|Season 3, episode 18|
|Air date||February 16, 1990|
|Writer(s)|| Marc Warren|
|Next||Those Better Not Be the Days|
In the kitchen, Danny helps Michelle learn how to record a greeting message on their new answering machine. But instead of a usual greeting, she sings "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" until Danny stops her and does the proper greeting himself, after which he lets her do the "beep" that signals the beginning of a recipient's message.
Joey gets a chance to be the title character on a new TV science show called Mr. Egghead. Because he adores children, he is certain that he would be the ideal host for the show. He even asks Jesse to play his sidekick, "The Professor".
Meanwhile, Danny and D.J. feel that they must use every trick in the book to fight a $30 speeding ticket that he received. They even practice the "testimony" upstairs in D.J. and Stephanie's room. But during the real thing, the parking meter runs out and his car gets towed, costing him $100 to get it back.
Stephanie and her classmates are the guest audience on Joey's audition show, intended to decide if he will be the replacement host. Joey feels like Mr. Scrambled Egghead when he accidentally breaks her nose during the taping of the show, and her class picture is the next day.
Stephanie was humiliated in her class picture last year because the photographer snapped the picture while she was in the middle of a sneeze. This year, she absolutely refuses to let a metal nose splint result in yet another humiliating class picture. She is afraid that her classmates will call her "Robo-Nose" this year after calling her "Sneeze Burger" last year (see Quotes). However, her sister warns her that Danny will bust her if she tries to weasel her way out.
In fact, on picture day, she tries every trick in the book herself to sneak out of having her class picture taken with the splint on, even asking Michelle to make her a PB&J that turns out to be inverted and sniffed out and eaten by Comet (see Quotes)! And instead of Danny, it's the other guys who bust her and explain to her that the class picture's something she can only treasure once in each of her grade school years (broken nose or not), meaning she has no choice but to go to school and participate in her class picture; no if's, and's, or "but"'s about it (see Quotes).
But, to alleviate the pain, there are two pictures taken: One where everyone wears Groucho glasses, and one without (the latter of which elicits applause from the studio audience as the EP credits appear).
[When Joey ("Mr. Egghead") picks Stephanie to be his assistant...]
Walter: [stands] Hey! They live in the same house. This is a fix.
Kids: [chant] Fix! Fix! Fix!
Jesse: [singing "Fix!" as he plays the "Charge (fanfare)" on the keyboard, using the organ setting, appropriately; as a humiliated Joey walks over to him and he and the kids all do a fist pump] Fix!
Joey: Don't "egg" them on, professor [does the salute gesture, hitting him on the forehead].
[To demonstrate kinetic energy, Stephanie's asked to pull a machine handle, triggering a boxing glove that'll hit an inflatable clown. But after multiple attempts to pull it, she realizes...]
Stephanie: It's stuck!
Joey: So it is! Because as we say in the laboratory, "Something's wrong!"
Walter: [as everyone in the audience crosses their arms in disgust] This would never happen to the real Mr. Egghead.
Jesse: Walter, why don't you take a journey to the "egg"-xit!
Stephanie: [As Joey tries to figure out why the machine is stuck...] I'll cover for you, Mr. Egghead. Professor, 'Tomorrow'. [singing] 'The sun will come out tomorrow..!' [...he pounds the top of the metal box, and the boxing glove finally springs forward, hitting her in the face and knocking her down (and almost knocking her out).]
Joey: [as Jesse stands her up] Steph, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
Jesse: Steph, are you okay? [pats her on the cheek] Steph, say somethin'.
Stephanie: [still a little dizzy, but regaining her composure] How...[blinks twice] rude.
[Coming back from break, Joey and Michelle pace around the living room chair while awaiting Stephanie and Jesse's return from the doctor.]
Joey: I sure wish Stephanie would get home from the doctor [looks at his watch and sits down in the chair].
Michelle: Is she getting a lollipop?
Joey: Stephanie will get anything she wants. [And as Jesse enters...] How is she? Where is she? Is she OK?
Jesse: Calm down, Joey. She's gonna be alright. Steph?
[And right on cue, a smiling Stephanie enters with a nose splint (see infobox), and Joey and Michelle's mouths both drop open.]
Stephanie: Don't worry, Joey. It's just a little broken nose.
Jesse: The doctor says the splint will come off in a week, and she'll be as good as new.
Joey: Stephanie, I'm so sorry. Here, I bought you a little something [opens a bag filled with toys and dumps out the contents (even Candy Land is part of the stash)].
Stephanie: Thanks, Joey. I know you didn't mean to break my nose.
Michelle: [to Joey] You broke Stephanie's nose? Go to your room.
Joey you're right I’ve been bad [And he does just that.]
Jesse: [going after Joey] Joey! She's three years old! She has no authority to punish you.
Michelle: [pulls out the Polaroid camera] I'm gonna take a picture. Say 'cheese'.
Stephanie: [which reminds her:] Oh no, I forgot! The class picture's tomorrow! Why me?! [She races upstairs.]
Michelle: You forgot your presents!
Stephanie: I don't want my presents!
Michelle: Ooh, happy birthday to me!
[In the kitchen...]
Joey: Jess, this is terrible. It's bad enough I broke her nose. How do I tell Danny?
Jesse: Oh come on, Joey, it was an accident. Besides, he's your best friend. He'll understand.
Joey: Well, if your best friend broke your daughter's nose, what would you do?
Jesse: I'd kill him.
[In their room...]
Stephanie: There is no way I am going to have my picture taken like this! Last year I was 'Sneeze Burger', this year I'm 'Robo-Nose'!
D.J.: Steph, you know Dad's not gonna let you miss school.
Stephanie: True. [thinks] Ah, but what if I don't ask him? [And speak of...]
Danny: [comes dashing in] Steph. Ah, honey. Are you okay?
Stephanie: Yeah. I'm fine. The doctor says I'll be as good as new in a week.
Danny: Anything at all you need?
Stephanie: Well... I've always wanted a big-screen TV [wiggles her eyebrows].
D.J.: Go for it, Steph!
[In the morning, Stephanie is trying to escape her worst nightmare by sneaking back and staying in her room.]
Stephanie: [when she closes the door and turns around, she sees...] Michelle! What are you doing in here?
Michelle: What are you doing in here?
Stephanie: Is this what you do every time I leave for school, sneak in here and play with my toys?
Stephanie: Michelle, I'm not taking my class picture with this thing [the splint] on my nose. But you can't tell anyone that I'm home. Pinky swear.
Michelle: Pinky swear.
Stephanie: Go downstairs and get me something to eat. And if anyone asks, say 'nobody'. Got it?
Michelle: You got it, dude [with the thumb sign].
[Michelle's in the kitchen making a PB&J with her hands! Joey comes up and sees this.]
Michelle: [with her mouth full] Mmm... I'm a good cook.
Joey: Michelle, you just ate breakfast.
Michelle: It's not for me.
Joey: Then who is it for?
Michelle: 'Nobody'. [And she takes it upstairs to her sister.]
Stephanie: [holds it up at one corner] Michelle, the sandwich is inside out.
Michelle: You're 'posed to say, thank you.
Joey: [coming upstairs] Michelle!
Stephanie: Oh, no, it's Joey! Remember, I'm not here [gets into her closet, just as Joey enters].
Joey: Oh, Michelle, you're gonna make such a mess up here [starts to unroll paper towels.]
Michelle: Too late. [Comet enters the room, sniffs out the sandwich in the closet, and chomps away.] Uh-oh. [As he leaves, with the sandwich still in his mouth...] Hey, you doggy! That's for nobody! [She chases him, as Joey goes and opens the closet door.]
Stephanie: Hi, Joey. I was just testing my new glow-in-the-dark shoelaces.
Joey: Out. [She complies and sits on D.J.'s bed.] Steph, why aren't you in school?
Stephanie: Joey, please don't make me go to school like this! You already broke my nose on TV! Now, I'll be teased for a whole year! What did I ever do to you? All I did was love you.
Joey: Oh, you'll never have to go to school again! [They hug, just as Jesse enters.]
Jesse: Stephanie, what are you doing here?
Stephanie: [happily] Joey says I never have to go to school again!
Joey: Look, Jess. She's way too embarrassed to have her picture taken with her nose like this. We'll write her a note, and Danny will never know.
Stephanie: Works for me.
Jesse: [as he walks her over to the toy box and he sits down on it] Now, Steph, you're only in the second grade once... hopefully. A class picture is something you'll treasure your whole life. If you miss that, you may regret it for the rest of your life. [And while she's willing to take that chance, he's not willing to let her miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.] [sternly] Let me put it another way: You're going to school. [And when she tries to "but" her way out, he cuts her off with his finger.] I don't want any buts! [points to the door] Now go downstairs and wait for me. [And she does so.]
[At the school, Jesse escorts his niece to the classroom, when suddenly...]
Jesse: Joey, what are you doing here?
Joey: Waiting for Steph. Come on. Everybody's waiting to take the class picture.
Stephanie: [whining] Do I have to? I'll look silly.
Joey: You're not gonna look any sillier than the rest of the class [leads her in, and lo and behold, her teacher and classmates all wear Groucho glasses].
Stephanie: [big smile] Alright! Great!
Joey: And I got you a pair, too [which he hands her]. Now go take that picture.
Stephanie: Thanks, Mr. Egghead. Thanks, Professor. [She kisses them both, puts her glasses on, and joins her class.]
Jesse: Joseph, this is one of the stupidest ideas you've ever had... And one of the best. Good job.
Mrs. Hardesty: Okay, everybody, 1, 2, 3, smile. [The picture is taken.] And now, one without the glasses. [Everybody takes their glasses off, except for Stephanie.]
Stephanie: [looks over at Jesse and Joey, and they nod] Ah, what the heck. [takes hers off, and Joey puts a pair on.]
Joey: [as Groucho Marx:] Alright, everyone say the secret word, and of course that word would be 'cheese'.
Kids: Cheese! [The second picture is taken.]
- The fifth of six episodes (and third consecutive) to use the extended theme song, and the second of two to also not have Becky
- Mr. Egghead is a take on Mr. Wizard, the stage name for Don Herbert, who hosted a TV science show (various titles) from the 1950s to 1990
- Stephanie's "Robo-Nose" is a take on the 1987 movie RoboCop and its franchise, and her "Sneeze Burger" is a pun on "cheeseburger"
- "The song "Tomorrow" (the Sun'll Come Out), which Stephanie was singing before she was punched in the face by the springing boxing glove, is from the musical Annie