|Middle Age Crazy|
|Season 2, episode 10|
|Air date||January 6, 1989|
|Writer(s)||Lawrence E. Hartstein & Richard H. Rossner|
|Previous||Our Very First Christmas Show|
|Next||A Little Romance|
Stephanie knows it is not easy being the middle child. The way things are going, Stephanie thinks that D.J. and Michelle are getting all of the attention, and she herself is getting left out. Jesse and Joey are working on a jingle until they start helping D.J. with a science project – after they ignored Stephanie's request for them to watch her break a hula-hoop record. Danny is trying to videotape Michelle for Wake Up, San Francisco, ignoring Stephanie's request for him to watch her break the hula-hoop record that she also wanted Jesse and Joey to watch her break, and even worse, all three of them are ignoring the fact that she learned "I Write the Songs" in school that day.
Later that day, while in her room, and using the cassette player with microphone, she records the aforementioned song for Mr. Bear to hear. But, singing to a stuffed animal is not enough after being ignored over D.J. and Michelle, so she stops and says that her heart's not in it. She lies back on her bed and dreams about herself as an astronaut returning from Mars (which everyone completely blows off in favor of Michelle's blinking, and D.J's getting the mail).
Stephanie has had enough, and she believes that the only way she will get out of this situation is if she is not living at home anymore, so she decides that she wants to marry her friend Harry. Their friends have a mock wedding ceremony, complete with the works.
Then, the guys and D.J. come to their senses and realize how bad they have made Stephanie feel, and everyone explains why being in the middle is good, even when she tries to storm off and Jesse and Joey have to carry her back, with her (literally) in the middle (see Quotes)! Everyone hugs her individually, even D.J. and Michelle.
Afterwards, Danny decides to record the girls in the video. And, Stephanie treats everyone to her finally breaking her 100 hula-hoop record with 103, and singing "I Write the Songs" at the same time, at which point everyone else joins in (after which the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[The teaser: In Michelle's bedroom, the guys are making bubbles with her.]
Danny: Do more, Michelle.
Jesse: Dip it in there. Put it in and blow it.
Joey: [using a bigger hoop-type, which you wave and not blow] Here goes a double.
Jesse: Watch how I do it. Take it up. Now, blow it.
Joey: Watch how big mine is.
Jesse: [to Michelle] Good.
Danny: I got bubbles till they turn--
Jesse: [Joey does a big one that pops in Michelle's face] Look out! [Michelle has had enough and heads to the door, shaking her messy hands.] Watch this, Joey.
Danny: Look at all these bubbles. Wait a minute. Look at this one.
[D.J. arrives and stands in the doorway.]
Jesse: Watch this. Watch how many I can do.
D.J.: Now, boys [wagging her finger]. I don't mind you playing, but I hope you finished your homework [They stop playing].
Danny: We finished our homework.
Jesse: Yeah [and they return to their bubbles].
[In the kitchen, Danny has the camcorder ready to videotape Michelle.]
Danny: Okay, Michelle, Daddy is gonna make a home video of you to show all the nice viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco. All right, when I say action, you walk over to the table and you show everybody how you eat like a big girl. All right, Michelle?
Danny: Okay. Now, go to the table... and 'action'. [She goes over to her horse.] No, no. No horsey. No horsey, honey. Sit at the table. The table. The table.
Danny: Okay, fine. We'll make it a Western. [puts her on her horsey] All right. Okay [picks up the camera], can you say, "yippie yi-yo ki-yay"?
Stephanie: [rushing in with Harry] Daddy, Daddy, guess what! I did 103 Hula-Hoops at school today!
Harry: It was awesome.
Both: One, two, three, four, five--
Danny: Uh, Stephanie. Honey, I'm very happy for you but right now I'm busy making a movie about your adorable little sister.
Stephanie: Daddy, I can be adorable too. [as she smiles from ear to ear] One, two, three, four, five, six...
Danny: Stephanie...[She stops.] I'm very sorry, but this tape is just about Michelle. I'll watch you later. [Stephanie frowns.]
[In Joey's bedroom...]
Jesse: [on the phone] Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Don't worry, Mr. Dreyer. You're gonna have the Sweat World Health Club jingle first thing tomorrow morning just like we promised. Yes, sir. How's it coming along? [picks up the wastebasket, nearly full of wadded up paper] We got a barrel full of good ideas. Yeah. [Joey starts throwing more paper, but not into the basket, just at Jesse.] Yeah. Well, I gotta-- I gotta go. Yeah. Another great idea just hit me. Okay. Yes, sir. I promise, tomorrow morning you'll-- Joseph. You'll have jingle magic. Yes, sir. Bye-bye [hangs up]. Joseph, [throwing wads back] you are so immature!
Joey: I'm sorry, Jess. I'm just frustrated. We gotta get this jingle. Okay, what's the problem? I'm a funny guy... It must be you.
Jesse: This is no time to start turning on each other. Now, we make a great team! Man, we're the best. We're the brightest. This jingle is taking a little extra time because we're holding out for quality. Now, check the trash again. [...] [They use the one Joey found in the trash.] Let's try--Oh, the jump thing. All right, let's try it out. [Both beat-boxing.] [rapping] 'If your body's looking chubby, your friends call you tubby, and your wife's out shopping for a brand-new hubby, then you better stop crying, and start pumping iron at the...'
Joey: '...Sweat, Sweat, Sweat [sounding like a DJ turntable], Sweat World!'
Jesse: Yeah! [They high-five.] Whoo! [They shake hands.] Very nice! [They look at each other.] That stinks [scratches his head and sits in The Thinker position, as Stephanie enters].
Stephanie: Guess what! I broke the first-grade record! Watch me do 103 Hulas. One, two, three... [...]
Joey: Steph, tell you what. We'll watch you later.
Stephanie: Later? I'm getting to hate that word.
Jesse: Stephanie, we're sorry, but your Uncle Jesse and Joey are under tremendous pressure. [to Joey] All right, let's get this thing going.
D.J.: [rushing in] Guys, you gotta help with my science homework. I'm desperate.
Stephanie: Sorry, D.J., you'll have to wait till later. Uncle Jesse and Joey are under tremendous pressure.
D.J.: Please, I really need your help. I have to build some kind of homemade thingy to drop an egg two stories without breaking it. And it's due tomorrow. [...] Guys, if I fail this science project, I won't get out of the sixth grade. Oh, come on, Joey. Please, please please, please, pretty please. [They help her.]
[Stephanie is hula-hooping at the top of the basement stairs...]
Stephanie: ...95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102.
D.J.: [comes upstairs in a hurry...] Steph, look out. We have work to do [...and walks into the hoop].
Stephanie: D.J.! I was one Hula away from my record.
D.J.: [as she opens the fridge and pulls out an egg carton] Sorry, Steph, but you happen to be hooping in my laboratory.
Joey: [coming up with Jesse] Hey, what can we use to build this thing?
D.J.: [setting the carton on the counter] Anything around the house.
Jesse: How about a suitcase full of cotton?
D.J.: [reading the note next to such] 'Rule number 26: No suitcases full of cotton.'
Stephanie: No fair. You said you were too busy to play with me. How come you're playing with D.J.?
Jesse: Stephanie, we're not playing. This is for D.J.'s school.
D.J.: [walking over to the table with the egg carton and sitting down] Yeah, this happens to be a 6th-grade science project.
Stephanie: Well, pin a rose on your nose (see Trivia).
D.J.: You're just too young to understand.
Joey: I got it. I got a great idea. We put the egg inside nature's perfect shock absorber...a Twinkie.
Jesse: Good thinking, Ding Dong.
[In the living room, Danny is videotaping Michelle listening to her cassette player with headphones (see Gallery).
Michelle: La la la.
Stephanie: [looks into the camera lens] Okay, Daddy, it's later.
Danny: Ah, Steph, Michelle was just singing the cutest little song.
Stephanie: I learned a new song in school today [starts singing it].
Danny: Steph, Steph. As happy as I am to hear that the public schools are keeping that song alive, I really have to get some footage of Michelle singing her little song.
Stephanie: [to Michelle] You think you're so cute.
Michelle: 'Don't worry. Be happy.'
Stephanie: Oh, no. You are so cute. [She sadly takes her hula hoop and sulks upstairs.]
[In D.J. & Stephanie's bedroom, Stephanie is singing "I Write the Songs" with her cassette recorder into a microphone.]
Stephanie: [stops singing] Sorry, Mr. Bear. My heart's just not in it [pushes the stop button]. [lies back on her pillows] Anyway, you're probably more interested in D.J. and Michelle. Everybody else is. Nobody cares what I do. [The camera slowly zooms in on her face as she stares into space, and a glissando accompanies the fade effect into the daydream... where she comes in the front door wearing a pink astronaut suit.] Hi, everybody! I just got back from Mars. I'm the first kid in space.
Danny: Oh, that's nice, honey. Wipe your feet.
Jesse: Shh! She's ready to do it now. Don't mess up her concentration. Ready?
[The guys take out video cameras just as Michelle blinks.]
Danny: She did it! She blinked! [...]
Stephanie: Excuse me. Did anybody hear me say, "I went to Mars"?
Jesse: Steph, Steph, later. Michelle, for being so cute and adorable and such a good blinker. Joey, tell her what she's won.
Joey: Well Jess; cute, adorable, blinking Michelle has won Stephanie's bike! [...]
Stephanie: You get my bike for blinking? I just got back from Mars. What do I get?
[Suddenly, the doorbell rings.]
The guys: (in unison) Get the door.
Stephanie: Hot dog. [opens it, and as a royal fanfare plays, a red carpet rolls into the living room.] For me?
D.J.: [as she enters] No, for me. Get off my rug, you little nerd-bomber!
The guys: (in unison) D.J.!
[Following the "royal welcome", they bring out a robe, crown, and scepter to give her the "royal treatment".] [...]
Stephanie: What'd she do?!
D.J.: I went to the mailbox and got the mail [as she proudly holds it up].
Stephanie: But I went to Mars. Look what I learned to do [flaps her arms and suddenly floats off the ground and into the air, but nobody pays any attention to her.] [...] [Danny asks her to dust while she's afloat.] How rude. [As the glissando takes us back to reality and the camera zooms out...] How very rude.
[In the backyard, the "wedding" is underway (shown in photos and video).]
Harry: [to Jimmy] Are you sure you know how to marry people?
Jimmy: My dad's a minister. He's dragged me to hundreds of these. Music [which cues most of the others to play "Here Comes the Bride" on kazoos, and that cues Stephanie to march "down the aisle" and stands next to Harry]. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Stephanie and Harry in holy 'mattress money' (see Trivia). Harry, do you take Stephanie...?
Harry: I'll take her anywhere. After we're married, we can cross the street.
Stephanie: No, no. What he means is: do you promise to pay lots of attention to me, no matter what D.J. does or how cute Michelle is?
Harry: Yeah, why not.
Jimmy: Now, it's time for the wedding 'bows' (instead of vows). [Harry bows to Stephanie, and she curtsies back to him.] Now, say, 'I do.'
Stephanie: I do.
Harry: I do too.
Jimmy: May I have the ring, please?
Harry: Wait [takes out a Cracker Jack box from his pocket, sticks his hand in to get the 'prize', and as he pulls it out...].
Jimmy: Did you get a ring?
Harry: Better. I got a stick-on tattoo of Scooby Doo. [to Stephanie] Lick your hand. [She does and he sticks in on.]
Stephanie: It's beautiful. [All the girls go: "Ooooh".]
Jimmy: Stephanie and Harry, I now 'announce' you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. [They both go: "Ewww"] If you don't kiss, you're not really married. [She holds out her hand and covers her eyes, and he quickly kisses it.]
Stephanie: He's not a bad kisser.
Stephanie: Some family. You don't even care that I broke the hula-hoop record or went to Mars.
Danny: You went to Mars? Maybe we have been a tad preoccupied.
Jesse: Kiddo, we're sorry we ignored you. We didn't mean to.
Joey: Yeah, I guess we just got caught up in what we were doing.
D.J.: Well, now that my science project is done I can watch you hula-hoop.
Stephanie: Forget it. It doesn't matter! You're always gonna be the oldest, and Michelle's always gonna be the baby, and I'm always gonna be stuck in the middle [leaves for the kitchen, but... Jesse & Joey tell "Goldilocks" to 'Hold it', grab her by her arms, and carry her back]. See what I mean? I'm stuck in the middle again [literally, between them]!
Joey: You're the only one that has a big sister and a little sister.
Stephanie: That's true. What else you got?
Danny: Well, another good thing about being the middle child is that a lot of the mistakes we made raising D.J., we won't have to make on you. [...] Stephanie, come here [takes her by the hand and leads her over to have a heart-to-heart]. You have to realize that sometimes your sisters are gonna need our attention. But if you ever feel like you're not getting your fair share, I want you to come and tell us about it.
Stephanie: Really? I can do that?
Danny: You better. Every time I get a little busy with something, I don't want you to run off and get married.
Stephanie: Me neither. I don't know about this husband thing. One whiff of their mom's meatloaf and they're gone.
[They all line up to hug her.] [...]
Danny: You know, I think this home video would be so much better if it had all three of my girls. Let me see. You wanna sing "I Write the Songs" or go for the Hula-Hoop record?
Stephanie: Daddy, I can do both [and she proves it]. [singing] 'I write the songs that make the whole world sing, I write the songs of love and special things...
Everyone: 'I write the songs that make the young girls cry; I write the songs, I write the songs!'
- Middle Age Crazy is the title of a 1980 comedy film
- The only known episode where both front doors open (though technically only the one on the right can be opened by hand)
- The first episode in which Stephanie utters her recurring phrase "Well, pin a rose on your nose"
- The episode is referenced in the Fuller House episode "War of the Roses", where Stephanie (who is still referring to Harry as her husband after all these years) has a flashback, complete with archival footage, as she recounts the "wedding" to Becky
- Additionally, Harry (in Fuller House) repeats his childhood line "holy mattress money" (a mistake on "holy matrimony") when he tells Stephanie he is getting married for real
- Goof: In one scene, the camera zooms up on the window of Michelle's room, but then cuts to D.J. and Stephanie's room.
- The "One to One-Feel Good About Yourself: Be Proud" PSA featuring D.J.'s failed cheerleading tryout was done at the time of the taping of the episode