|The Heartbreak Kid|
|Season 6, episode 16|
|Air date||February 9, 1993|
|Previous||Be True to Your Preschool|
|Next||Silence is Not Golden|
Upstairs in Stephanie and Michelle's room, Michelle and Denise are figuring out what to play next. Denise decides they jump on the bed, but Michelle says Danny wouldn't like that, so they play "house"; Denise suggesting Michelle be the dad and Michelle suggesting Denise be the kid...in an attempt to get them to jump on the bed, but Michelle reiterates her point. However, since she likes Denise so much, they ultimately decide to jump on the bed.
For Valentine's Day, D.J., Steve, and Kimmy make Valentine cards and also bake cookies for their bake sale (see Quotes). At the same time, Michelle has fallen head over heels for Steve, and she decides that she wants to marry him.
Elsewhere, Jesse buys a laptop computer, and is reluctant to accept any help from anyone until Nicky and Alex delete his report from the computer without knowing what it is, and when he asks for Stephanie’s help, she recovers her uncle’s report as his computer has a backup system.
Meanwhile, Danny and Joey are cleaning Joey’s closet when Danny discovers a picture of Barbara Ann Varanelli, a girl Danny dated while he and Joey were in high school 20 years earlier, and until now, he never knew that she had started dating Joey after she stopped dating him. Danny wants to know if Joey stole Barbara Ann from him 20 years earlier, so he tracks down her phone number and calls Barbara Ann, who explains that the only reason why she ever dated Danny and Joey was to make Jesse jealous.
Later, everyone thinks that Michelle is just playing, so they throw a pretend wedding for her and Steve (including a bunch of stuffed animals as "guests"). But she feels hurt when she discovers that it is not a real wedding, and this makes her storm off in anger and heartbreak (hence the episode's title), leaving everyone in the living room shocked and speechless, and in more ways than one (as the audience groans about it). Despite Becky telling Michelle that if she does truly get married that she has to move out and not share Stephanie's room anymore (which actually elates Stephanie, see Quotes), and despite Michelle's pointing out that Jesse has not moved out despite him and Becky being married (and that most likely means permanently as Jesse's and Becky's move-out in "Fuller House" was only temporarily, see Quotes), everyone finally realizes that the way Michelle truly feels about Steve is not something to play around with.
Upstairs in Michelle and Stephanie's room, as they sit on her bed (as the inspirational music plays), Danny talks to his depressed and distraught daughter and admits that sometimes adults forget that kids do have feelings. He goes on to explain that someday she will have a boyfriend of her own and when she grows up, will also get married for real.
D.J. and Steve enter the room (as the music stops), and Steve apologizes for making Michelle feel hurt. Michelle cheers up a little bit and accepts the apology, and she and Steve are friends again as she finally accepts the reality and understands that D.J. is the girl Steve loves (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
Danny: Hey, Deej, how’d your bake sale go?
D.J: Oh, it was great. Our class raised over fifty dollars. Of course, thirty-five of that was from Steve.
Steve: Yeah, and now I’m broke ‛cause I didn’t see that stupid sign: “You eat it, you bought it”.
Jesse: Steph, you brought my report back! That’s amazing! How’d you do that?
Stephanie: Simple; the automated backup system saves your document every 10 minutes.
Jesse: Stephanie, you’re a genius.
Stephanie: Well, I wouldn’t say that, but you’re more than welcome to.
Jesse: Steph, Nicky and Alex got into my computer and erased my entire paper! You gotta help me.
Stephanie: All right, everybody, step back. I’m gonna need plenty of hot water.
Joey: To fix a computer?
Stephanie: No, I just want some hot chocolate. [laughs a little]
[At the "wedding"...]
Danny: Michelle, you realize this was just a pretend wedding, don't you?
Michelle: No, Daddy. It was a real one.
Jesse: Well, I think we, uh-I think we might have a problem here.
Becky: Uh, see, Michelle, if you were really married to Steve, then you wouldn't be able to live in the same room with Stephanie anymore.
Jesse: That's right.
[Danny also nods in agreement.]
Stephanie: [elated] My own room? I'm sure you two will be very happy. [D.J. slaps her on the shoulder.]
Joey: Michelle, uh, what we mean is, after you get married, you move away from your family. Is that what you really want?
Michelle: Uncle Jesse didn’t move away.
Joey: [shot down] Yeah, good point.
[after being 'rejected' by Steve]
Michelle: That was mean. Really mean. [She throws down her bouquet in disgust and runs away.]
As of this episode, all three of the girls have been "married". The first being in "Middle Age Crazy", when Stephanie "marries" Harry, and the second being in "Greek Week", when D.J. walks around the table three times with Sylvio (a Greek wedding).
The episode title alludes to a 1972 romantic comedy film based on a play by Neil Simon. (It was remade in 2007.)