|No More Mr. Dumb Guy|
|Season 3, episode 13|
|Air date||January 5, 1990|
|Writer(s)||Marc Warren & Dennis Rinsler|
|Previous||Joey & Stacey and...Oh, Yeah, Jesse|
|Next||Misadventures in Babysitting|
In Michelle's room, D.J. and Stephanie are prepping her for a visit to their grandmother's by doing her hair. In fact, they want her to look like a movie star. But when she looks in the mirror, she says that she looks just like herself. So she goes and gets a wig from her little toy wagon and puts it on, and looks in the mirror again, to which she says that she does look like a movie star now. She tells her sisters that they can go see their grandmother now, and they follow, with Stephanie remarking, "Right behind you, Zsa Zsa Gabor."
Cynthia Ryan appears on Wake Up, San Francisco and plugs a well-cultured soiree to kick off the Festival of Cultural Arts, which Becky invites Jesse to accompany her to. However, he declines, because he feels that he would not fit in among her intellectual friends.
Dr. Eric Trent, who was Becky's English professor in college, will be there, and when he visits the house before the party, Jesse becomes jealous, afraid that someone who is more intelligent than he is will sweep Becky off her feet. It falls to Joey to "tutor" Jesse in the fine art of making a good impression. Jesse studies hard so he can go to the party and prove to Becky that he is intelligent enough for her.
Meanwhile, as they prepare for dinner, D.J. and Stephanie teach Michelle how to insult people, turning Michelle into a human "insult machine," and when Danny learns about it, he isn't happy, and wants D.J. and Stephanie to reverse what they did, and teach Michelle how to not insult people.
Before the party, Jesse tries faking having a fever, but Becky won't have it and drags him along. There, he is jealous of Dr. Trent. So much so, he beats him at arm-wrestling (see Quotes)! D.J. and Stephanie later realize that their dad is right, and when Michelle notices that Stephanie isn't laughing after she insults her, D.J. explains that she and Stephanie should not have taught her to say mean things, as they make other people feel bad. Afterwards, they teach her how to say something nice, and even offer to tuck her in bed.
Later that night, Jesse goes to Becky's apartment and serenades her with a song on his guitar. She's impressed by that, but still won't let him kiss her until he apologizes for embarrassing her, which he does. He still feels he isn't the one for her because he wasn't good enough or smart enough for her. She reminds him what being intelligent is really all about (as the inspirational music plays), then share a kiss or two (as the music plays out, the camera zooms out, the audience applauds, and the EP credits appear).
[In the kitchen:]
D.J.: Hey, Joey. What's for dinner?
Joey: [with a French accent] Thin strands of pasta with petite spheres of beef in a light tomato sauce.
D.J. and Stephanie: [disappointed] Spaghetti again?
Michelle: Mmm, basketti.
Joey: No, Michelle, that's spa-ghetti.
Michelle: That what I said, basketti.
Stephanie: [to D.J.] Do you wanna play Michelle-a-phone?
D.J.: What's that?
Stephanie: It's when you whisper something in Michelle's ear and laugh when it comes out of her mouth. Watch. [She whispers into Michelle's ear.]
Michelle: [to D.J.] You got chicken legs.
D.J.: Let me try that. [She whispers into Michelle's ear.]
Michelle: You're a cheesehead. [Stephanie whispers back.] How rude!
[Carrying an abundance of books, Jesse walks in.]
Jesse: Hey, Steph. Hi, Michelle. Hi, D.J. Hi, Joey. Bye, Joey. Bye, D.J. Bye, Michelle. Bye, Steph.
Joey: Uh, girls, I'll be back. You keep an eye on the... 'basketti'.
Jesse: Joey, I got roped into this cultural-party thing this weekend and, you know, I never went to college, so I figured I might as well bone-up so I wouldn't be a bonehead.
Joey: Jess, this is great! I'm very proud of you. Pretty soon, you're going to be smart. [singing and dancing like the Scarecrow, as he takes off his apron] So... you will not be just nothin'! Your heart's all full of stuffin'! Your heart's all full of pain [whistles, as in the song]. With the thoughts, you'll be thinkin' you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain! [He falls on the floor like the Scarecrow, just as Comet enters, and he pets him.]
Jesse: [trying to sound like the Wicked Witch] I'll get you, [pointing to Comet] and your little dog too!
Jesse: [getting dressed for the party] I don't want to look dumb in front of Becky. There's gonna be a room full of champions from Jeopardy!, and I'm from The Price Is Right.
Joey: Relax Jess, I'll help you out. I did more in college then goof off, chase girls, and party; I was in a fraternity too. [...] Well, if people are discussing classic cinema, you say, "Citizen Kane is certainly in a class by itself."
Jesse: Citizen Kane. Oh, I saw that movie. The, uh, fat dude was in it, right?
Joey: Here's a little intellectual hint: Never refer to Mr. Welles (Orsen Welles) as 'the fat dude'.
Jesse: Right, okay. Feeling smarter already. What else you got?
Joey: Shakespeare trivia.
Jesse: All right.
Joey: In all the original stage productions, the women's parts were actually played by men.
Jesse: Oh, you mean like that weird show we saw in Vegas?
Joey: [chuckles] You might want to stay away from Shakespeare.
[Jesse challenges Dr. Trent to arm-wrestling.]
[They start wrestling, as musicians play instruments in the background.]
Danny: Get him, Jesse! Get him! I mean, uh, how incredibly barbaric.
Jesse: [The music irritates him.] Will you knock it off?! [The music stops.]
Eric: You're strong, but you don't know much about the principle of leverage. You see, my arm acts as the lever; my elbow, the fulcrum, Jackie.
Jesse: It's Jesse! [He wins! He then gives Danny a high-five over the victory, but Becky is anything but impressed.] You see that. I beat him.
Becky: Congratulations. You behaved like a total jerk. Excuse me. [She walks away, but he's not letting her get far.]
Jesse: Oh, I'm a jerk.
Becky: Oh, please.
Jesse: Why don't you just admit it? You think I'm stupid, don't you?
Becky: Jesse, that makes absolutely no sense.
Jesse: Oh, so now I make no sense?
Becky: No, now you're being stupid.
Jesse: Well, let me tell you something. You think you're so hot with your little, stuffy friends around here.
Becky: These are nice people.
Jesse: Okay, fine, fine. They're nice people. You stay here with your nice people. But let me tell you something. You stay and you talk about art, you talk about culture, you talk about Shake... Let me tell you something about your pal, Shakespeare. Anybody who makes men dress up like women, that's where I draw the line! [He grabs his jacket, and storms out.]
[In the girls' room...]
D.J.: Okay, Michelle. Let's try it again. Now, tell Stephanie she's a very sweet girl.
Michelle: [to Stephanie] You're a cheese-head. Ha ha ha ha. [Then she notes the obvious...] You're not laughing.
D.J.: We shouldn't have taught you to say mean things because it can hurt other people's feelings. I'll tell you what. Before we go to bed, let's all say something nice to each other. I'll go first. I love you, Michelle.
Michelle: I love you, D.J.
Stephanie: I love you too, Michelle.
Michelle: I love you, Stephie.
D.J.: Oh, that's my sweet, little sister.
[They both kiss Michelle.]
Michelle: I love you, table. I love you, chair.
D.J.: That's really good, Michelle. Why don't you go in your room and tell all your furniture that you love it, and we'll be right there to tuck you in?
Michelle: I love you, door. [enters the hall as Jesse comes upstairs] I love you, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Right back at you, Kid [goes into his room].
Michelle: [follows him in] Uncle Jesse, are you sad?
Jesse: Yeah, I guess I'm a little sad, Kid. [His little Munchkin hugs and kisses him.] Michelle, don't grow up to be stupid like your Uncle Jesse, okay?
Jesse: I want you to be smart and go to college, and learn everything you can possibly learn.
[After serenading Becky with his song outside her apartment, she's impressed with that, but not with what happened tonight.]
Jesse: Oh, Becky. [He walks near her and tries to kiss her.]
Becky: Freeze, Romeo [pushing him away]. About tonight...
Jesse: Was I that bad?
Becky: Jesse, you were arm-wrestling at the Arts Festival! I'm surprised you didn't yell 'Food fight!' and start flinging the pate!
Jesse: I'm sorry I embarrassed you. It's just that it's a whole other side of your life that, that I'm not part of. Tonight, I felt that I wasn't good enough for you. I can't compete with all those smart people.
Becky: It's not a competition.
Jesse: Yes it is. I'm afraid some guy who wrote a book or some guy who read a book's gonna come around and sweep you off your feet. I don't know if I'm smart enough for you.
Becky: How can you say that?
Jesse: Well, you know, I never went to college.
Becky: So what? Jesse, just because you missed out on some formal education doesn't mean you're not intelligent. Look at everything you've accomplished on your own: You're a success in advertising. You wrote a beautiful love song for me in one night that touched my heart. And your smartest move yet was you picked me for your girlfriend.
Jesse: You know, when I was cramming for this party, I, I read a few of those books and they were pretty good, you know. Plato, a nice Greek kid. I think maybe I'll, I'll read some more, and maybe you and I can talk about it.
Becky: Okay. That's great, Jess. Challenge yourself. Enrich your life. But do it for yourself, not for me. You never have to be anyone but the sweet, caring, sensitive lunatic I fell in love with. [They kiss.]
Jesse: Uh, I have no choice. You leave me no choice. Have mercy!
- The episode title is a take on "No More Mr. Nice Guy", probably best known as the title of a hit song by Alice Cooper (1973), but it originated as a phrase that might be said by someone who has decided to stop thinking about the wishes and feelings of other people
- The first of two episodes where someone aside from Stephanie uses her signature phrase "How rude!"
- The song sung by Jesse to Becky ("I Belong To You") in the final scene (in the video above) was written by Jesse Frederick, who co-wrote the Full House theme song