| Divorce Court | |
| Season 3, episode 8 | |
 | |
| Air date | November 17, 1989 |
| Writer(s) | Marc Warren & Dennis Rinsler |
| Director | Jeff Franklin |
| Previous | And They Call It Puppy Love |
| Next | Dr. Dare Rides Again |
Divorce Court is episode eight in season three of Full House. It originally aired on November 17, 1989.
Upstairs in his room, Jesse teaches Michelle how to snap her fingers to music. Apparently, she can do it herself as she shows him such, and all he can muster out of that is "Show-off".
Synopsis
Sharing a bedroom with Stephanie is driving D.J. crazy, and when they invite their friends over, they end up arguing about when who is allowed in the room, and when who is not.
When Stephanie's friends (Jimmy and Walter) come over to the room and she is caught playing with D.J.'s Pillow Person upon the entrance of her friends (Monica and Kimmy), D.J. has to remind Stephanie about "rule #1" (from the series premiere; see Quotes). And although she didn't directly mention it, Stephanie also broke "rule #2" by setting foot on D.J.'s side (and jumping on D.J.'s bed).
The argument leads to who the better sister is (see Quotes), and subsequently leads to Danny evicting their friends, and then banishing them to their room. When he visits them later, they say they've reconciled. But when he leaves, that reconciliation's short-lived. This causes Stephanie to want a divorce from her sister and move in with Michelle, and D.J. is fine with that (see Quotes).
Stephanie moves her bed, lamp, toy chest, and Mr. Bear into Michelle's room. And despite the fact it is Michelle's room, Stephanie is older than Michelle, thus making her "the boss". Jesse comes in and notices this, and is shocked by this turn of events. He then sees D.J. rollerblading in her own room (see Quotes), and is just as shocked at that (if not more).
In an effort to solve the problem, the guys set up a courtroom kind of setting in the living room, with the bench as (appropriately) "the bench", the chair as a "witness stand", Danny as the "judge" (and using a squeaky toy hammer as a "gavel"), Jesse and Joey as the two "attorneys", Stephanie as the "plaintiff" (represented by Jesse), and D.J. as the "defendant" (represented by Joey). But it seems everyone has a problem (see Quotes for the "testimony").
While D.J. again asks for her own room (for real), Danny ultimately decides that Michelle is still too young and not (developmentally or maturely) ready for a roommate, and the older girls must respect everything regarding each other, and that things are not going to be the same as they once were and they've got to find some way to get along with each other for the time being, and Jesse and Joey concur. With the case now a moot point and officially "dismissed", everyone helps move Stephanie's stuff back into D.J.'s room.
The guys have a bet with each other as to who among them is the most athletic, and to settle the bet, they have challenged each other to a foot race on a nearby track. To make the race more interesting, up the ante, and raise the stakes, the winner has to pick the costumes that the losers will wear to the Halloween party at Stephanie's school.
It becomes even more serious when Becky shows up with the Wake Up, San Francisco crew to tape the race, meaning that the whole city is anxiously awaiting the outcome. Danny wins – literally by a nose, meaning he gets to choose (see Quotes).
Before the roommates depart for Stephanie's party, they have a heart-to-heart with each other (complete with inspirational music), D.J. promising to attend her own party at Kathy Santoni's house later (see Quotes). After they hug (and the music stops), the others arrive with their costumes (see Trivia), and Jesse and Joey remind Danny that they are his dates as they serenade him with a song (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear, see Trivia).
Quotes
[Stephanie, Walter, and Jimmy are playing upstairs and jumping on D.J.'s bed when D.J., Kimmy, and Monica enter.]
D.J.: Freeze, dweebs! [And her presence causes Stephanie to immediately jump off the bed.] Stephanie, what's rule #1 in this room?
Stephanie: Never touch your stuff. [She notices she's doing exactly that, by holding her sister's Pillow Person.] Heh-heh-heh.
Monica: Little sisters. What a pain.
Kimmy: Yeah, I'm glad my mom stopped having kids after me.
Stephanie: Gee, I wonder why.
D.J.: Okay, time for all puppet people to leave the room. Let's go. We have very important things to discuss.
[She escorts them out, but no sooner are they out than they are back in!]
Stephanie: So do we. We have to discuss our costumes for the Halloween carnival. I'm gonna be Batman, or Wonder Woman, or...Connie Chung.
Monica: You're not going to that kiddie carnival at our old elementary school, are you?
Kimmy: Monica, D.J.'s coming with us to Kathy Santoni's Halloween party.
Stephanie: But, D.J., you promised me you would go with me to the Halloween carnival. We go together every year.
D.J.: Yes, and I'll always treasure those memories. I'm in junior high.
Stephanie: Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Walter & Jimmy: All right.
[The roommates come downstairs, hoping their Dad will resolve their problem.]
D.J.: Dad!
Stephanie: Dad!
D.J.: Your friends have to leave.
Stephanie: No! Yours.
D.J.: Tell Stephanie her friends have to get out of my room.
Stephanie: Tell D.J. her friends have to get out of my room.
D.J.: I'm older.
Stephanie: I'm younger.
D.J.: I'm taller.
Stephanie: I'm shorter.
D.J.: I'm smarter.
Stephanie: I'm... [stepping a few steps back] not falling for that.
Danny: That's enough! Look, I want all of your friends to leave, and I want you both in your room right now. No music, no phone, no television. You're not coming out until you get along. You understand?
D.J. & Stephanie: Yes, Dad.
[In the kitchen...]
Joey: Yes. You snails don't stand a chance tomorrow.
Jesse: You took one jog around the block?
Joey: Actually, I haven't run yet. I'm just really excited I found my stopwatch.
Danny: All I need to win is a Tanner health shake and you wimps as my competition.
Jesse: Pretty tough talk coming from the cover boy to Geek Illustrated.
Joey: [laughing] 'Geek Illustrated'.
Danny: I say we put a bet on this race.
Jesse: Bet? You got it, pal. You name it, and I'll claim it.
Joey: [sounding and acting like Hans and Franz] (see Trivia) Okay, you puny girlie men...hear me now, think about it later. Tomorrow is the school Halloween carnival. I say that the losers have to wear whatever costumes that the winner picks.
[Upstairs, the still-angry roommates are eating dinner; D.J. at the little table, and Stephanie has a tray as she sits on the toy chest near her bed.]
Stephanie: So, Mr. Bear, when do you think D.J. will come to her senses and apologize?
D.J.: When that bear answers you out loud.
Stephanie: On behalf of Mr. Bear, how rude. [D.J. looks at her angrily, as she starts gulping her milk, causing D.J. to look up at her again.]
D.J.: Must you "glug" your milk?
Stephanie: Does it bother you?
D.J.: Yes.
Stephanie: Then I must ["glugs" again].
D.J.: [angrily setting her fork down] Look, I cannot take this anymore. Let's just pretend to make up, and then Dad'll be happy.
Stephanie: [happily getting up] Great idea.
D.J.: Let me do the talking. I'm smarter than you.
Stephanie: If you were so smart, you would've thought of this three hours ago.
Danny: [knocking on their door] Can I come in, girls?
D.J.: [loudly] Just a minute! [softly, to Stephanie, as she gets her tray over to the table] Get over here and start laughing. [And start laughing they do.] Sure. Come in, Dad.
D.J.: You want a divorce? You got it.
Stephanie: Fine. Then I'll go tell Michelle I'm moving in with her.
D.J.: And I'll go call Kimmy and tell her I have my own room.
Stephanie: Not so fast. [She disconnects her sister's red phone...] Half of everything in this room is mine [...and takes the base with her].
[After the break, in Michelle's room...]
Stephanie: [as she paces around the room] In my old room, D.J. was the big sister. But in this room, I'm the big sister. So there are only two words you need to know: [salutes] 'Okay, boss.'
Michelle: [salutes] Okay, boss.
Stephanie: Oh, this is gonna be so sweet.
Jesse: [walking in] Just came in to say good... golly, Miss Molly (see Trivia)! [to Stephanie] What's your bed doing in here?
Stephanie: I decided it was time for D.J. to have her own room.
Jesse: Well, I don't know how much she paid you, but give that money back right now.
Stephanie: It was my idea.
Jesse: It's fine with me, but I'm gonna have a little chat with your dad when he gets home. [to each of them] Good night. Good night.
Stephanie: Good night, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Now, you girls get some sleep.
Michelle: [salutes] Okay, boss.
Jesse: I'm the boss?
Michelle: She's the boss.
Stephanie: Where do these kids get this stuff?
[Meanwhile, D.J. is rollerblading in what is currently just her room and hers alone, and is wearing protective gear, sans a helmet and arm pads. The bulk of Stephanie's stuff is gone, save for the shelves.]
D.J.: Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: I see you're not missing Stephanie too badly.
D.J.: Stephanie who?
[In Michelle's room, she hits Stephanie with her stuffed animal, causing Stephanie to turn on her lamp.]
Stephanie: Michelle, did you just hit me on the head?
Michelle: Who, me?
Stephanie: Go back to sleep.
Michelle: I'm the boss. [She gets up and jumps on her bed.] I'm the boss, I'm the boss, I'm the boss.
Stephanie: I'm in trouble. [She covers herself with the window curtains.]
Michelle: I'm the boss, I'm the boss.
[On the day of the "big race", the guys are on the track.]
Joey: [in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger (or Hans or Franz), as he stretches] Out goes the bad air; in comes the good. Out goes the bad air; in comes the good. [...]
Danny: [after Becky makes a surprise appearance with the TV film crew...] Look, guys, you gotta let me win. I can't lose on my own show.
Joey: I can't let you win. Remember, the winner gets to make the losers wear costumes to Stephanie's Halloween carnival. I already got yours picked out. Big Bird, meet [gesturing to Jesse] Snuffleupagus.
[But well into the race, they're neck and neck.]
Becky: For those of you who think you're watching a slow-motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed.
Danny: Guys, let's all cross the finish line together. That way, everybody saves face.
Joey: Fine with me.
Jesse: To stop this pain in my side, I'm all for it.
Becky: They're neck and neck and neck. Come on, you turtles!
Jesse: That's my girlfriend calling me a turtle. Sorry, Danny.
Joey: I'm not losing this bet. I already rented costumes.
Danny: It's my show. I gotta win.
Becky: Hey, it looks like we've got a race! And here they come. It's gonna be a photo finish. [The guys collapse at the finish line, just as she pulls out the Polaroid camera.] Gentlemen, any comments? I think what they're trying to say is, "We should've run a shorter race." Oh, and here comes the picture. And the winner is [with a shot of the Polaroid picture for proof]... Danny Tanner by a nose! Danny, to what do you attribute that last surge of power?
Danny: Fear of public humiliation. And to my worthy opponents, all I can say now is: "Trick or treat, boys!"
Becky: That's a wrap. And a nap. [The guys do just that.]
Danny ("the honorable judge"): The 'court' appoints Mr. Katsopolis to represent Stephanie and Mr. Gladstone to represent D.J. I expect you to tell the whole truth (and nothing but the truth). [goes to sit on 'the bench' (his chair)] Alright? Court is now in session [bangs his 'gavel' (Michelle's toy hammer)]. [to Joey] Defense, please call your first witness.
Joey: Your Honor, I call Donna Jo Tanner to the stand, please. [She sits in the chair.] Donna Jo, please tell the court why you no longer wish to share your room with your perky little sister.
Jesse: Oooob-jection, Your Honor. Please instruct counsel not to characterize the plaintiff.
Joey: [smiles] How do you know all that junk?
Jesse: [grinning] I love all those lawyer shows.
Danny: D.J., please tell the court what your problem is with Stephanie.
D.J.: It's simple. She's in elementary school, I'm in junior high. We have nothing in common. And I really need my privacy to make phone calls or put on makeup. But every time I turn around, there she is. There must be five or six of her.
Joey: Thank you, Donna Jo. Your witness, counsel.
Jesse: Ms. Tanner, you have just stated on the record that you have nothing in common with my client. But isn't it true that Wednesday last, you were found playing Barbie dolls with young Stephanie?
D.J.: Well, there's nothing else to do. It was raining and...
Jesse: No further questions, Your Honor. I'd like to call Stephanie Judith Tanner to the stand. [The girls switch places, stopping to stick their tongues out at each other as they pass.]
Stephanie: [sits down] I can't live with Michelle. I'll go nuts.
Jesse: Please wait for the question. ... So why can't you live with Michelle?
Stephanie: I'll go nuts!
[Upstairs, Stephanie is dressed up for her school's Halloween carnival.]
Stephanie: So, Mr. Bear, do you think anyone else will be dressed as Batman this year?
[In comes her sister, dressed as the Joker, doing the laugh, and then unmasks.]
D.J.: Boy, I'm gonna get tired of doing this laugh all night.
Stephanie: Well, have fun at your party [taking off her mask and going to sit on her bed].
D.J.: Why are you moping around? You love the carnival.
Stephanie: Yeah, but it's gonna be my first carnival without you.
D.J.: [walking over and sitting next to her] I don't get it. Why do you wanna hang out with me so much?
Stephanie: Well, the truth is, I like to hang out with you because... I wanna be just like you. You're smart and pretty and really cool. Wouldn't you wanna hang out with you?
D.J.: Can't argue with any of that. I guess sometimes I like hanging out with you too.
Stephanie: Really? How come?
D.J.: Well, you're a little nutty, but you always make me laugh and you have definite cool potential. Tell you what, I'll go to that Halloween carnival with you and I'll go to my party later.
Stephanie: Really? Aw, thanks, D.J. [goes to hug her, but...]
D.J.: [gets up] Hold that hug. I don't want a roommate. But, since I have to have one, I guess couldn't think of anyone better.
Stephanie: Wow! Two nice things in a row! Now?
D.J.: Now.
[They hug. Then Danny enters.]
Danny: Aw! Batman hugging the Joker. Now, this is how the movie should have ended.
Trivia
- The episode title is taken from the court show Divorce Court
- The first episode where Stephanie moves out temporarily
- The second of two season-three episodes in which Walter appears
- The third episode to feature D.J. and Stephanie being addressed by their full names; the first was in "Sisterly Love" (season 1) and the second was in "El Problema Grande de D.J." (season 2); only Stephanie is addressed in "Cutting It Close"
- The only appearance of D.J.'s friend Monica, who also attended the same elementary/grade school as D.J. and Kimmy (see Quotes)
- Jimmy also served as the "minister" of Stephanie and Harry Takayama's pretend wedding in "Middle Age Crazy" (also season 2)
- Jesse's "Good Golly, Miss Molly" is a reference to a popular song by Little Richard
- When Stephanie threatens to take D.J. to The People's Court, Danny immediately references Joseph Wapner (1919–2017), the original judge (1981–1993); he is also referenced in "Joey's Place" (season 1)
- When Stephanie calls sleeping in Michelle's room "a nightmare on 'Sesame Street'", it's a reference to A Nightmare on Elm Street
- Jesse and Joey's "Geek Illustrated" is a take on "Sports Illustrated"
- The term "girlie men" was brought up mumerous times during Arnold Schwarzenegger's run for California governor
- The events of this episode most likely led to the events of "Take My Sister, Please" (season 5); although while D.J. again asked for her own room and Stephanie did not want to sleep with Michelle, Danny told them that Michelle was too young for a roommate, so Stephanie took matters into her own hands by temporarily moving out of her and D.J.'s room and (literally) moved her bed into Michelle's room
- D.J. suggesting that she'd like Stephanie better if Stephanie were in a different room was a reference to their "different worlds (D.J.)/different rooms (Stephanie)" remarks in "Back to School Blues"
- When D.J. and Stephanie hug each other, Danny comes in and says, "Ah, Batman hugging the Joker: now this is how the movie should’ve ended" – which apparently was a reference to the 1989 Batman movie
- "On the Good Ship Lollipop", the song Jesse and Joey serenade Danny with, was the signature song of child star Shirley Temple (1928–2014)
- The other costumes:
- D.J. - The Joker
- Stephanie - Batman
- Michelle - black cat