|Stephanie Plays the Field|
|Season 4, episode 22|
|Air date||March 8, 1991|
|Previous||The Hole-in-the-Wall Gang|
|Next||Joey Goes Hollywood|
In the kitchen, while Michelle is having fun with her coloring book, Danny has returned home from a trip at the supermarket and asks her to help put away the groceries. She hides one of them under her shirt and tells Danny they're all put up. Unfortunately, he has his shopping list, and could've sworn that he bought a package of chocolate chip cookies (in particular, Chips Ahoy! Selections), and he reminds his "Little Princess" that she knows better than to have cookies before dinner, and asks her if she knows where they could've gone. She asks if they're "Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip" as described on the label, and he says they are. They both have a hunch that the "Cookie Monster" took them, but surprise surprise, the only "Cookie Monster" who could've taken them was Michelle. She knows she's busted, but he still has a little fun with her anyway, also reminding her it's just as wrong to hide cookies under her clothing as it is to have them before dinner.
Danny is the head coach of the Giants, a local little league baseball team. Stephanie has fallen for Brett Davis, a star player from a rival team called the Cubs. That makes Stephanie want to join the Giants, and her surprisingly good pitching makes it easy for her to become a member of the team. However, getting Brett to like her seems to be even harder than playing against him, so she and D.J. head upstairs to their room to have a talk about this (see Quotes).
But 4-year-old Michelle does not seem to understand why they want to be alone with the door locked. When she asks to play with Jesse, he says they played in her room, and she wants to play in their room. However, he plays a quick game of "airplane", and flies her out the door (see Quotes).
Then, Michelle storms over to Joey's room. After a brief chat, she takes him to the attic. Too mad to explain, she has him do it for her. Becky decides they can set aside some special time to be with her. Then, Joey has his own words turned against him! He and Michelle depart, and Jesse re-locks the door (see Quotes).
Outside, Danny, Stephanie, and Rusty (her teammate) are practicing a few catches, when Danny brings up Stephanie wanting to try out. She proves that she can throw (see Quotes), and Danny decides to let her pitch for the Giants in the upcoming game against the Cubs.
The next day is game day, and everyone is excited, as is Michelle, who Danny picked to be "batboy" (see Quotes). Then, D.J. informs Stephanie about Brett's arrival. He shows her his baseball bat, which has "ST" with a heart drawn around it on the hitting end. He also asks her to take it easy when pitching to him because he does not want to strike out in front of his family. After he leaves, Danny tells her not to be nervous and to do her best in the game (see Quotes).
At the game, the whole family is there, including Joey, who is covering the play-by-play. After Brett hits a home run off of Stephanie, she can't bring herself to throw the rest of the game for Brett.
In the top of the fifth inning, with a runner on 3rd and the score tied at 1 all, Stephanie comes up to bat. But even with a hit, she's out at 1st. Jesse causes a scene, and Becky and Danny are not happy about it or him (see Quotes).
In the bottom of the sixth, the score is 2–1 in favor of the Giants. With runners on 2nd and 3rd and two outs, coming up to bat is Brett. She throws the first two strikes, and he shows the "ST" heart on his bat, thus leading her to call a timeout.
That timeout is a pep talk from D.J., where she must decide whether she wants to end up being the hero or the goat for her team (see Quotes). Heeding every word of her sister's advice, she strikes him out for the third and final out of the inning, thus making her the game's hero, as Brett can only throw down his batting helmet in frustration. Final score: Giants 2, Cubs 1.
Later that day, as she sits outside on the porch petting Comet, Brett comes by to see Stephanie. He understands why she struck him out and admits that he should not have asked her to go easy on him at the game. She decides to take him inside to watch sports, but as she goes in, Comet barks. She replies to him that she was just kidding on her comment to him (as the studio audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[Stephanie, D.J., and a boy walk into the kitchen.]
[Stephanie closes the door on D.J., right in front of her face.]
D.J.: Hey! [She opens the door and walks in.]
Stephanie: Oh, sorry, Deej. I didn't see you.
D.J.: I've been following you for three blocks. How come you didn't say 'hi'?
Stephanie: I did.
D.J.: This... [waves her hand in a shooing motion] is not saying 'hi'.
Danny: Steph, I see we have company. Aren't you going to introduce us?
Stephanie: Oh, sorry, Dad. [dreamily] This is my Brett. [snaps out of it and back to reality] I mean, my friend Brett.
Danny: Hi, I'm her dad.
Brett: Nice to meet you.
Danny: Nice to meet you, too.
[D.J. and Stephanie continue their chat once they enter their room.]
Stephanie: Boys would always chase me and I never really cared, but whenever I'm with him, my heart goes 'Brett-Brett, Brett-Brett'. How do I get him to be my boyfriend? What do I do? What do I say? What should I wear? Maybe I should change my hair color.
D.J.: Steph, get a grip. All you need to do is hang out together. What do you both like?
Stephanie: Well, we both like the pork and beans in the cafeteria. And we both like to pick out that cube of fat that's always in it.
D.J.: There's a love connection. Now, keep thinking. What else does he like?
Stephanie: Brett loves baseball.
D.J.: Well, you're good in sports. Why don't you try out for Little League? You know you can be on Dad's team.
Stephanie: Brett and I could talk about baseball all day! Deej, you're a genius.
D.J.: Of course, I'm an experienced woman.
Stephanie: It's amazing that a woman with your experience doesn't have a boyfriend.
D.J.: Well, I'm playing hard to get.
Stephanie: Oh, well, you're doing a really good job.
[Jesse and Becky enter their new home.]
Becky: Oh, Jess, our first night in our new apartment. You know, honey, you did a really terrific job with the attic.
Jesse: Thank you. Wait a minute. You haven't seen my pièce de résistance (masterpiece, showpiece) [He points a remote control at the wall, and a Murphy bed comes down. ... They kiss as Michelle walks in.]
Michelle: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Katsopolis.
Jesse: [sarcastically] Oh goodie, Michelle's here [hits the remote again, and the bed goes back up into the wall].
Michelle: It's time to play.
Jesse: Michelle, we already played down in your room.
Michelle: Now we can play in your room.
Becky: [chuckles] Michelle, uh, your uncle Jesse and I, well, we'd sort of like to be alone.
Michelle: [looks around the room] We are alone, silly.
Jesse: Alright, Michelle. You want to play a game? Let's play 'airplane', OK?
Jesse: Alright! We've been cleared for takeoff. [picks her up above his head] And she's up, and here we go. There's no peanuts, there's no movies, but there's plenty of room for landing outside the door! [as he sets her down on the other side of the door] Thanks for flying Air Katsopolis. Have a nice day [shuts and locks the door and turns his attention back to his wife] Now... where were we? [They start to kiss.]
Michelle: [outside the locked door, jiggling the doorknob] Hey, you locked me out!
Jesse: Good night, Michelle! We'll see ya in the morning.
Michelle: Fine! I'm leaving!... But you're going to miss me!
[Michelle goes to Joey in hopes he would help her out.]
Michelle: Uncle Jesse locked me out!
Joey: Now, why would Uncle Jesse do something like that?
Michelle: I don't know. I'm a fun girl.
Joey: Well, I'm just guessing, Michelle, but I think Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky just want some privacy.
Michelle: What is privacy?
Joey: Well, privacy means that they just want to spend some time together, just the two of them.
Michelle: What are they doing in there?
Joey: Well, they're, uh... they're doing their taxes.
Michelle: Are they going to do their taxes every night?
Joey: For the first couple of months.
[Michelle has just had a not-so-pleasant chat with Joey about her aunt and uncle, so both of them head over to the new room.]
Joey: Jess, Michelle has a big problem. [He sets Michelle down.]
Jesse: Yes, Michelle? What's your problem?
Michelle: You tell him, Joey! I'm too mad!
Joey: Well, Michelle thinks you don't have time to spend with her anymore.
Michelle: I'm madder than that!
Joey: [to Michelle] Oh, sorry. [angrily to Jesse] Have you no decency?! (see Trivia) All this sweet little girl wants to do is spend some time with her aunt and uncle who she loves. Is that too much to ask? I think not.
Michelle: [calmer] Much better.
Jesse: Michelle, now, your aunt Becky and I love you very, very, very much. We're sorry if we hurt your feelings, but we need to spend some time alone.
Becky: Michelle, I have an idea. How about if the three of us set aside some special time every day for you to come up here and play?
Michelle: I like that.
Becky: All right, it's a deal.
Michelle: OK, Joey. Let's go play.
Joey: I can't, Michelle. I have to do my taxes.
Jesse: Have you no decency?! All this sweet little girl wants to do is hang out with her pal Joey who she loves very much. Is that too much to ask? I think not!
[Joey and Michelle walk out as Jesse locks the door behind them and returns to Becky.]
[Danny, Stephanie, and Rusty are practicing outside in the backyard.]
Danny: Steph, honey, I know you like hanging out with your dad, but do you really want to try out for Little League?
Stephanie: Dad, I've done some serious thinking and I've decided that baseball is my life.
Rusty: You just like baseball because Brett likes baseball. I bet you can't even throw.
Stephanie: I can too! [She fires a pitch into Rusty's glove, which causes some pain in his hand.]
Rusty: Ow! Whoa, this babe's got an arm!
Danny: Hey, my daughter is not a 'babe'. But she does have an arm. Steph, let's try something here. Rusty, come here. Give me the ball, son. Grab yourself a bat, and I want you to stand in there. Steph, I want to wind up really hard and pitch one into me right now. [He positions himself behind Rusty, assuming the catcher's position, as Stephanie winds up and delivers another fireball into his glove. Rusty doesn't even bother to swing.]
Rusty: Whoa! Did you see that ball curve?
Danny: I sure did. Steph, how would you like to pitch for the Giants?
Stephanie: Great! Thanks, Dad.
Danny: Now what are we going to call that pitch of yours?
Rusty: The Tanner Twister. This Saturday, we're going to kill the Cubs.
Stephanie: Yeah, we're going to destroy them. We're going to cream them. We are going to make the Cubs eat dust! I love being a jock.
[Saturday morning: Joey is fixing breakfast as Danny and Stephanie are getting geared up for the game.]
Joey: Come on down, everybody! Breakfast is ready!
Danny: Michelle is so excited. I told her she could be bat boy at the game today. [And she comes downstairs to the kitchen wearing a Batman costume.]
Michelle: Daddy, I’m here.
Danny: [laughs] Michelle, you’re not fighting crime. You’re handing out baseball bats.
Michelle: Aw, nuts! Can I still wear the cape?
Danny: Sure, sweetheart.
D.J.: [enters from the living room] Stephanie, guess who's here to see you.
D.J.: [patting her chest] Brett-Brett, Brett-Brett, Brett-Brett.
Stephanie: D.J., puh-lease.
[After Brett leaves following a brief chat with Stephanie, Danny walks into the living room.]
Danny: So Steph, what did Brett want?
Stephanie: Oh, he just came by to wish me good luck.
Danny: Come on, honey. Let's eat. Star pitchers need their energy.
Stephanie: Dad, what would happen today if, say, I didn't pitch too well? Like if I gave up a couple home runs or something?
Danny: Steph, I don't want to put any pressure on yourself. All that matters is that with every pitch you throw, you're doing the best you can, OK?
[He kisses her and she gives out a heavy sigh.]
[Stephanie comes up to bat.]
Michelle: Take the blue one. It's prettier.
Stephanie: Thank you, bat girl.
Michelle: Just doing my job.
[Jesse's not happy with the ump's call after Stephanie gets tagged.]
Jesse: She was safe by a mile! Who's paying you to throw this game? You got a kid on the team? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Becky: Jess, don't make a scene.
Jesse: Danny, do something. That was the worst call I have ever seen in my life!
Danny: Jess, I was standing right there. She was out.
Jesse: Oh. Then why don't you get us better seats? I can't see a thing from where we're at.
Becky: Stay in your seat, and I'll buy you a snow cone.
Jesse: I like cherry.
Joey: Once again, a reminder. Family members are prohibited from coming onto the field and embarrassing themselves and their loved ones. [And he gets smacked upside the head by Jesse for that remark.]
[Stephanie calls for a time-out to chat with her sister (see infobox photo).]
D.J.: What is it? This is embarrassing.
Stephanie: I'm in trouble. Brett wants me to throw him an easy one so he can get a hit.
D.J.: Oh, I get it. If you strike him out, you might lose a boyfriend. But if you let him get a hit, you'll be letting your whole team down. Tough one. Well, good luck! [She starts to head back to her seat, but her sister wants the situation clarified.]
Stephanie: D.J., wait. What do I do?
D.J.: Well, you have to decide what's more important, self-respect or true love.
Stephanie: [glancing over at Brett, who returns the favor] This would be a lot easier if he wasn't such a babe.
[D.J. looks over at Brett and then heads back to the bleachers.]
Michelle: Play ball!
Joey: All right, folks. We're finally ready for the moment of truth. One more strike and the Giants win. But if Brett gets a hit, the Cubs could win. What a nail-biter! [to the vendor behind him] Hey, nachos, over here. Bring whatever's left.
Mr. Davis: Come on, Brett! You can do it!
Danny: Come on, Steph. Strike him out!
[Stephanie throws the final fateful pitch (in slow-motion)... and it's a swing and a miss!]
Umpire: Strike three!
Joey: She struck him out! The Giants win the game! The Giants win the game! [to the vendor regarding the food] Can I get this stuff to go? Yeah!
[Jesse, Becky, D.J., Danny, and Michelle all run out to the field to hug and congratulate Stephanie, as does her team. Jesse lifts Stephanie up on his shoulders as Brett throws down his batting helmet in disappointment.]
Michelle: We're #1! We're #1! We're #1!
[As Michelle continues chanting, Stephanie looks over at Brett in concern over what she just did, despite what her team just did.]
[In the backyard, after the game...]
Stephanie: Comet, the next time you see me liking a boy, talk me out of it.
[Brett stops by.]
Brett: Hi, Steph.
Stephanie: Brett, what are you doing here?
Brett: I kind of forgot to say, 'nice game'.
Stephanie: Thanks. I'm sorry for striking you out, but the team was counting on me.
Brett: I understand. If I were you I would have struck me out too.
Stephanie: Really? You're not mad at me?
Brett: No. I'm lucky you're not mad at me. I should never have asked my girlfriend to cheat for me.
Stephanie: I'm still your girlfriend? All right! I mean, that's cool. So what do you want to do now?
Brett: I don't know. Do you want to go inside and watch the 'Sports Channel'?
Stephanie: Sounds good to me.
[Stephanie and Brett head inside, as Comet barks.]
Stephanie: Comet, about me not liking boys anymore, I was just kidding.
- The Giants are the Major League Baseball team in San Francisco
- D.J.'s soda can of "Fountain Do" is an obvious take-off on Mountain Dew
- Joey saying, "Have you no decency?" may be a take on the quote directed to Senator Joseph McCarthy at the Army hearings against him: "At long last, have you no sense of decency, sir?"