|Our Very First Promo|
|Season 1, episode 12|
|Air date||December 18, 1987|
|Writer(s)||Arthur Silver & Lenny Ripps|
|Previous||The Big Three-O|
The station where Danny works is filming promos showing the members of the news team at home, in an attempt to improve its ratings, which means a camera crew will be coming to the Tanner house. Everything seems to be in place when a woman named Ronnie shows up at the house to direct it. Danny is perplexed when her methods include using a large poodle, dressing Jesse up as an English butler, having D.J. and Stephanie dressed as perfect French girls, replacing baby Michelle with an unknown girl, and completely removing Joey from the picture. So, Danny needs to tell Ronnie off and show the viewers the real Tanner family, by directing the ad himself, and Jesse decides that she should be behind-the-scenes by holding the cue cards (which elicits applause from the studio audience) (see Quotes).
Later, the family watches the promo for themselves, and even Kimmy comes by to watch it. The end result elicits applause from the family (as well as the audience). Joey jokes that a poodle would have been a good choice to be used. D.J. asks about the usual allowance raise, and Danny decides they should wait until they get letters about it. Stephanie bets that they will get 18 the next day and D.J. calls her sister out for it. In the meantime, Danny treats everyone to ice cream for a job well done.
As all this is going on, Jesse and Joey try hard to locate the source of some strange animal noises in the house, which turns out to be a ferret, mistaken for monsters by Stephanie; however, D.J., being exactly twice Stephanie's age (10 to Stephanie's 5), assures her there are no monsters, not even in the closet or under either or both their beds. Jesse and Joey locate the ferret, and babble about what to do with it and even to assure the girls that there are no monsters. They sing "Born Free" as they walk into the kitchen with the ferret to join the family for the ice cream (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[In the garage, D.J. and Kimmy are having a chat just before Kimmy is about to go home.]
D.J.: So, Kimmy, wanna stay for dinner?
Kimmy: Maybe. What are you having?
D.J.: Joey's cooking, so I'm not really sure. It's something in an earth tone.
Kimmy: Pass. But if my dog Sinbad is hungry, I'll send him over.
Stephanie: [upon hearing this] Don't do that, I love Sinbad!
D.J.: Stephanie, why are you following us?
Stephanie: Because you keep leaving me.
D.J.: Steph, I know you're only 5, and you have no life of your own, but Kimmy and I are talking woman-to-woman.
Stephanie: I'm a woman. I'm a little woman, but I'm a woman.
D.J.: Steph, when Kimmy leaves, you and I can have a nice sister-to-sister talk... unless I get a phone call.
Stephanie: You're so good to me. [She hears something.] Did you guys hear that noise? It sounded like a monster.
D.J.: Steph, you're always making up monster noises. There's nothing to worry about.
Kimmy: Although, you do look like that kid in Poltergeist, who got sucked up in the TV and said [in sing-song] 'They're ba-ack.'
Stephanie: Real funny.
Ronnie: I'm Ronnie. It's short for Veronica.
D.J.: I'm D.J. It's short for Donna Jo.
Stephanie: And I'm Stephanie... I'm just short.
[Ronnie tries her best to direct the ad, but Danny doesn't think her best is good enough... at least for him.]
Ronnie: I don't think you understand. Television news is a very competitive market. You gotta do something different. You gotta make a noise, make a splash!
Danny: I think you splashed down from another planet! Wait. I'm getting a vision. I'm seeing a loving family. I'm seeing friends who will do anything to help each other. You know what I'm seeing? I'm seeing my children playing the part of my children.
Joey: Nice. Sweet.
Jesse: Not insane!
Ronnie: It's been done.
Danny: Yeah, but not by us! Hey, I'm proud of who we are. And unless you wanna show people the real Tanner family, I'm just gonna have to direct this thing myself.
Ronnie: Well, if you're gonna direct, what am I gonna do?
Jesse: Oh, it's quite simple, Ronnie. You will hold the cue cards!
This episode chronologically takes place before "Joey's Place".
Danny calls Jesse "Mr. French", to which Jesse calls him "Uncle Bill" and the girls: "Buffy" and "Jody". These are all character names from the sit-com Family Affair (1966–1971) (although Jody was a boy).