|Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?|
|Season 5, episode 4|
|Air date||October 8, 1991|
|Previous||Take My Sister, Please|
|Next||The King and I|
Jesse takes Michelle down to the basement, and she is surprised to see that her uncle has converted it into a recording studio. While showing off his equipment, he demonstrates by singing a duet with her. She chooses to sing "Respect" – which she calls "the spelling song".
In D.J.'s new room, she shows Kimmy Gibbler a sympathy card that she got from Kathy Santoni, who, on the card, refers to her situation as a "mega-crisis". She makes Kimmy tell her what it is about. She says that Todd Mitchell, one of D.J.'s schoolmates, is spreading a false rumor that D.J. is the worst kisser in school. It is Todd's way of getting even with D.J. for refusing to let him kiss her on the way home from the library.
Later, under the guise of putting laundry away, Danny goes upstairs to D.J.'s room while she is not there, and he finds the card. The term "mega-crisis" causes Danny to be concerned, and he wants to know what this crisis is. At a bowling alley, Danny is spending some time with D.J. when Kimmy shows up and takes her to the mall, where Todd is continuing to spread the rumor.
Meanwhile, Jesse and Joey are no longer in the advertising business because Jesse has decided to concentrate more on his music, and Joey has decided to concentrate more on his comedy. Jesse turns his and Joey's office, which used to be the garage and then Joey's bedroom, into a soundproof recording studio, and after the studio is finished, they accidentally end up locked up in it. They ram the door, allowing the "recording" red light to dim, and them to exit.
Michelle's belongings, from her pencil bed to her Barney the Bear wall hanging, are moved as she goes through the process of taking D.J.'s place as Stephanie's roommate, as Stephanie takes D.J.'s old bed, as well as the desk and chair right next to it. To alleviate the pain, Stephanie invites her into the Big Girls' Club, even going so far as to teach her its short, but simple, song and dance (see Quotes). Stephanie also somehow has to accept the hanging in her room, whether she likes it or not. At first, when she gets Michelle into the club, the condition was that Barney the Bear had to go, but Michelle said that if Mr. Bear stays, Barney stays as well, and Stephanie accepts. However, their remaining baby stuff has to go. However, the new roommate has just one rule to follow: The older sister is the boss of the room.
At home, Danny slips up and mentions "mega-crisis," indicating to D.J. that he had seen the card. A furious D.J. believes that Danny's spying was uncalled for, telling him that he should respect her privacy and goes upstairs and slams her door shut. To which he said that she is not showing him respect. D.J. helps him realize that she is not a little girl anymore, and no longer needs his help with every problem she has. They apologize to each other, and she assures him that if she ever has a problem that she can't handle, she will come to him with it. Danny says that he will be there for her, and they hug. D.J. then explains her "mega-crisis", and that at the mall, she and Kimmy confronted Todd. Kimmy got him in a headlock, and D.J. threatened to squirt him with mustard to force him to tell everyone the truth. Danny is amused by that and D.J. decides the best idea is to go out and get some frozen yogurt. She also mentions that she wants to drive, as she is getting her learner's permit, but he decides to drive, and she can operate the radio.
D.J.: This bad kisser thing could ruin my social life forever. Just how far has this rumor gone?
Kimmy: Hard to say. I heard it from my Algebra teacher.
[In what is now Stephanie and Michelle's room, Stephanie reorganizes and starts moving her stuff over to what was D.J.'s side.]
Stephanie: Living on this side of the room is gonna be so cool. I got the cool window, the cool closet, and the cool mirror to look at my cool self [waves to her reflection].
Michelle: I'm cool too. Look at this [holds up her Barney the Bear wall hanging].
Stephanie: You're not hanging up Barney the Bear in my room.
Michelle: It's my room too.
Stephanie: Yes, it is, and I have the perfect spot to hang Barney. Right inside the closet, where he can hibernate all winter [puts Barney inside her closet].
Michelle: Hey, is this a trick?
Stephanie: Michelle, bubby (see Trivia), baby, would I trick you?
Michelle: Yes, you would and don't call me 'bubby'.
Danny: [walking in] Hi, girls. [Michelle gets Barney back out of the closet.] Steph, did you happen to hear D.J. mention anything that might be bothering her?
Stephanie: Dad, I live with a kindergarten kid now. The only hot rumors I hear are: who put their mouth on the water fountain.
Michelle: Daddy, could you put Barney over my bed?
Danny: Aww, you bet I can, honey. I will tack him up right over here where nobody can miss him. [takes a push pin and using a high-pitched voice (the same one Bob Saget used on America's Funniest Home Videos):] Oh, careful, Danny. Careful, Danny. Careful. Ooooh! Thank you, Danny. That was good!
Michelle: Don't you think Barney looks cool?
Danny: The coolest [leaves the room].
Michelle: I know some tricks too, 'bubby'.
D.J.: Kimmy, we need a plan. We have to get people to stop saying I’m a bad kisser.
Kimmy: I’ve got it. Just make out with every guy in school until they change their minds.
[Back in Stephanie and Michelle's room, as Stephanie continues moving her stuff over to her new side, she is freaking out over Barney the Bear staring at her in the face.]
Stephanie: I can't take it! That thing keeps looking at me!
Michelle: That's because he likes you. [...]
[But at the same time, it seems neither wants to depart with their prized possessions.]
Stephanie: I know this is painful, so I'll get rid of Barney for you [prepares to take it down from the wall].
Michelle: And I'll get rid of Mr. Bear for you [picks it up off her sister's new bed].
Stephanie: [hearing those words] Freeze! [And her sister does so.] Drop the bear. [She does so.] Now, step away slowly. [And again, she does so, then puts her hands up as if she's busted.]
Michelle: You said no toys in the Big Girl's Club.
Stephanie: But Mr. Bear is not a toy. He's a member of the family.
Michelle: So is Barney. He keeps the monsters away.
Stephanie: There are no monsters here.
Michelle: See? He's doing a good job.
Stephanie: [sighs] Okay. The bears stay. [...]
[The girls repeatedly sing and dance the "Big Girl's Club" song – Michelle, enthusiastically and Stephanie, reluctantly.]
Both: 'I'm a big girl. You're a big girl. Yadi yadi yadi yadi yah'.
D.J.: So you really want to know about my 'mega-crisis'?
Danny: Hey, I don’t wanna pry. I’m dying to know [sits down on a footstool while D.J. is sitting on her new bed].
D.J.: Well, see, I got this rep as the worst kisser in the school.
Danny: Oh, thank God [sighs in relief].
D.J.: Dad, that is not a good thing!
Danny: Oh. Right. That’s bad. Right.
D.J.: You see, I never even kissed this guy, but he started spreading this ugly rumor. So, Kimmy and I tracked him down at the mall. Kimmy got him in a headlock, and I threatened him with a squirt bottle of mustard until he told everybody the truth.
Danny: [laughs] Well, he did the right thing. You know, those stubborn mustard stains are murder to get out.
- The episode title is a take on the nursery rhyme/song "Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?" (originally titled "Der Deitcher's Dog")
- The last episode to use the season four intro, as the first three episodes also used it so as to avoid giving away the new room (featuring D.J. typing at her computer)
- The photo of D.J. (seen in the picture at the top of this page – and in the season 4 opening credits) is actually that of Candace Cameron before the series began
- Danny's remark to D.J. of "invading Normandy" is a reference to the World War II event known as D-Day
- Starting with this episode, Stephanie takes D.J.'s old bed, while Michelle's pencil bed is put in place of Stephanie's old bed (though it is unknown what became of it)
- Stephanie calls Michelle "bubby" (also spelled: bubbie, bubbe, bube), a Yiddish word, which although it usually is what Jewish grandchildren call their grandmother, it can also be a name for a loved one
- When Kimmy asks Danny, "Are Wally and the Beave coming too?", she's referring to the brothers on Leave It To Beaver