|Nice Guys Finish First|
|Season 6, episode 9|
|Air date||November 24, 1992|
|Writer(s)||Jamie Tatham & Chuck Tatham|
|Previous||The Play's the Thing|
|Next||I'm Not D.J.|
The episode begins with Danny and D.J. coming home from another driving lesson, as they review what she's done well, and what needs work. Then, Stephanie and Michelle come downstairs arguing about newspaper rumors (see Quotes).
Meanwhile, Joey is scheduled to play in the Bay City Charity Foundation ice hockey game for the Celebrity All-Star hockey team at the Iceoplex on Saturday, but that is still a few days away. On Rush Hour Renegades, Jesse and Joey welcome Hershel Binkley as a guest on the show. Hershel owns Giant Binkley Used Cars, and he will be the goalie for the opposing team that the Celebrity All-Star team will be playing against. There is also something else about Hershel: Joey recognizes him as "Stonewall" (his nickname).
Fifteen years ago, while Joey was in college, he was playing in a championship hockey game, and his team was down by one goal with one minute left in the game. Joey attempted a shot that would have tied the game, but Stonewall stopped the shot from allowing Joey to score. That absolutely humiliated Joey in front of his family and friends, and now Stonewall is looking forward to humiliating Joey again, having history repeat itself, and giving Joey his Waterloo.
As the family sets the table for dinner that night, D.J. and Danny argue again on if she's ready for the freeway, and Stephanie and Michelle argue again about those newspaper rumors (see Quotes). Becky just advises D.J. to avoid rush hour. As they eat, and despite everyone else convincing him otherwise, Joey decides to not play in the game, because he does not want to face Stonewall again. Everyone is shocked at that decision, and Becky says that Joey is not the confrontational type and that everyone has their own way of handling things, and that they should respect him.
The next day, Joey and the family head to the Iceoplex to do some ice skating just for fun, though Jesse, admitting he had not skated since he was a kid, does not fare too well, not even in a game of "crack the whip" (see Quotes), when he goes flying into the wall with a smack that knocks him out cold. Stonewall shows up and harasses Joey by saying that he wants to humiliate him again because he could "live off of that" for another 15 years. As Jesse tries to get up (saying Binkley would be in trouble if he did), and Danny asks Binkley if his life is so pathetic and empty that he has to live in the past (as he still is, apparently), Joey loses his temper. He decides to play in the game, angrily breaking a hockey stick over his knee to demonstrate his point that Binkley is going down and going down hard.
On Saturday (game day), D.J. is excited that Danny is letting her drive to the game on the freeway. Then Steve shows up, and he decides he wants to be there to see her drive on the freeway, too (see Quotes). They kiss (as the studio audience gives an "aw").
Before the game, Becky leaves Kimmy in charge of Nicky and Alex, but not without negotiations (see Quotes). Also, Joey teaches Michelle (complete with inspirational music) about the main aspect of sports: competition (see Quotes), after which they hug (as the music stops).
On the way to the game, D.J. ends up getting a ticket while driving herself, Danny, and Steve; they all mention that the cop who gave her the ticket did not know that she was driving too slow, as she was driving 23 in a 55 mph zone, which was well below the limit.
At the game itself, Becky joins her husband for the play-by-play. Over the first two periods, Joey is not doing well at all, but the game is still tied with four goals apiece. In the third period, after a pep talk with Michelle during the second intermission, he starts playing like he is on fire. As time expires in the third period, Joey gets tripped during a breakaway, and he is given a penalty shot attempt. With the family cheering him on, and Michelle giving him a "thumbs up", what happened 15 years ago does not repeat itself; as this time, Joey makes the game-winning shot, getting even with Stonewall, and giving him his Waterloo. His teammates and his family come down to the rink to celebrate with him, and he hoists Michelle atop his shoulders, as the crowd (and audience) applauds his long-awaited victory (which continues as the EP credits appear).
[In the teaser, D.J. enters what was her and Stephanie's room and has been Stephanie and Michelle's room since last season, just as Stephanie finishes making her bed.]
D.J.: Okay, Steph, where's my sweater?
Stephanie: Good morning to you, too!
D.J.: I want my pink sweater.
Stephanie: What pink sweater?
D.J.: The one you're in love with; the one you've always wanted; the one I heard you talking to Michelle about; the one that's not in my closet.
Stephanie: Oh, that pink sweater. Sorry, haven't seen it.
Michelle: [walks in wearing said sweater, which is way too big for her] Excuse me. Do you think this color looks good on me? [She models it by doing a 360 turn.]
Stephanie: I think someone (D.J.) owes me an apology.
D.J.: I think somebody (Michelle) owes me a sweater.
Michelle: I think someone (herself) better get outta here! [And she does so, as D.J. gives chase.]
[In the kitchen, Danny and D.J. are walking in the back door from a driving lesson.]
D.J.: Well, Dad, thanks for another stimulating driving lesson, around the block for the zillionth time.
Danny: Now, now, Deej, you are becoming quite the little motorist, honey. You really are. You use your mirrors well, your parallel parking is very good, and you always remember to signal.
D.J.: So I'm ready for the freeway?
Danny: No, no, no, no. No way, honey. You haven't mastered U-turns, your yields are shaky, and I'm still not happy with the way you defrost.
[The younger girls come downstairs arguing.]
Michelle: I don't believe you. I'm asking Daddy.
Danny: Asking Daddy what?
Stephanie: Michelle, go ahead, but I told you there is no such thing as a Norwegian goat boy.
Danny: Norwegian goat boy?
Michelle: [shows Danny a newspaper] See the boy with the horns eating the tin cans?
Danny: [takes the newspaper] Steph, I told you to stop wasting your allowance on junk like... [looks at the newspaper] Are those udders?
Michelle: Is the Norwegian goat boy going to come to our house?
Danny: Of course not, honey. If any goat boy's coming to our house, it's going to be the San Francisco goat boy.
Michelle: Oh no! I'm out of here! [She runs off.]
[In the radio studio and on the air...]
Joey: I should point out that Hershel ("Stonewall" Binkley) is the goalie for the team I'll be playing against on Saturday.
Stonewall Binkley: That's right. Joey, it's great to see you again, my friend... You don't remember me, do you? [...] Maybe this will bring something back for you [puts on a mask that looks like a brick wall (shown in the infobox photo).]
Stonewall: That's right. College; state championship: one minute to play; your team's down a goal; you get the puck; comin' into me alone; you fake left; you shoot right. What happened then, Gladstone? [...] Go ahead, tell 'em.
Joey: There's nothing to tell. It happened a long time ago.
Stonewall: What happened was I stopped your shot. We won the state championship and you lost it. I was a hero, you were a bum. I got to tell you, I am looking forward to humiliating you all over again.
Jesse: Ho-ho-ho-hold it, Stonehead.
Jesse: Whatever. Listen, you don't just waltz in here and make fun of my pal. Do you know who you're dealing with? [After both he and Stonewall go at each other's throats, Joey's had enough.] [...]
Joey: Jess, you're not helping. Look, it's just a charity game. Let's just go out there and have a little fun.
Stonewall: Well, if your idea of fun is losing, then you're going to have a great time. Because, Gladstone, you're a loser [gets up to leave].
Jesse: Oh yeah, well you're a jerk.
Stonewall: And you got split ends.
Jesse: [gets up...] Now that's where you've crossed the line [...but Joey stops him from taking a step].
[The family, sans Stephanie and Michelle, is setting the table for dinner.]
D.J.: Dad, you're being so unfair. Kimmy's dad took her out on the freeway.
Danny: And he brought her back?
Becky: Danny, she'll be fine. Just avoid rush hour.
Danny: You're right. Alright, Deej. Set your alarm for 3:00 AM.
D.J.: Great! It's finally time to see what that Taurus can do.
Danny: Deej, wait a second! Let's discuss what the Taurus cannot do.
[Stephanie and Michelle come down the stairs, ready for dinner.]
Stephanie: Michelle, trust me. It's OK.
Michelle: Check near the garbage. See if the goat boy's there.
Danny: Sweetheart. Michelle, come here. We talked about this. I told you there is no goat boy. It's just a person in a costume. It's just like Halloween.
Michelle: You mean he's coming to trick-or-treat?
Stephanie: Dad, let me take a crack at this. Michelle, the goat boy can't get out of Norway because goats can't ride on planes.
Michelle: Why not?
Stephanie: Well, they can never get through the metal detector after eating all those tin cans.
Michelle: Oh. Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?
[As the family enjoys a day of ice skating at the Iceoplex, Joey and the rest skate over to Danny and Jesse.]
Joey: Hey, guys. OK, everybody, it's time for Crack the Whip.
Jesse: Crack the what?
Stephanie: You're not scared, are you?
Joey: Come on, let's go.
Danny: All right, let's go.
Joey: OK, hold hands, everybody.
Danny: Cracking the whip.
[The clan joins together in this order: Joey, Danny, Stephanie, Michelle, Becky, D.J., and Jesse brings up the rear, as he breaks away screaming.]
Becky: Isn't this fun, Jess? Jess?
Jesse: Where are the brakes on these things?! [He crashes into the wall...] Ow. [...and falls over.]
D.J.: I think we might have put a little too much crack in that whip.
Joey: Let's go, you guys.
[The clan skates over to Jesse.]
Jesse: Just tell me one thing. Is my hair messed up?
Michelle: No, but the rest of you is kind of bent.
[At the Tanner residence...]
D.J.: I can't believe you're actually letting me drive to the hockey game on the freeway.
Danny: [blocks the door] And I have total confidence in you, sweetheart. But first, let's just discuss the different lanes once more.
Danny: Now what do you call the far left lane?
D.J.: The Entirely Too Fast Lane.
Danny: Good. See, this isn't so difficult. What do you call the middle lane?
D.J.: The Still Much Too Fast Lane.
Danny: Excellent. And now, what do we call the far right lane?
D.J.: The Geeks and Nerds Lane?
Danny: D.J., if you want, we can go right back out there and just drive around the block.
D.J.: Hey, I'm a geek. I'm a nerd. Give me the keys.
[Danny opens up the door and Steve shows up in the doorway.]
D.J.: Hi, Steve.
Danny: Hey Steve, we gotta go. Could you excuse us for a second? The refrigerator's right where you left it this morning.
Steve: Actually, Mr. Tanner, I know you're finally letting D.J. drive on the freeway, and I wanted to be there for her first merge.
[As the rest of the family heads off to the game, Becky leaves Kimmy in charge of Nicky and Alex.]
Becky: Okay, Kimmy, feed the boys around 3:00, and we should be home around 5:00. Any questions?
Kimmy: Yes. My usual rate is five bucks an hour, but you have twins, so, shouldn't I get $10?
Becky: Okay, Kimmy, I'll give you $10. But you pay for your own food.
Kimmy: (knowing that she would eat more food than that...) Five works for me [smiles]. [...] [When Michelle enters the living room...] So kid, still hiding from the goat boy?
Michelle: There's no such things as goat boys, if you want to know.
Kimmy: Okay, but check this out. [holds up another newspaper] Half man, half dog = Muttman!
Michelle: No! [She hides behind Stephanie.]
Stephanie: [takes the newspaper and reads] He chases cars and drives away in them?
Michelle: What if he drives to our house?
Jesse: Steph, give me that [takes the newspaper]. Michelle, there is no such thing as a half man, half dog.
Joey: [enters the room in his hockey uniform] Grr! I am psyched for this game! I'm going to rip off Binkley's head, chew him up, and spit him out! [He pops in a black mouthpiece and growls.]
Michelle: Aaaahhhh! Muttman! [She runs upstairs.]
Joey: [with the mouth guard still in] What did I say?
Joey: [coming upstairs] Michelle! Hey Comet, have you seen Michelle? [Comet gets up and leads him into the bedroom...] OK, I'm right behind you. [...then reveals that Michelle is under her bed with her bedspread hanging down to keep her hidden.] Michelle, I'm not the Muttman.
Michelle: Yes, you are! I see your paws!
Joey: Michelle, that's Comet. Comet, could we be alone, please? There's a Lassie rerun on. [Comet quickly exits the room.] [kneels down and pulls back the bedspread] Michelle, I'm not a dog. Can you please come out?
Michelle: OK. [She slowly does so, taking care not to hit her head.] But how come you're growling and saying mean things?
Joey: Well Michelle, that's a big part of playing sports. It's called being competitive. You see, you just pretend to be mean and scary so the players on the other team will be afraid of you.
Michelle: Well, you're doing a good job, because I'm afraid. I like it better when you're nice.
Joey: I like it better when I'm nice too. I promise I won't be mean and scary ever again.
Joey: Absolutely. [They hug.] Hey, you know me. I'd never hurt a fly. [imitating Kermit the Frog] You know your old buddy Kermit the Frog? I'd never hurt a fly. I might eat one now and then, but I'd never hurt one. So what do you say? Let's hop to it, Miss Piggy!
Michelle: [imitating Miss Piggy] OK, Kermie, you're my hero!
Joey: [still with the voice of Kermit] That's a good Piggy. Uh-oh, I got a frog in my throat.
- The episode title is a play on the phrase "Nice guys finish last" (which is not really true, but unfortunately a lot of people believe that you have to be mean to get ahead)
- Hershel Binkley's nickname "Stonewall" is a reference to Civil War general Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson
- Becky saying "Do you believe in miracles?" is a reference to the famous quote made by Al Michaels during the "Miracle on Ice" hockey game (1980 Lake Placid Winter Olympics)
- Goof: In the dinner scene, just before the cut to the kitchen, the camera zooms in on the living room window