|Season 7, episode 18|
|Air date||February 15, 1994|
|Previous||The Last Dance|
|Next||Love on the Rocks|
Nicky and Alex are playing "Cowboys", using all the pillows and blankets in the house to build a "fort". Becky catches on to what they're doing, and she teaches them that it's wrong to tell a fib, and tries to make them take all the pillows and blankets and put them back in their proper places. However, unbeknownst to her, Joey is behind the "fort". When Becky and the boys see him, they attack him.
In the living room, Danny is practicing some martial arts moves with Joey (see Quotes). Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, and it's Jesse. He has returned home from Greece, where he attended Papouli's funeral, which he said was more like a celebration of his life. Saying he needs a little help, he has brought a surprise for everyone which turns out to be his cousin Stavros, whom Nicky and Alex immediately mistake for their dad. What Jesse and the rest of the family don't know is that Stavros is a womanizing con artist.
After he returns from taking Stephanie and Michelle out to the race track (and makes Michelle bet all her tooth fairy money on a long shot), Stavros drinks orange juice right out of the carton, swindles Joey out of a watch and $20 in a game of gin rummy, makes a pass at Becky (causing her to hit him with a carrot), uses Danny's razor to shave, gets him a $65 ticket for parking next to a fire hydrant, and makes D.J. pay for an awful pizza (see Quotes and Trivia). To make matters worse, that $20 was the last of D.J.'s cash, so she doesn't even have enough for a delivery tip. When the rest of the family sees the pizza, they don't approve of it (see Quotes).
Initially, everyone decides to tough it out, as Stavros will be returning to Greece in a few days. However, Jesse, unaware of what is going on, announces that Stavros may be moving in with them. This is met with mixed expressions on everyone else's faces.
When everyone tries to inform Jesse that Stavros is a con man, he refuses to believe them (see Quotes). Stavros overhears that meeting.
Then Stavros prepares to go home because he says that the village of Polopolis was ruined by a severe mudslide. Without Jesse knowing it, Stavros gives everyone back Joey's watch and all the money he swindled them for, and apologizes to Becky for hustling her.
The Smash Club is the setting for Stavros' latest (and last) scam, and he is raising money for Polopolis's recovery from the mudslide, using a dance-a-thon organized by the family, where everyone can donate and participate. After that part of the scam is complete, he grabs more cash from unsuspecting patrons who didn't participate (see Quotes).
While he continues his get-rich-quick scheme, he tosses his jacket over Michelle, and Stephanie throws it off, finding an envelope with a plane ticket inside. She passes the news along to D.J., who passes it along to Becky. They all discover that there was no mudslide, and that Stavros not only was lying all along, but also plans to take the money—and Becky—on an airplane flight to Orlando, Florida with him tonight. All four of them are afraid that that nightmare could soon become reality, so instead of telling him directly again (like before), Becky huddles her nieces and comes up with a plan that proves to Jesse that Stavros is a con artist, using an undercover sting in Jesse's office. What Stavros doesn't know is that a microphone is hidden in a vase of flowers as part of the sting, which pretty much catches him in the act and confirms that the jig is up, as everything is heard through the speakers on stage. When he tries to escape with the cash box, all the guys stop him and cut him off (see Quotes).
Jesse tells Stavros that he trusted him. Stavros says Jesse has a wonderful job, beautiful wife, and perfect family. Jesse says that maybe he does have all that, but he did not get it by stealing, but by working for it, and that maybe that is something Stavros should try. Stavros insists that he did try working very hard, adding that it was the worst day of his life.
Danny and Joey then escort Stavros out of the Smash Club, with Michelle reminding Stavros about his 9:18 a.m. flight the next day, and then Jesse apologizes to the family for refusing to believe them. They understand that sometimes it is hard to believe the truth about a loved one, and that is why Jesse refused to believe them in the first place. Jesse wants to return everybody's money (see Quotes). To cap it off, everyone agrees to participate in a Greek dance.
[In the living room, Danny dons a martial arts outfit and wants Joey's help.]
Danny: OK, Joey, here we go. Please, uh, come at me with this banana.
Joey: Danny, look, I know you're really into this self-defense class, but I highly doubt that you're gonna get attacked by some crazed fruit vendor.
Danny: Come on, I gotta practice my disarm-and-disable move.
Joey: Alright, OK. [He takes the banana as Danny goes into martial arts mode, then he goes into a martial-arts-movie mode, making Chinese language-like sounds. Then, he lunges forward as Danny puts his hand up, only to have the banana splatter onto his face. Danny grabs a towel and wipes himself clean.]
Danny: I think I'd better work on that move.
[After Jesse explains Papouli's funeral, he has a surprise for them.]
Jesse: On a happier note, I've brought a surprise back from the old country that you guys are gonna love.
Michelle: A pony?
Danny: Michelle, no. A pony's a little too difficult to store in the overhead compartment [of an airplane].
Jesse: No, you guys are gonna love this. Stavros!
[And right on cue, the "surprise" comes in.]
Jesse: Everybody, this is the surprise: my cousin Stavros from Greece.
Michelle: I hope you didn't have to fit him in the overhead compartment.
[Stavros, Stephanie, and Michelle return home.]
Joey: Hey, guys.
Danny: Hey. [kisses Michelle] So, where did you take Stavros sight-seeing?
Joey: Golden Gate Bridge? Fisherman's Wharf?
Michelle: The race track.
Danny: You took Stavros to the race track?
Stephanie: No, he took us.
Danny: [looking shocked] Stavros took you to the track?
Stavros: [standing at the open fridge, drinking orange juice out of the carton] Track is very educational. [burps... To Michelle:] Tell Papa what you learned.
Michelle: Don't bet your tooth fairy money on a longshot. [She and Stephanie head upstairs.]
Stavros: [walks over to the table with the orange juice carton in hand] Thanks for use of car, Dan. I parked right in great spot, right in front of little rocket ship, where dogs go pee-pee. [He returns Danny's car keys.]
Danny: Rocket ship?... where dogs go pee-pee... fire hydrant. [He walks out and is just about to move his car when something comes to mind...] Do me a favor... don't put that (carton) back in the fridge.
[In the living room, the doorbell rings, and D.J. gets the door.]
D.J.: Who ordered pizza?
Stavros: I ordered for everybody.
D.J.: Oh, great. Cool.
Pizza man: That'll be 20 bucks.
Stavros: I'll get it.
Steve: Uh, Stavros, don't you owe that guy 20 bucks?
Stavros: Oh, I only have drachmas. D.J., be gemstone and pick this one up.
D.J.: [pulling a $20 bill out of her wallet and giving it to the pizza man] Well, that cleans me out. Anyone got a tip?
Kimmy: Here's a tip: if you tickle me with a feather duster, I'll purr like Catwoman. [She pays the tip.] Thanks, bye.
Stavros: [motioning to the teens] Kiddies. [He then opens the box, and the teens wave away the odors and hold their noses.]
D.J.: Oh! Smells like something crawled in there and died!
Steve: They should've delivered that thing in a lead box.
Stavros: Double feta cheese and lamb guts. Enjoy!
Kimmy: Uh, Deej, we'd love to stay, but... [She goes out the front door, along with Steve.]
[Becky is bending over in the refrigerator, still wearing her exercise leotard.]
Stavros: [He enters the kitchen and gets an eyeful. She brings out some carrots.] Beautiful.
Becky: Well, it's just a carrot.
Stavros: Anyone tell you you hold vegetables like... [gets close] Greek goddess?
Becky: Not recently.
Stavros: Mmm, and you smell... poppin' fresh.
Becky: Well, I was just at the gym and I rubbed on some Ben-Gay.
Stavros: This Ben, lucky guy. [He gets close to her... a little too close.]
Becky: Hey! [As she hits him on the head with a carrot.]
Stavros: Sorry, you smell so good. I-- I-- I-- just can't control. Bad nose! Bad nose!
Becky: Stavros [pointing the carrot at him to keep something between them], keep your nose out of my business [and she means business].
Stavros: Sorry. I respect nose. He has mind of its own. [hitting his nose] Bad nose. Bad, bad nose! Bad nose! [He goes upstairs.]
[While D.J. sits in the living room holding her nose, the rest of the family (including Comet) come downstairs.]
Joey: Hey look, gang, pizza.
[Stephanie opens the box and they try not to gag as they hold their noses and wave away the odors.]
Stephanie: When did they start using dirty laundry as a topping?
[Comet goes up to take a bite.]
D.J.: Well, at least there's one happy customer. [Comet backs up and gives a groan.] Or not.
[As he hurries out of the living room and into the kitchen, the rest of the family gathers, with Danny coming out from the kitchen side and Becky coming out from the laundry room side.]
Danny: Guys, I am not a happy camper. Look at this! I got a parking ticket for parking next to a fire hydrant. Stavros just cost me 65 bucks.
Joey: Well, he cost me 20 bucks and my watch.
D.J.: Wait, he had 20 bucks?! [She points at the pizza] He cost me 20 bucks for that hot... goat on dough!
Becky: Well, he hustles more than just money. When I was in the kitchen with him, he tried to hit on me.
Stephanie: Wow, Stavros is a sleazebag!
Danny: Well, he does have one good quality: He's leaving Thursday at 9:18 a.m.
Jesse: [coming downstairs] Hey, what do you guys think of Stavros? Isn't he a great guy?
Everyone else: Yeah. Great.
Danny: Yeah, it's a shame he has to leave so soon.
Michelle: Thursday, 9:18 a.m.
Jesse: Well, I don't know, guys. I've got great news. Now, get this: Because Stavros loves America and all you guys so much, he's thinking about moving here. I figured that since everyone gets along so well, I've asked him to stay here and live here until he gets settled. What do you guys think?
[No one wants to answer that (because the truth would hurt him).]
[After the break...]
Danny: Jess, I don't know if Stavros staying here is such a good idea.
Jesse: Danny, it's OK. I know what your concern is: Stavros used your razor to shave his chest, but I'll talk to him about it.
Danny: No, that's not it – he did what?
Joey: Jess, the guy's a con man. He's been hustling us ever since he got here.
Jesse: Con man? I can't believe what you guys are saying. Now, when I lived in Greece, Stavros treated me like a brother, and he's family. You insult Stavros, you insult me.
Becky: Listen, Jess. Stavros made a pass at me. I had to hit him with a carrot.
Jesse: Honey, it's OK. He told me about it. It's all a big misunderstanding. He's Greek. You know how Greeks are. They're passionate, they're physical. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.
[The dance-a-thon at the Smash Club has just wrapped up, and Stavros continues to rake in cash for his latest scam.]
Stavros: OK, dance-a-thon over! [applause] OK, time to put money where my hand is. Dig in pockets. [He gestures to the money box, then proceeds to grab more cash from unsuspecting patrons; while he does so, he tosses his jacket, and it lands on Michelle, covering her. As soon as Stephanie throws the jacket off, both she and Michelle discover an envelope on the floor, and pick it up.]
Stephanie: What's this? [She opens it up.] A plane ticket?! [D.J. passes by, and they immediately show it to her.] Deej, look! Stavros is flying to Orlando, Florida tonight.
Becky: [walks by] Hey, girls.
D.J.: [shows the ticket] Aunt Becky, you might be interested in this. Stavros is flying to Orlando tonight.
Becky: Oh, no. I bet this whole mudslide thing is just another one of his scams. By tomorrow, he's gonna be cruising the Magic Kingdom trying to get Tinker Bell's phone number!
Stephanie: [sighs] We'd better tell Uncle Jesse.
Becky: You know Uncle Jesse feels about Stavros, Steph. He's not gonna believe us. We're gonna have to prove it to him, and you know what? I think I have a way to do it. Come here. [She and her nieces get into a huddle, and she whispers her plan to them.]
[During the sting, there's a knock on the door. Becky opens it and Michelle's there.]
Becky: [sighs heavily then intensely whispers:] How come you're not Jesse in a jealous rage?
Michelle: Maybe it's because we couldn't hear you?
Becky: I probably should turn the microphone on.
Becky: [closes the door and figures out enough of a distraction to allow her to turn the mic on] Stavros... your loafer's untied. [While he bends down to tie his shoe, she quickly removes the mic, flips it on (complete with "click" sound), and puts it back in the rose vase.]
[Towards the end of the sting, Stavros and Becky discuss his plan.]
Stavros: We sneak off to Florida... Why are you sticking flowers in my face?
Becky: So everyone can hear you!
Stavros: [sticks his hand inside the rose vase and pulls out...] A microphone! [He starts to leave, but then...] Does this mean you don't want to go? [She grabs the mic as he finally makes his exit.]
Becky: [over the speaker] Jess! If you're listening, here he comes!
[Stavros dashes to the stage and grabs the cash box, but Danny stops him.]
Danny: Hold it! [He uses the martial arts skills he practiced earlier (along with the sounds), which causes Stavros to throw the box into his hands.]
[He tries another way to escape but Joey stops him too.]
Stephanie: Get him, Uncle Jesse!
[Stavros tries to get past Jesse but that attempt lands him into his arms, throwing him over his shoulders, and Joey and Danny grab him.]
Jesse: Alright, guys. Let him go. [They do.] Stavros, how could you do this to me? To my family? I trusted you, man. I looked up to you.
Stavros: Oh, look at you. All I'm hearing in Greece is about Jesse in America. How wonderful job is, beautiful wife, perfect family.
Jesse: All right, maybe I do have all that. But I didn't get it by stealing—I worked for it. Maybe that's something you should try.
Stavros: I did try. I worked very, very hard. Worst day of my life.
Jesse: You hurt me, Stavros. You may be family... but you're outta here. [to the family] I'm sorry, guys.
Danny: It's OK, Jess. Come on, Stavros. You've got a plane to catch.
Michelle: Thursday, 9:18. Be there!
Danny: Let's go. [He and Joey escort Stavros out of the club.]
Jesse: [to the family, as Becky walks over to him] I'm sorry, guys. I should've listened to you. [to the patrons] And everybody, I'm gonna make sure you get your money back.
D.J. : Or you could give to a really good cause, like the children's hospital.
Jesse: That's a good idea, Deej. What do you guys think? [Everyone applauds the decision.] Oh, I'm sorry, Beck. I should've listened to you about Stavros.
Becky: Well, when you care about someone, sometimes it's hard to see the truth.
- John Stamos plays a dual role as Jesse and Stavros (with David Dean as Stamos' double—credited at the end)
- The only appearance of cousin Stavros
- The episode title is a take on a 1964 Elvis Presley movie titled Kissin' Cousins (referenced in season 4's "Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor" – as Jesse is a big Elvis fan)
- Becky's line: "the kind of place you want to go to after you've won the Super Bowl" is a reference to Walt Disney World, which is known for it's "I'm going to Disney World!" post-Super Bowl campaign
- When D.J. mentions the "dance-a-thon" they had done to raise money for a children's hospital, it may have been a reference to "Our Very First Telethon" (season 3)
- The music to which everyone does the Greek dance in the final few seconds carries over to the syndicated bumper logo (instead of using the truncated closing theme)
- Prior to the airing, ABC aired a promo for the episode (as well as for that night's Phenom)
- The episode reveals that Danny started taking a martial arts class after D.J. ("Joey Gets Tough")