|Happy New Year|
|Season 4, episode 13|
|Air date||December 28, 1990|
|Previous||Danny in Charge|
Outside in the backyard, Michelle looks at what she calls a "hairy worm", and asks D.J. what it is. D.J. says that it's a caterpillar, and soon it will become a butterfly. She explains that the process is similar to what happens in "The Frog Prince", where the princess kisses the frog and he becomes a handsome prince (see Trivia).
Everyone is getting ready to ring in the new year. But Joey is without a date for New Year's Eve. After going through his book of phone numbers of women he had dated, he is still dateless. He then voices his discouragement and heads to his room (to which the studio audience gives an "aw") (see Quotes).
Therefore, Danny and Jesse secretly videotape Joey and, without his permission (and under the guise of him testing out a "new" chair, see Quotes), send the tape to a local video dating service. When the guys get a videotape of potential matches, they play it for him. After Joey quickly rejects the first two women, he says it is just a waste of time – until Christine comes on the screen. He picks up his phone to call her.
Also, when Kimmy Gibbler and D.J. throw a New Year's Eve party at Kimmy's house, with the intention of inviting "just a few close friends," they end up with more than 400 guests. Joey and Christine fall in love at first sight when they notice that they have almost everything in common, and the result is a thrilling candlelight dinner to kick things off.
Meanwhile, before midnight, Rusty keeps teasing (or "torturing") Stephanie that at midnight, he will kiss her, including putting on Chapstick and using breath spray. As he moves closer to her, she moves her party hat over her mouth. Later, when the clock strikes midnight, as everyone watches what appears to be the Times Square Ball drop in New York, she quickly takes a bite out of an onion. Jesse and Becky share a kiss, as do Danny and Cindy, along with Michelle and Comet, Joey and Christine, and finally D.J. and Ricky. Danny quickly separates D.J. and Ricky and orders them to simply shake hands and say goodnight.
Stephanie then tells Rusty that she is ready for her kiss, excited that she will get back at him, but Rusty confesses that he was just messing with her. She then shocks him by blowing onion breath at him, and then grabbing and kissing him! He runs to his mom, screaming in shock.
Out in the backyard, with the festivities over, Joey wants to take Christine to Tahoe and get married (shown in the infobox photo). But after she leaves to pack, the other adults try to talk some sense into him. After a while, he realizes that they need to take the time to really get to know each other first. At that same moment, Christine returns with the same thoughts – which they reveal to each other (as the festive night ends, the audience applauds, and the EP credits appear).
[As Joey finishes up another failed phone call, trying to find a date, Danny, Cindy, Becky, and Jesse arrive from a carnival.]
Joey: Hey, guys. How was the big double date?
Cindy: Oh, it was great. We ended up at Happy Mountain Amusement Park.
Becky: Yeah, it was so romantic. We went to the Tester Strength booth, and with one swing of the hammer, Jesse rang the bell and won me this cute Teddy gorilla. [They kiss.]
Danny: Then Cindy stepped up and won me this for me [a big stuffed white tiger].
Jesse: So Joe, you gonna triple date on New Year's Eve? You find that lucky girl yet?
Joey: Not yet. [holds up his little black book (with phone numbers)] I still got T through Z.
Rebecca: Well, you can’t miss the big party down at the station.
Joey: Why? Is, uh, Danny gonna be Baby New Year again?
Danny: Not after that wicked diaper rash I got last year.
[In D.J. and Stephanie's room, all the girls are letting Comet do a trick for his treat, by putting it on his nose.]
D.J.: Go ahead, Comet. Give it a try. [He tosses it up and catches it in his mouth, and they all applaud.]
Michelle: How did he do that?
D.J.: I don't know. Let's try it. [And that they do, but they're unsuccessful, as he gobbles up the treats when they hit the floor – as Kimmy comes in.]
Kimmy: Oh, good. I'm just in time for 'Stupid Tanner Tricks' [see Trivia].
Stephanie: Kimmy, here's a good New Year's resolution: Move to Costa Rica!
[D.J. plans to attend Kimmy's party, but her sisters have to remind her of something.]
Stephanie: Not so fast, party girl. Did we forget who's spending New Year's Eve babysitting me and Michelle?
D.J.: [now realizing the truth] No.
Michelle: She said 'Yes'.
Stephanie: Who needs a party full of cute boys, when you could ring in the new year [putting her arm around Michelle] with your sweet, adorable sisters? [They smile and wiggle their eyebrows at her.]
D.J.: Dad! [leaving the room]
Stephanie & Michelle: [following her] Dad!
Joey: [to the younger girls] Girls, we are going to have one happy New Year's Eve.
Michelle: Alright! What is New Year's Eve?
Stephanie: New Year's Eve is the funnest party of the year. We get to stay up late and scream, 'Happy New Year!'
Michelle: Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Happy New Year!
Stephanie: [stopping her] Michelle, it's not New Year's Eve yet.
Michelle: I know that, silly; I'm just practicing. [And she follows her sister out of the kitchen and into the living room, repeatedly shouting the episode's title, as Stephanie sighs.]
Jesse: Joey, I hate it that you're not going to this party with us.
Joey: What's the point? The clock will strike midnight. [to Danny] You'll kiss your girlfriend [Cindy], [to Jesse] you'll kiss your fiance [Becky], and I'll go into this pathetic bit [turns his back to the camera and hugs himself, making it look like someone else is hugging and kissing him].
Danny: [eating an apple] I think I dated her once. [Joey is not amused.] Joey, you're just in a little slump. Things will get better.
Joey: Yeah, but when? All I wanna do is marry the girl of my dreams, have a couple kids of my own, and know that I'll always have a date every New Year's Eve [heads down to his room].
Jesse: Daniel, we gotta get that boy a woman. [Danny nods and he takes a bite of his apple.]
[Jesse and Danny put their plan into action for Joey's potential date, even going so far as to hide the video camera in one of Jesse's ad posters. They call him up to the attic, and while they wait for him, Jesse pops a tape into the VCR and gets it rolling.]
Jesse: And... [combs his hair] action!
Danny: [to the camera] Hi, I'm Danny Tanner.
Jesse: And I'm Jesse Katsopolis.
Danny: Ladies, you have seen the rest, and now you're gonna meet the best! Joey Gladstone.
Jesse: That's right. Now, Joey would never agree to join one of these video-dating services, because he wouldn't want to look desperate. [His brother-in-law looks at him.] Not that you ladies would look desperate. I'm sure you girls would join for other reasons... none of them having to do with desperation. Can you help me out here?
Danny: You bet I can. Who is Joey Gladstone? Well, if I was a woman – that's a big if, by the way – I would say that Joey is a major hunk of beef.
Joey: [on his way up] Guys, are you up there?
Jesse: Here he comes. Now, he doesn't know we're taping this, so... you're gonna see the real Joseph Gladstone.
Joey: [enters wearing a bathrobe and a towel around his neck, with wet hair and shaving cream on his face] Are you guys okay? [...] What's the big emergency?
Jesse: Uh, we've got a new chair. We have a new chair, and we wanted you to test it out. Here, sit down.
Joey: [sits down] You dragged me outta the shower for this? [...] [As Jesse and Danny keep saying good things about Joey, looking at the poster, he is getting freaked out.] You guys are really scaring me. So, I'm just gonna leave. And if you try to chase me, I'm just gonna scream like a little girl [hightails it out of there].
Jesse: [to the camera] Isn't he special?
Danny: [showing an (upside-down) photo of a formal-looking Joey] Joey Gladstone. Call now. Operators are standing by. [His brother-in-law turns the photo right-side-up.]
[The big day: in his room, Joey is cutting a newspaper into small pieces into a bucket for confetti, as Jesse and Danny come down to see him.]
Jesse: [holding a videotape] Joe! What are you doing?
Joey: Making confetti for my big New Year's party with Stephanie and Michelle. It is going to be great. 3, 2, 1! [He throws a little bit of it up, and does the first line of "Auld Lang Syne", sounding like a horn instrument, followed by a party horn sound.]
Danny: Joey, remember the other day when we had you test out that new chair? [...]
Jesse: We put you on tape, and secretly signed you up for a video-dating service.
Joey: How dare you subject me to that kind of public humiliation without my personal consent!
Jesse: I have a tape full of women who wanna meet you [holding it up].
Joey: God bless you fellas! Roll that tape.
Danny: I can't wait to see all your dates, right here on The Love Connection. [...]
Jesse: Alright, Joseph! You finally found yourself a date for New Year's Eve!
Joey: This isn't just a date. I think I've finally found the girl of my dreams.
[The big night...]
D.J.: [coming downstairs] I'm going to Kimmy's party, Dad. See you next year.
Danny: Happy New Year, honey [kisses her]. Don't forget, your curfew is at 11:30.
D.J.: Dad! It's New Year's Eve.
Danny: Sorry. 12:05.
D.J.: Dad! Don't be such a dad. It's gonna be a quiet little party at Kimmy's. [...] Let's compromise. I'll be home at 4:00 in the morning?
D.J.: Deal. Bye.
Cindy: [to D.J] See you later. [to her son] Now Rusty, remember what we talked about. You're gonna be on your best behavior tonight. Now, that means: no water balloons, no food fights, and especially no indoor campfires.
Rusty: Then what's the fun of staying here?
[Michelle and Stephanie walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, with Michelle repeatedly shouting the episode's title... again.]
Stephanie: [putting her hands on her sister's shoulders] Michelle, I keep telling you: 'Wait until 12:00'!
Michelle: Give me a break! I can't tell time!
Rusty: [approaching Stephanie] Hey Steph, guess what happens at midnight tonight: you get a New Year's kiss [makes kissing sounds].
Stephanie: Ew, gross! I'd rather go kiss a frog!
Rusty: Ribbit, ribbit. Ribbit, ribbit. [Which causes her to flee from him.]
Michelle: [walking back into the kitchen] Happy New Year! Happy New Year!...
Jesse: [as he and Becky walk out of the kitchen holding hands] Not yet! It's not yet!
[In the living room, everyone awaits the big ball drop in Times Square.]
Christine: [entering with Joey] Only three more minutes to go, you guys!
Joey: Oh, Michelle, are you sleeping? Huh? [He wakes her by gently shaking her shoulder.]
Michelle: [very softly] Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
Joey: [chuckles] No, it's still not time yet.
Michelle: This is taking forever.
[Suddenly, D.J. comes home from the party at Kimmy's – along with Ricky.]
Joey: Hey, Deej, what happened with your party?
D.J.: Well, Kimmy’s dad freaked out and sent everyone home.
Ricky: Yeah, just because a few extra guests showed up.
Joey: How many extra guests?
D.J.: The police estimated 400. [Ricky nods in agreement.]
[Michelle's impatient as the final seconds of 1990 tick away.]
Michelle: I'm wearing the hat. Where's the party?!
[As soon as it's officially 1991, and everyone kisses...]
Michelle: Where's the cake? Where's the presents?
Becky: Sweetheart, there are no cake or presents on New Year's.
Michelle: I stayed up all night to kiss a dog? This is nuts!
Jesse: Yeah, but tomorrow's New Year's Day, and you get to watch 37 [college] football games.
- The only known time when Jesse calls Danny and Joey by their formal names (see Quotes) in the same episode
- D.J.'s "Frog Prince" reference was possibly inspired by her being in the play of the same name in "Sisterly Love" (1.13)
- Stephanie has her first kiss
- The tune of "Jingle Bells" can be heard when D.J. departs for Kimmy's party
- Kimmy saying "Stupid Tanner Tricks" is a take on David Letterman's "Stupid Pet Tricks" and "Stupid Human Tricks" from his late-night shows, NBC's Late Night (1982–1993) and CBS' Late Show (1993–2015)
- Joey asks Christine if she remembers The Bullwinkle Show, adding: "not Rocky and Friends, but the real Bullwinkle Show?"; however, the series originally premiered in 1959 as Rocky and His Friends before being retitled The Bullwinkle Show in 1961
- The closing theme is oddly played a pitch lower than usual