|Joey's Funny Valentine|
|Season 7, episode 16|
|Air date||January 25, 1994|
|Writer(s)|| Jeff Franklin|
Adam I. Lapidus
|Next||The Last Dance|
In Stephanie and Michelle's room, Michelle is having trouble with her English/grammar homework, and asks Stephanie and D.J. about consonants and vowels. Stephanie sarcastically explains that a vowel is "anything that's not a consonant" while D.J. is also being sarcastic, claiming that a consonant is "anything that's not a vowel". Not getting anywhere, Michelle decides to work on her math homework.
After a couple of weeks of dating Roxy Martin, Joey introduces her to the family. She is a also a stand-up comedian. She is nervous about meeting the family, and as a result, can't think of anything funny to say. After Roxy meets the family, Jesse schedules her to perform on comedy night at The Smash Club, where she adds insulting jokes about the family to her comedy routine, suggesting that Danny and Becky should call Wake Up, San Francisco as "Go Back to Bed, San Francisco" and suggesting that there's no "Mute" button for meeting them in person, comparing the girls to The Three Stooges for their occasional fights, which leads to D.J. and Stephanie giving Michelle a short but stern lecture taking a cue from "Secret Admirer" (see Quotes), and even suggesting that Jesse has great hair and enough oil to join OPEC, and that last summer's "spill" was Jesse rinsing out his comb. Out of respect for Joey, the targets of Roxy's vitriol decide to grin and bear it. Later, Roxy apologizes.
The next day, as Nicky and Alex attempt to make animals with their Play-Doh, they chant that they want Joey to make animals with them because he does all the funny noises. Jesse tries his hand, but apparently, that doesn't sit well with the boys. Finally, Joey comes in, and all is well again.
However, the chat he has with the rest of the family shows how still disgusted they are with Roxy, with a warning for good measure (see Quotes). He adds that if they're not going to be around her, they're not going to be around him, which elicits groans from the audience. He then realizes that they're right, in that it was wrong for her to humor them the way she did and they realize that if Roxy's important to him, she's important to all, and they decide to give her another chance to humor them again.
At home, the girls find a parrot named Little Sid perched in their bedroom after it flew in through the open window. After returning Little Sid to his owner, Big Sid, the girls are given a choice of one item from Big Sid's store for free. However, this leads to arguments between the girls, as they each want to get a different item. D.J. wants to get a big-screen TV, and Stephanie wants to get a Karaoke machine. Danny doesn't want them coercing her, so the decisive vote is left up to Michelle, who brings home a cardboard cutout of Big Sid himself, complete with Little Sid on it.
Meanwhile, Jesse is afraid of looking old, so he dyes his hair.
Felicia Michaels plays Roxy Martin. Michaels is a stand-up comedian in real life. She was named Funniest Female Comic by the American Comedy Awards for 1999.
[Roxy is on stage doing her stand-up set...]
Roxy: Danny has three daughters [...] They're like the Three Stooges in pantyhose!
[Michelle laughs with the rest of the crowd, but the older girls are disgusted.]
D.J.: Michelle, that's not funny.
Stephanie: She's making us look like dorks.
Michelle: [stops laughing and crosses her arms angrily] The nerve.
Roxy: And what can I say about Jesse? He has great hair. He also has enough oil to join OPEC! [laughs] You know that spill last summer? That was Jesse rinsing out his comb. [Jesse starts to get up in anger, but his wife pulls him back down and tries to calm him down.]
Joey: [comes in and stands in the midst of the family] Hey, I told you guys she's funny. She's killing it up there. [looks at them, but is met with glares] And you're not laughin'.
Becky: No, we're not. But thanks for inviting us, Joey. What do you have planned for us next, a beating in the parking lot?
Joey: [In the kitchen, to the other 3 adult family members regarding their criticism of Roxy's jokes] Well, if you don't think she's funny, that's the same as saying you don't like her.
[D.J. and Stephanie are trying to persuade Michelle about what she should buy.]
D.J.: Big screen TV.
Stephanie: Karaoke machine.
D.J.: Big screen TV!
Stephanie: Karaoke machine!
[They keep fighting over what to purchase until it is too much for their little sister...]
Michelle: Dad! Please! Help! [She covers her ears.] Help, please!
[Danny comes in.]
Danny: What is it, honey?
Michelle: Make the noises stop! [Her older sisters stop.]
Danny: All right, D.J., Stephanie, move away from your sister. Okay, sweetheart [to Michelle], we're going to settle this once and for all. I am taking you down to Big Sid's, and you and you alone are going to make the decision.
D.J. and Stephanie: Dad, that's not fair... [talking over each other]
Danny: ...without Siskel & Ebert screaming in your ear. Okay, quick. Get in the car. Go. Go, go, go, go, go!
D.J.: But, Dad...!
Danny: Not another word. [turns and leaves] Get in the car, Michelle. I'm coming!
[He dashes downstairs while the older girls dash to the window, open it, and yell their suggestions as loud as they can as they stick their heads out.]
- The episode title is a play on "My Funny Valentine", originally a song from a 1937 musical Babes in Arms, and later recorded by Frank Sinatra and others
- In this episode, the cable car footage from the beginning of the opening credits (with the family at the front) is shown right at the end of the episode credits, but in this case is pulling up from far away, and then it cuts to the first scene before they can clearly be seen