|Our Very First Night|
|Season 1, episode 2|
|Air date||September 25, 1987|
|Previous||Our Very First Show|
|Next||The First Day of School|
Our Very First Night is episode two of season one, which originally aired on September 25, 1987.
Joey and Jesse attempt to change Michelle's diaper yet again. While they have improved since their previous attempt (in the premiere), when they attempt to dress the infant for bed they fail, leaving Danny to dress his daughter himself (see Quotes).
Stephanie pays a visit to Jesse's room, and is surprised to see the changes he has made to what used to be her room (see Quotes). Joey comes in as the "Sandman Express" and, using a harmonica as a train horn, chugs her all the way to her and her sister's room.
Later, Stephanie and D.J. are put to bed after hearing a "scary fairy tale" that is basically a combination of the girls' favorite characters. The three men have plans for that night. When the guys are all leaving home at one time, Danny explains that there has to be at least one adult in the house to care for the girls, giving his reason that his job actually makes any money. So Jesse is stuck being the "babysitter". While Danny is at work at the TV station and Joey is doing his comedy slot at The Laugh Machine, Jesse decides to have his band practice at the house. Stephanie and D.J. think that Jesse is the easy one to trick, so they try to take advantage of his leniency by lying to Jesse, staying up late with him, ordering a pizza, eating sweets late, partying with the band, and even asking a band member to dye their hair purple as Jesse tells the girls three times to be in bed. Then, Joey comes home from doing his comedy slot and joins in on the fun, leading everyone in a conga line.
When Danny comes home from work, everyone stops what they are doing when they see his shocked face. Although he does pin the blame on D.J. and Stephanie, his focus is on Joey and Jesse. Joey declares his innocence—even though Danny saw him dancing when he walked in (see Trivia). Before D.J. can explain, Jesse cuts her off and takes all the blame.
When they hear Michelle crying, the guys head up to her room, as Danny continues to lecture them about being irresponsibile. He then finds out that she is getting another new tooth, and asks Joey to go get him a teething ring in the freezer to soothe her pain. Joey does not find it but brings something else instead (see Quotes).
When Danny goes to talk to Stephanie and D.J. about how bad Jesse was, he notices empty ice cream bowls and milk cartons under the table in their room. He realizes that it was actually the girls' idea—though he makes the pretense that he thinks Jesse made them eat it all and then hid the evidence under the table, in order to bring out the truth from them (see Quotes). And that it does. The girls refuse to let their uncle be in trouble—especially with the law—because of their lies, so D.J. suggests that they apologize and Stephanie offers Danny a slice of pizza to sway him from punishing them.
After the girls apologize to Jesse for lying to him, Danny sends them off to bed, threatening to sell everything in their room if they do not (see Quotes). Danny then takes Michelle and sings a lullaby to make her sleepy, but when he can't remember the lyrics, so Joey can't help but start another conga (as Jeff Franklin's EP credit appears, and as the camera cuts to the hallway, the audience applauds, and Thomas L. Miller and Robert L. Boyett's EP credits appear).
- Judie Aronson as Raven
- David Wakefield as Pizza Man
[Jesse and Joey try again to change Michelle's diaper.]
Jesse: All right...
Joey: And the diaper is on.
Jesse: Beautiful! 17 minutes. We beat our old record by 37 minutes.
[Danny is dismayed by Joey and Jesse's effort to dress Michelle for bed.]
Danny: Okay, I got the girls in--
Jesse & Joey: [as they show off their efforts] Ta-da!
Danny: Gentlemen, Tarzan, who was raised in the jungle by apes, went to bed in better shape than that baby.
Jesse: Big deal. You're talking about a guy who wore diapers his entire life. [See Trivia.]
Danny: I really appreciate the effort, but I'll take it from here.
Jesse: Oh, yeah, sure, now that all the work is done. Good night, Michelle.
Joey: [in his best "Michelle" voice] Good night, Uncle Jesse. Next time you see me, I'll have a big surprise for you. I don't care how many diapers I have on. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Danny: Give me my kid.
[Joey and Jesse leave the room shaking hands.]
[Stephanie enters what was her room and is now her uncle's.]
Stephanie: What happened to my room?
Jesse: Looks pretty cool, huh? Look at this. I'm hanging Elvis up right here [a King Creole poster over her pink bunny wallpaper].
Stephanie: Over my bunnies?
Jesse: Well, Steph, your bunnies are very uh... pink.
Stephanie: My mom made those bunnies just for me. Don't you like them [with her pouty face]?
Jesse: [rips the poster down] These bunnies. I love these bunnies. I'm sure Elvis had bunnies hanging all over Graceland.
Danny: [enters] Okay, it's riddle time. What has blonde hair, purple pajamas, and is up way past their bedtime?
Stephanie: Uh, Elvis?
[Everyone takes turns telling a bedtime story.]
Stephanie: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. Daddy.
Danny: And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way, she wandered into this cabin… and she fell asleep in Papa Bear's bed.
Stephanie: I don't think so.
Danny: No, wait, honey. It gets better. So... she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden...
Stephanie: [makes a time's-up buzzer sound] Joey.
Joey: Um... when Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty… so she went to a 7-Eleven for a Slurpee, where she ran into Bullwinkle. So Bullwinkle says, 'Hello, Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer, but you can hang your coat on my antlers.' Kids love this stuff. So...
D.J.: [She makes the buzzer sound] Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: So Cinderella and Bullwinkle, they get married, right? They go on The Newlywed Game, and they win a grand prize selected especially for them. Good night.
Stephanie: [buzzer sound again] Daddy.
Danny: Until… the Big Bad Wolf came over. And he said, 'Open up… or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down. And I can do it too, because as we all know… wolves have an amazing lung capacity.'
Stephanie: [buzzer sound] Joey!
D.J.: [buzzer sound] Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: So the wolf, the moose, the babe... They all fell in love, right? They moved to Sweden, where the people are a lot more cool about that sort of thing... and that's the end of the story. Good night and goodbye.
D.J.: No monsters, no witches... but that story was very scary.
[The guys all start to go out the front door for the night, but...]
Danny: [runs to block the other two] Whoa, whoa! Hold it, guys! Red light! Guys, the only way that three adults can leave the house at the same time, is if three children are with them. Two adults can leave. One adult can leave. Three, two or one child can leave with one to three adults, but three adults can never leave with less than three children. Got it?
[Jesse and Joey verbally jab at whose talent is better (see infobox photo).]
Joey: Are you seriously trying to tell me that music is more important than comedy?
Jesse: You got it, pal.
Joey: Two words: Ozzy Osbourne.
Jesse: Two more words: Rip Taylor.
Joey: The Partridge Family.
Jesse: Anyone on Hee Haw.
Joey: Hey, Bozo did some brilliant work.
Jesse: Oh, yeah. Right, right. The early Bozo was real good. I'm sorry.
Joey: Okay. We'll settle this the only truly fair way. Ready? Go! [They make a dash for the door, and Joey (who had the advantage) is outside first. As Danny grabs Jesse by his jacket (so he doesn't hurt Joey), Joey sticks his hand back in and uses it like a mouth:] Once again, comedy kicks music's butt.
[After Joey and Danny leave, D.J. and Stephanie come downstairs and walk past Jesse undetected.]
D.J. & Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse [as they go into the kitchen].
Jesse: Hi, girls. Girls, hey girls! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Girls, girls! Aren't you supposed to be in bed, dreaming about Tweety Bird, or Big Bird, or Larry Bird or something?
D.J.: Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry, Dad always makes sure we have a late-night snack.
Stephanie: We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.
D.J.: And cookies.
Jesse: Freeze, chick. All right. I know. I'm pretty hip, here. You guys think I'm a, I'm an idiot or something? [The girls look at each other and Stephanie makes a face.] Let me tell you something. I know what's going on here. Your dad's gone, and it's 'let's take advantage of the babysitter' time. Well, I got news for you, girls. Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kind of ride. Now you guys can have ice cream and chocolate milk. No cookies.
D.J.: [covers Stephanie's mouth] Okay.
[In D.J. and Stephanie's room, their little table has messy ice cream and chocolate milk cartons all over it. Stephanie is jumping the rope that D.J. turns, tied to her bed.]
Stephanie: [singing] Z, my name is Zippy And my husband's name is Zorro. We come from San Francisco With a carload of zebras. A, my name is Alice--
D.J.: That's enough jump rope. Let's do the hand-jive.
Stephanie: Okay, but I can't stop jumping. I may never sleep again. [D.J. is able to stop her from jumping.] Thanks.
D.J.: Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?
Stephanie: Does pep mean you can't blink?
D.J.: That's pep. [hearing music from downstairs] Party time.
[The girls run to the top of the stairs, overlooking Jesse and the band in the living room.]
Stephanie: Do you guys know Bangles stuff? [They come downstairs.]
Jesse: Whoa, whoa, girls! You're supposed to be in bed! What would your dad say about this? [...]
[The doorbell rings.]
D.J.: Oh, that's for me.
D.J.: Oh, I guess my dad forgot to tell you about our 11:00 pizza. [opens the door] Hi. How much?
Pizza Man: $11.50.
D.J.: [to Stephanie] Did the cheese slide off or stick to the box?
Stephanie: [opens the box] Nope.
D.J.: [hands him the money] Keep it (the change).
Pizza Man: [looks up] Hey, do you mind if I check out the band?
D.J.: Come on in. Open party.
Jesse: All right, girls. Listen here, now. It's almost midnight. You guys listen to two, three songs max. You eat your pie, then straight to bed, no nonsense.
Stephanie: Boy, are you strict.
[The band returns to rehearsing.]
Joey: [About 15 minutes later, he comes home and...] Conga! [leads the pizza guy and Raven in the dance... until he sees Danny come through the door, who is not happy with what he sees, and Joey looks at Jesse] Boy, are you gonna get it.
Danny: Attention, Solid Gold farm team! It's 12:15 [to D.J.] and your hair is purple. [to Stephanie as he picks her up from on top of the amp] Get down ...and I don't mean 'get funky'. [See Trivia.]
[The girls are getting ready for bed.]
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse's the best babysitter we ever had.
D.J.: Yeah, but I think he's in big trouble. [They then hear a knock, and know that it's their dad.] Get into bed. [They both jump into D.J.'s bed.] No, no. Your bed! [Stephanie does so, as D.J. runs and hits the light switch. Then they pretend to be asleep, with D.J. even fake snoring.]
Danny: [opens their door and turns the lights on] Girls? Are you awake?
D.J.: Dad, is that you?
Stephanie: Is it morning?
Danny: D.J., Stephanie, please come over here right now. Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.
D.J.: Oh, no, Dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.
Danny: I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. [looking under the table] What is this? Uh-oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons. [sarcastically] Oh, now I see what happened. Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats – and then he hid the evidence under your table. Oh, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?
Danny: No 'probably' about it, because otherwise, you'd be lying. And you know better than that, don't you?
Danny: Well, that does it. I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was a big mistake. In fact, this may be a matter for the police. Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.
[The girls head over to Jesse's room.]
D.J.: Uncle Jesse?
Jesse: Whatever it is, the answer's no.
D.J.: We just wanted to say thanks for trying to keep us out of trouble. The only reason we took advantage of you was because you had no idea what you were doing.
Stephanie: From now on, we'll be good and do whatever you say.
D.J.: Steph, don't get crazy. [to Jesse] We'll try to do better.
Stephanie: You can cover up my bunnies if you want.
Jesse: That's all right. Your bunnies are growing on me.
Stephanie: We really love you.
Jesse: Well, I love you girls, too. But next time you pull that stuff on me ... I'm still gonna love you.
Danny: Okay now, either you girls go to bed for real or I'm taking everything out of your room and turning it into a 24-hour mini-mart.
D.J.: Good night, everybody.
Stephanie: Good night, Daddy. Good night, Michelle. Good night, Uncle Jesse.
Danny: [to Stephanie] Good night, honey. [to Jesse] Hi.
Danny: Want a piece of pizza?
Joey: Well, I couldn't find Michelle's teething ring, so I got the next best thing: an ice cold carrot. [Danny and Jesse frown at him.] What? I could've brought the fish sticks, but you guys would've thought I was an idiot.
Danny: [while holding and swaying Michelle, starts to sing Brahms' Lullaby] 'Lullaby and good night' – and there's more words I'm not sure of...
Joey: Conga! [And the guys do just that, as they carry Michelle to her room.]
- The first episode after moving to Friday nights
- The second (and consecutive) time that Danny lectures the guys about their parenting skills (after accusing them of "losing" D.J. last time)
- The only time the girls together lie to, and take advantage of, Uncle Jesse
- Jesse says that Tarzan "wore diapers his entire life", which is not true; he wore a loincloth when he lived in the jungle
- Songs played by the band:
- When Stephanie is standing on a guitar amplifier, Danny tells her, "Get down! And I don't mean 'Get funky'", is a reference to the phrase "Get down and get funky", used in the disco era (late 1970s to early 1980s)
- "My name is Joey, and I'm a conga-holic" is a take on "My name is __ and I'm an alcoholic", which is what's said at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings
- A promo for this episode (along with the series premiere of I Married Dora and the season premiere of Max Headroom) aired, calling it the "series premiere" (3 days after the first episode aired as a "special preview")
- For this episode's end credits only, the third image is the back shot of D.J. and Stephanie fishing with Danny at Fisherman's Wharf (the second is always the front shot), as the camera zooms out
- In the Nick@Nite version, the scene where D.J. and Stephanie ask Danny if he wants pizza was omitted
- Dave Coulier is credited as David Coulier for this episode