|The I.Q. Man|
|Season 4, episode 3|
|Air date||October 5, 1990|
|Writer(s)||Dennis Rinsler & Marc Warren|
|Previous||Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor|
Jesse and Joey have prepared a commercial for a cologne company. The client, Ms. Garland, wants Jesse to play the main role in the commercial. Ms. Garland, who finds Jesse attractive, demands that he wear a lot less than he is willing to wear in the commercial, and when Mr. Malatesta tells Jesse that he has no choice but to do what Ms. Garland says, Jesse and Joey decide to stop working for him, with Joey using a list of McDonald's products in his lecture to Mr. Malatesta (see Quotes).
Meanwhile, the cure may turn out to be infinitely worse than the disease when Michelle plays nurse for Stephanie, who is confined to bed with a bad cold. Michelle uses creative but bizarre ways to make Stephanie's "remedies" (see Quotes).
But later, when Michelle picks it up, Stephanie turns the tables on her, especially after she uses Stephanie's paper for a tissue after sneezing (see Quotes).
On career day at D.J.'s school, after Danny is chosen (with Becky) as a replacement for Connie Chung, the family encourages Jesse and Joey (as the day's "special guests") to continue to work together in the advertising business, but without Mr. Malatesta. Jesse tries to get a business loan but is turned down, and even Joey is shocked. But when Jesse explains they have no experience running their own business or collateral or credit rating, Joey says that just because Jesse's cranky and unemployed doesn't mean he can take his anger out on him (see Quotes).
When Danny hears about this, he thinks that singing "The Impossible Dream (The Quest)" will solve Jesse's problem, but of course, it doesn't. So, after humming the song and showing a personal check in his name, he offers them a loan and to be a silent partner, and they agree. Danny says that their name is Double J & D Creative Services, but adds that the "D" is silent. He reminds them that the check is an investment, and not a gift. They all hum the theme (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
In the teaser: Michelle, in her room, is "reading" (pretending) to Comet.
- Michelle: And then the princess said all these words. The end.
- Danny: [from the hall] Michelle!
- Michelle: Daddy's coming! No barking!
- [Comet barks.] Shh! [She quickly gets both of them under the covers.]
- Danny: [entering] Michelle, honey, did you tuck yourself in already?
- Michelle: Daddy I'm sleeeeping.
- Danny: Well first I want my goodnight kiss [uncovers the blanket].
- [Comet comes out and gives him "kisses"].
- Danny: Ah, Michelle, what wet lips you have [see Trivia]. How did Comet get in your bed?
- Michelle: [shrugging] You got me.
- Danny: You know the rules. No dogs in bed.
- Michelle: [wagging her left finger at Comet] You're in big trouble, mister!
- [Danny kisses Michelle.]
In the kitchen, Stephanie sits at the table, with a pile of used tissues in front of her.
- Stephanie: I'm not gonna sneeze. I'm not gonna sneeze. ... Ahh. Thank you, nose... [She sneezes. And that causes the pile of tissues to go everywhere].
- Michelle: Happy New Year!
- Stephanie: It's not a holiday, Michelle. I have a terrible cold.
- Michelle: I'll make you all better. [She puts Comet's water bowl on the table, goes to the refrigerator and takes out a bucket of fried chicken, puts a drumstick in the water and stirs it around. Stephanie watches this with a confused look on her face.] You're gonna love this.
- Stephanie: What the heck are you doing?
- Michelle: Making you chicken soup.
- Kimmy: [to Danny] We don’t need you, Mr. T. We already booked a big TV star.
- Danny: [his smile fades] Bigger than me?
- D.J.: Jimmy Chung said he could get his Aunt Connie.
- Danny: Connie Chung?! You booked Connie Chung for Career Day? I’ve been trying to get her on my show for years.
- Kimmy: Tell you what: Have your people call my people.
- Danny: D.J. ...
- D.J.: I know, Dad: 'Make new friends'.
Michelle comes down to Joey's room with a glass of water with an orange in it.
- Michelle: [to Stephanie] There you are. I made you some orange juice.
- Stephanie: It, uh... sure does look fresh.
- Michelle: [wagging her finger] Go back to bed. Right now. Move it!
- Stephanie: But, Michelle...
- Michelle: I said 'Move it, mister!' [As Stephanie goes upstairs, she throws her hands up] Kids.
- [Jesse and Joey continue to present their ad idea.]
- Joey: Okay... we fade-in on an elegant library. We pan over to a portrait of a goddess draped in but a wisp of chiffon. As the classical music swells, a great intellect enters. The suave, classy, debonair, IQ Man!
- Jesse: [coming downstairs wearing glasses and holding a book (as shown in infobox photo)] I want to know if I can live with what I know? ...And only that.
- Joey: As the IQ man ponders that thought...
- Jesse: Hmm...
- Joey: A dream-like mist fills the room. Suddenly, the goddess in the painting comes to life. She's drawn to the IQ Man by a mysterious power. There's something about him I can't resist. Is it... his eyes? [Jesse takes off his glasses.] Is it... his smile? [Jesse smiles.] Is it...
- Jesse: Stop! [turns to face Joey, who is now nose-to-nose with him] If you must love me... love me for my IQ.
- Joey: [grabs a package and holds it up] IQ. Now available in biodegradable roll-on.
- Mr. Malatesta: [to Jesse] Katsopolis, let me explain your options to you. Either you do it, you do it or you do it.
- Jesse: What was the second one again?
- D.J.: Dad, remember Jimmy Chung? The pathological liar?
- Danny: Oh, I’m just taking a shot here, but, uh, he couldn’t get his Aunt Connie, huh?
- Kimmy: He doesn’t have an Aunt Connie.
- D.J.: His name’s not even Chung.
- Joey: [to Mr. Malatesta; pointing at Jesse] This man is not a hamburger, and I am not a side of fries, and you, sir, are a... Chicken McNugget!
- Jesse: Joey, are you gonna quit or order a Happy Meal?
- Joey: We're quitting!
- Jesse: That's my partner. [shaking hands] C'mon, we got better places to be.
- Joey: We just lost our jobs, where are we going?
- Jesse: Career Day. [And off to Van Atta Junior High they go.]
In the living room, Stephanie is reading a piece of paper, as Michelle comes in.
- Michelle: Tissue, tissue, tissue [and grabs Stephanie's paper, sneezes on it and hands it back]. Thank you.
- Stephanie: [holding the paper by one corner] How rude!
- Michelle: [wagging her finger] You gave me your cold. Take it back.
- Stephanie: No can do. Once it's out of my nose, it's out of my hands.
- [Michelle frowns at her (almost doing "The Lip", but not quite).]
- Joey: [enters the front door] Hi, girls.
- Stephanie: Hi, Joey.
- Joey: How are you, Michelle?
- Michelle: She makes me sick!
- Stephanie: What she means is: I gave her my cold.
- Joey: Well, I'm sorry you got Stephy's cold, but you know the good news? Since you took such good care of Stephy, I'm sure Stephy is going take really good care of you. Right, Steph?
- Stephanie: Nice guilt trip, Joey.
- Joey: Yeah it was, wasn't it? Bye, girls. [He leaves.]
- Stephanie: In the words of Michelle Tanner [with the same finger wag], 'You. Upstairs. Into bed. Move it, mister. Move it!'
- Michelle: Chill out, dude! [And upstairs to bed she goes.]
- Jesse: Hey Joey. Got bad news for JJ Creative Services. The bank turned down our business loan.
- Joey: How could they do that?
- Jesse: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because we have no experience running our own business, no collateral, no credit rating. Why do you think they turned us down?
- Joey: Hey, just because you're cranky and unemployed, don't take it out on me.
- Danny's line, "Michelle, what wet lips you have!" is a take on the line "Grandma, what big ears you have!" from "Little Red Riding Hood"
- The second of four episodes this season to use the Lorimar Television music in the closing credits
- An outtake from this episode features the scene with Danny's loan to the guys, and John Stamos (Jesse) confusing "The Impossible Dream" with "Happy Days Are Here Again", at which point he realized that was the "wrong song"; in take two, he almost completes the title, when Bob Saget (Danny) tells them, "Hey, I got two hit shows" (the other being America's Funniest Home Videos), eliciting laughter and applause from the audience