing this because I love you.
Michelle: I love you, Daddy.
Danny: [as he carries her upstairs, with each step of his left foot...] My shoe is wet. My shoe is wet. My shoe is wet. My shoe is wet [and each time he says it, she gives him a kiss on the cheek]. I can feel it.
Michelle: [sitting in her little rocking chair, facing the wall, singing:] This is no fun, no fun, looking at the wall...
Danny: [enters her room] Michelle?
Michelle: Yes, Daddy?
Danny: [sits on her bed and turns her chair so she's facing him] Are you ready to be a good girl now?
Michelle: I'll be a very good girl.
Danny: Good. And did you learn a lesson from all this?
Michelle: Yes, I did: No swimming in the kitchen.
Danny: Yes, 'no swimming in the kitchen'. That's a very important lesson. But there's a bigger lesson here. Daddy, Uncle Jesse, and Joey, we know what's best for you. So, honey, when we ask you to do something, you should do it. Deal?
Michelle: You're the boss [they shake hands].
Danny: Okay, punishment is over. [...] [picks her up and lays her on the bed] It's time for bed. To bed, I said.
Michelle: Daddy, am I still your 'little princess'?
Danny: Oh, you got it, dude [with the thumb sign, and they hug].
- The episode title is likely a take on the Woody Allen film Crimes and Misdemeanors, which is named after the phrase "high crimes and misdemeanors", found in the U.S. Constitution
- D.J.'s reference to Michelle being "Cinderella" and herself and Stephanie being the "ugly stepsisters" (see quote) is a reference to Michelle always getting special treatment (similar to Cinderella getting to dance with the prince at the ball instead of her step-sisters)
- The only known episode to have a catchphrase in its original form ("You're in big trouble, mister!") and a variation ("Am I in big trouble, mister?") in the same episode; but the first to feature the variation (second was "A Fish Called Martin")
- When Michelle says "No way, José!" to Danny, he says "She's never called me 'José' before", but did say the same thing in "Bye, Bye Birdie" (3.16)
- Joey's "Liverace" remark is a take on Liberace
- The last time the guys were advised to put their feet down was in the aptly-titled "Joey Gets Tough" (2.7)
- The plot would be replicated in "Tough Love" (7.4)