|Season 8, episode 12|
|Air date||January 3, 1995|
|Previous||Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen|
Later, Viper shows up, saying that breaking up with her was a mistake, and he now wants D.J. back. Nelson jumps in on the situation, and both compete for D.J., who breaks up their fight and decides she needs more time on this issue.
Meanwhile, Danny, Becky, Michelle, Nicky, and Alex find a vandalized community playground. After realizing the city has 65 other playgrounds in the same condition, the rest of the Tanner household take matters into their own hands and pitch in to help clean it up, resulting in some sticky situations, such as Joey misusing Jesse's "family" hammer, and Danny having difficulty with the teeter-totter (see Quotes).
When both of D.J.'s 'boyfriends' show up at the park and ask for her final answer to the "$1 million question" (see Trivia), she has one: she does not want to be with either one of them, even after a song (see Guest star) and another fight. But, yet another fight breaks out between both 'boyfriends' before they are led out (see Quotes). Consoling her oldest niece, Becky commends D.J. on her decision to not be with either of them, telling her to listen to her heart, never settle, and wait for the right boy to come along (a lesson she taught her then-friend in "13 Candles").
The episode concludes with action on the now-clean playground, including the twins learning to 'pump', and everyone else watching and encouraging them (as the camera zooms out to a wide shot, the audience applauds, and the EP credits appear).
Instead of stills, the family is shown coming home from a successful playground clean up—everyone but Joey (see Quotes).
[The opening teaser:]
Michelle: Safety at the playground today, boys. I'm going to teach you how to swing without anybody pushing you.
Nicky: Can't be done!
Michelle: All you have to do is learn how to pump your legs. Watch me, and do what I do. Come on, boys [leads them to the coffee table and they all sit down. She rubs her nose, so they rub theirs] Not everything I do, huh [à la Jesse]? Just the leg pumping. Now swing your legs in...[curls legs under] and out [lifts them straight]. In... and out. In... and out.
Alex: But we're not going anywhere.
Nicky: Told you: it can't be done.
Alex: [points at her] She's cuckoo.
[Michelle just shakes her head.]
[Becky, Danny, Michelle, and the twins visit the local playground.]
Michelle: Let's hit the swings! [Then, she sees that the playground "took a hit". A big one, as shown in a wide shot of the damage.] My playground!
Becky: [in disbelief] What a mess.
Alex: Michelle, who did that?
Michelle: I'll tell you who did that... Dad, who did that?
Danny: I don't know, Michelle. Unfortunately, there are people out there who take out their anger on other people's property.
Nicky: Shame on them!
Alex: Double shame!
Becky: You said it, guys.
Michelle: I wanna go home, Dad.
Danny: OK, honey. Let's go. [And they all go home, with a zoom-out to the entire damaged playground.]
[Back home, the rest of the family is in the kitchen as Danny is finishing up a phone call to City Hall.]
Danny: Alright, thanks a lot. [He hangs up.]
Joey: So Danny, what's the word from City Hall?
Danny: Well, the word is there's 65 vandalized playgrounds that have to be fixed up ahead of us. They're still cleaning off park walls that say 'Disco sucks'.
Michelle: No playground?! Nicky and Alex will never learn to pump.
Jesse: Oh, yes they will [learn]. If the city's not gonna get involved, then I say we take some action ourselves. Every kid in America has the God-given right to pump.
Danny: You know what? He's right. We're gonna get the whole neighborhood to help rebuild that playground. The slides will be 'slidier', the monkey bars will be 'monkey-er'.
Danny: You get the idea. This is gonna be the best playground any kid's ever played in.
Joey: Yeah, with big, wide, sturdy swings with plenty of room, so the chains don't squeeze your car keys into your thighs. [Danny, Michelle, and Jesse all look at him in disbelief.] Well, 'cause kids hate that.
[Joey is hammering and Jesse stops him.]
Joey: This hammer's a lot heavier than I thought.
[Jesse bites on Joey's hand, causing him to surrender control of the hammer.]
Jesse: This happens to be a Katsopolis family hammer, okay? My great-grandfather used it to build his house in Greece. He then passed it down to my grandfather, who then passed it down to my father, who told me never to let you touch it. I love this hammer.
Joey: Okay, alright, fine. I'll just go crank up the power saw. Unless you have some bizarre family attachment to that piece of hardware too.
[Danny arrives from picking up more supplies.]
Danny: OK Jess, I've picked up the supplies. I also put together this spiffy construction outfit. How do I look?
Jesse: Like one of the Village People.
[Joey uses the power saw but doesn't know that Jesse had put his hammer on the slab of wood and then saws without looking.]
Joey: Oh, no.
Jesse: [pauses from what he's doing] Did I just hear an 'Oh no' from a man with a power saw?
Joey: Oh, uh... no.
Jesse: What happened?
Joey: Well, uh [thinks up a joke], I just took off a little piece of my finger. Ow! [showing his hand, but bending one finger].
Jesse: As long as nothing happened to my hammer [picks up the head, but notices that most of the handle's missing].
Joey: Jess, don't panic. It-it was an accident, alright? Uh, you can still use it. You can use it for, uh, uh, small things, like uh, like thumbtacks! [He demonstrates.]
Jesse: [as he snatches the hammerhead out of Joey's hand] Thumbtacks! You know what? [looks around and sees the other people] I'm not gonna kill you. I'm not gonna kill you right here. You know why?
Joey: 'Cause you forgive me.
Jesse: No. Too many witnesses. [Joey backs away and Jesse chases him.]
[Danny gets ready to test the teeter-totter, with Stephanie on one side, and Kimmy on the other.]
Danny: Alright, let's try 'er out.
[Kimmy goes down while Stephanie goes up, but it gets stuck in that position.]
Stephanie: Uh, Dad, great teeter, but I'm not seeing much totter.
Danny: Okay. [He pushes down on Stephanie's side of the seesaw, but it doesn't budge, even when he leans his full weight on it.] Kimmy, did you gain weight?
Kimmy: Yeah, [sarcastically] I'm up to 260 now.
Danny: Must've over-tightened it.
Becky: Let's all push together.
Danny: Alright, on three. ... Three!
[Becky, and D.J. help him push down hard, sending a screaming Kimmy flying through the air. Everyone watches with shocked looks on their faces, as she lands in a tree.]
Becky: Excellent dismount! She really nailed that landing.
[The 'boyfriends' have a fight with each other over who really 'blew it'.]
Viper: I blew it.
Nelson: No, I blew it worse.
Viper: No, no, no. I blew it worse.
Nelson: Definitely me.
Viper: No, no, no! Don't tell me you blew it worse!...
Frankie: [intervenes] Guys, guys! You both blew it worse. [to Nelson] I still get paid, don't I? [Nelson nods and escorts him out of the park, pulling out his wallet.]
[The closing-credits scene, as everyone comes through the front door:]
Michelle: What a great day!
Danny: It really was. It was great. We got to rebuild the playground. I got to use my tools. Look at this, everybody: Frankie Valli even autographed my hard hat.
Becky: Wait a minute... where's Joey?
Jesse: Joey? Oh, Joey. Well, we had a little spat over hammers, and I had this little staple gun, and... I'll be right back. [He goes out to get Joey.]
[Cut to a zoom-up of Joey's hand and slowly zoom out to reveal him stapled (his clothes) to the playground fence.]
Joey: Jess?!... OK, Jess, game's over! [A dog comes right by and stops under Joey's feet.] Good dog. Good doggy. [The dog sniffs him.] Good dog--Oh, don't even think about it! [He motions his head.] There's a fire hydrant over there. [But the dog just licks the back of his shoe.] Oh, oh, oh. Is that wet? Oh! [He drops his head in defeat, almost hitting the fence.] Jess!
- The episode title is a take on the 1982 film Sophie's Choice, starring Meryl Streep, who won an Academy Award for her performance
- The last appearance of Viper
- The second of three episodes to feature a closing-credits tag
- Goof: The Tanner's address is stated several times as being 1882 Gerard St., but as Nelson and D.J. arrive at the front door, the house number is (mistakenly) shown as "1892"
- The "$1 million question" meme usually refers to a difficult dilemma, similar to such on the hit ABC (later syndicated) game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?; in this case, D.J.'s dilemma is similar to such