|Little Shop of Sweaters|
|Season 2, episode 14|
|Air date||February 10, 1989|
On Valentine's Day, everyone is celebrating in different ways. Stephanie is busy making valentines for school (with Michelle licking the envelopes), and Jesse has gotten Becky some earrings (though Joey thought those were his, as he can't wait to get his ears pierced). Danny has gifts of his own for his girls, who do the "triple-leg 'pretty please' hug" (D.J. & Danny, Stephanie & Joey, and Michelle & Jesse) to get them: Stephanie a gold heart locket, D.J. a pair of royal blue socks, and Michelle a sweatshirt with colored hearts.
Meanwhile, Danny has also bought D.J. the royal blue sweater that she wanted (to match the socks), though she was anxious to get it during the after-Christmas sale(s). She puts it on and goes to school. At recess, she removes it so that it would not get all sweaty, but after she puts it on the ground, the school groundskeeper runs over it with the lawnmower, and it is shredded.
Later that day, after she sorts all the valentines she received at school (as Mr. Bear "looks on"), Stephanie asks about the sweater, and her roommate shows her the evidence, piece by piece (see Quotes and photos).
D.J. does not want Danny to know about this, so she and Stephanie go to the mall to buy a replacement sweater, which is priced at $80, and unfortunately, per the sales clerk, won't be going on sale anytime soon during the day. Luckily, Kimmy concocts a scheme with her best friend to help her, and Stephanie also helps out. Unfortunately, once all their money is totaled, they're still short (see Quotes).
As the family heads to the mall and the girls head to the store where the sweater was bought, Stephanie sees a sign on the checkout counter that says "Buy now, Pay later". Not realizing that a credit card is required to do so, and being too young to understand how a credit card even works, she grabs the sweater in an effort to help D.J., but this gets her accused of shoplifting. She tells D.J. the whole story, and D.J. decides to wear the sweater (provided that they hide all the evidence) while they go out for dinner with Danny.
The next morning, the girls go back to the mall to return the sweater, but the clerk catches them upon the sound of the alarm and calls Danny, Jesse, and Joey. Even D.J. points out that Stephanie misunderstood the "Buy now, pay later" part of the sign by noting that Stephanie thinks that she could buy the sweater one day, and then pay the next time they return. The store does not press charges on the girls, and Danny tells them that they're very lucky. With that out of the way, Danny decides to buy Michelle a hat and pay cash for it.
Later, Danny decides that if they can't have the replacement sweater, they will just have to fix D.J.'s ruined sweater – which ironically, was priced at... $80! The roommates, having learned their lessons, give their "sisters forever" promise and hug (bringing a reaction of "aw" from the studio audience). Stephanie says that she can play with D.J.'s toys and borrow her CDs or clothes anytime she wants, and D.J. says there is no chance of that happening because of the two rules from the series premiere; but Stephanie says that that was a good time to ask if she could do so, and D.J. allows her to either play with one toy or borrow one CD or piece of clothing, so Stephanie walks over to the closet to make her choice (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[The opening teaser:]
Jesse: [looks at Michelle] What are you doing eating with your hands? Now, someday you're going to be invited to the White House to eat fruit cocktail with the president, and if you eat with your fingers, there's a very good chance you're gonna gross out the commander-in-chief. Now, you eat with a spoon, all right?
Michelle: No, thank you.
Jesse: No, thank you? Michelle, grab that spoon and eat. [She picks up the spoon, but then eats with her other hand.] [smiles] Okay, but you're on your own when the soup comes, young lady. [gets up and walks across the room] I see you. I see that you're sneaking one with your hands. I see you! [He nibbles her ear, and she has a big smile.]
Danny: [walks into the kitchen] Happy Valentine’s Day, girls!
D.J.: All right, Dad, Fashion Central. You got my royal blue sweater!
Danny: [tries to play it nonchalant] I don’t know anything about a royal blue sweater. [to Jesse and Joey] Guys, you know anything about a royal blue sweater?
Joey: Nup, nuh-uh.
Jesse: No way.
D.J.: Yes, you do. I started hinting for it the day after Christmas.
Stephanie: You don't have to yell at me. I've got ears.
D.J.: But you've got nothing between them, you little chicken wing.
Stephanie: Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm a chicken wing, then you're a double-decker lame-oid chicken sandwich!
Danny: You're lucky to have a sister. Say something nice about each other.
D.J.: Okay. Stephanie, you have a wonderful big sister.
Stephanie: And, D.J., you have an even more wonderful little sister.
D.J.: Yes, I do. Her name's Michelle.
Stephanie: Ha! [And she walks out.]
[Stephanie goes through all the valentines she got from her classmates – as Mr. Bear "looks on".]
Stephanie: And, Mr. Bear, this one's from Jason Fleming. And this one's from Jason Greenblatt. And this one's from Jason Yamagato. And this one's from Wendell Berman. [Just as she finishes examining that last valentine, her sister comes home and is not a very happy camper.] D.J., what's wrong?
D.J.: Don't ask.
Stephanie: It's too late. I already asked. Hey, where’s your new sweater?
D.J.: [pulls parts of her now ruined sweater out of her backpack one piece at a time] Right here… and here [as shown in the infobox photo]… and here.
Stephanie: What happened? Did it blow up?
D.J.: I was so stupid! I was playing soccer at recess, and I took my sweater off so it wouldn’t get all sweaty. Next thing I know, the gardener drives the stupid lawnmower right over my sweater.
Stephanie: Daddy is gonna freak out.
D.J.: Not if my plan works.
Kimmy: Have no fear. Kimmy Gibbler's here!
Stephanie: If she's part of your plan, you need a new plan.
D.J.: No, I need a new sweater. My plan is to go back to the store and buy one.
Kimmy: Here's $11.80. It's all the money I have.
D.J.: Kimmy, you're the best friend in the whole world [hugs her].
Kimmy: Okay, here's the other $5 [bringing the total to $16.80].
D.J.: Well, I have $27 in my I-gotta-get-a-car-the-day-I-turn-16 fund [bringing the total to $43.80].
[Mall trip #1...]
D.J.: Thanks for the ride, Joey. We'll be done in about 10 minutes.
Joey: Okay. I'm gonna go down to the one-hour photo store and watch people's vacations go by. Bye, girls.
D.J.: Oh, here it is. It's so pretty. It's so perfect. It's so in one piece. It's so... eighty dollars?!
Julie (store employee): Hi. May I help you, girls?
D.J.: Yes. By any chance would this sweater be going on sale soon? Like in the next 10 minutes?
Julie: No, I'm sorry.
D.J.: Well, we only have $43.80.
Stephanie: Plus... Three hundred and twenty-two pennies in cash [$3.22, bringing the total to $47.02].
Julie: I'm sorry, you're a little short [by $32.98, to be exact].
Stephanie: I can't help it. I'm only six.
[The girls come home from the mall and Stephanie takes the sweater out of the bag.]
D.J.: Stephanie, how'd you pay for that sweater?!
Stephanie: I didn't have to. The lady said I could buy now and pay later. So I took it for you. [handing her sister the sweater] You're welcome.
D.J.: [She and Kimmy both look at it with their mouths open.] Oh, Stephanie.
Stephanie: What's wrong?
Kimmy: You ripped it off.
Stephanie: No, I didn't. It's wrong to steal.
D.J.: Look, Stephanie, I know you were trying to help me [sighs], but you took the sweater without paying.
Stephanie: That's called credit.
D.J.: Well, if you don't have a credit card, it's called shoplifting.
Stephanie: It is?
Kimmy: I gotta get outta here. If the police ever connect me with this crime, I might be banned from the mall forever!
Stephanie: I'm a criminal? I broke the law? D.J., I'm scared. I don't want to go to jail.
[After the break...]
Stephanie: Am I gonna go to prison?
D.J.: Steph, don't panic. You're not gonna go to jail. Look, all we have to do is return the sweater tomorrow and everything will be just fine. Just calm down.
Stephanie: I feel much better.
Danny: Let's go, valentines. We've got a date tonight. Oh, D.J., wear your new sweater. I can't wait to see how it looks on you.
Stephanie: Now what do we do?
D.J.: Well, if I wear the stolen sweater to dinner and return it tomorrow, at least I won't ruin everyone's Valentine's Day. I'd ruin tomorrow instead.
Stephanie: You have such a good heart.
D.J.: Now, all I have to do is get this little plastic alarm thingy off. [She struggles.] It won't come off.
[In the living room, Cheryl, Joey, and Danny are waiting for the girls to come downstairs so they can go out.]
Danny: Come on, girls. Let's go!
Joey: [dressed and sounding like Popeye:] Ahoy, landlubber! I'm setting sail for me Valentine costume party. Does you have any spinach in a can? This frozen stuff shivers me timbers.
Danny: I thought you were to go as a famous romantic couple. What happened to Cheryl?
Joey: Oh, Olive Oyl? It's your Romeo.
Cheryl: [dressed and sounding like Olive Oyl:] Oh, hi, Popeye!
Joey: [normal voice:] No, wait. Cheryl, it's more like, [as Olive Oyl:] 'Oh, Popeye. My hero.'
Cheryl: Oh, Popeye. My hero!
Joey: We'll work on it.
Cheryl: [normal voice:] Well, I'll work on my voice and you work on these muscles.
Joey: [to Danny as Popeye:] And she's got a little smart mouth on her [mumbles]. All right, now, where's that little Swee'Pea? Oh, Swee'pea!
Danny: Oh, Michelle, come here. That's how you looked the day you were born.
Joey: Oh, gosh, how adorable.
Michelle: Hi, Popeye.
Danny: Here you go [hands her to Cheryl].
Joey: Danny, I wish you was coming with me. Now that I takes a good looks at ya, you're built more like Olive Oyl than Cheryl is. Come on, Olive. Let's go before me forearms explode.
[Mall trip #2...]
D.J.: Okay. We walk in, put the sweater back you stole, and walk out. Now, just act casual. What are you doing?
Stephanie: Acting casual.
D.J.: Just act regular.
[But either way, the minute they set foot in, the alarm blares due to the security device.]
Julie: Hold it, young lady. Do you have a receipt for this sweater?
Stephanie: No, ma'am, I don't have a receipt. I'm a shoplifter.
D.J.: You're gonna laugh when I explain this story to you. Well, see, my cute little baby sister [pinches her cheek]. See how cute? Well, see, she thought that "buy now, pay later" meant you could come back and pay later for it [fake laughs]. [petting Stephanie on the head] Little kids.
Julie: Do you girls realize that shoplifting is a serious crime?
Julie: I'm going to have to call your parents.
Stephanie: Could you ask to speak to Joey?
[The humiliated girls sit next to the counter waiting for the guys, who arrive.]
Jesse: You all right?
Danny: Are you okay?
D.J.: Yeah, Dad.
Julie: Hi. Are you their father?
Danny: I certainly am. How dare you accuse these sweet, innocent girls of shoplifting.
Jesse: Don't you have anything better to do than harass my perfect little nieces?
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, I stole the sweater.
Jesse: Not everyone's perfect.
D.J.: She stole the sweater for me because I ruined the one you gave me.
Danny: When I first came in here, did I throw a little hissy fit?
Joey: You know, that is so unlike him.
D.J.: Dad, I'm really sorry.
Stephanie: I'm sorrier.
Danny: I'm just in shock because I raised my daughters to know the difference between right and wrong. [And when his youngest daughter grabs a hat...]
We'll be paying cash for the hat. [He does so, and then everyone leaves the mall and heads home.]
[In their bedroom, the girls are having a talk with their father about what happened.]
Danny: You guys are very lucky that nobody is pressing charges.
Stephanie: You're not kidding. They almost sent me up the stream.
D.J.: That's up the river.
Stephanie: Hey, I'm new at this.
Danny: Girls, I really like that you tried to help each other, but why didn't you come to me when you were in trouble?
D.J.: Because I thought I could handle things on my own.
Danny: D.J., you always think that. But to be honest, you're better at getting into trouble than getting out of it.
D.J.: Well, is there any way to practice getting out without getting in?
Danny: Well, no. But once you get in, you have to come to me or Uncle Jesse or Joey and let us help you. Because no matter what happens, we're always on your side.
D.J.: Thanks, Dad.
Danny: I love you.
Stephanie: Yeah, thanks, Daddy. Maybe you can help us fix D.J.'s sweater.
Danny: I'll sure give it a try. [Stephanie reaches under D.J.'s bedclothes, retrieves the pieces of D.J.'s sweater and hands them to him.] This was an $80 sweater. But what's really important here is that we all learned a good lesson. [He leaves, and outside the door...] Eighty dollars!
The episode title is a take on the title to the musical Little Shop of Horrors (play and films).