|The Legend of Ranger Joe|
|Season 5, episode 6|
|Air date||October 22, 1991|
|Previous||The King and I|
After waking up, Joey feels like his life is going nowhere, and does not want to read the bad review of his stand-up performance the previous night. But it turns out that there is no review because there is no newspaper due to a strike. Then KFLX radio station calls, asking Jesse a cartoon trivia question that Jesse does not know the answer to, but Joey answers it correctly, winning tickets to the Donny and Marie Osmond reunion.
Linda, an attractive technician from Hilltop Cable Company, comes over and puts a booster on the cable out back, then comes inside and works on the TV. She makes it so that channels such as the Truck and Tractor Pull Network are available. Joey invites her to go to the Donny and Marie reunion with him, and she gladly accepts because tried to get tickets to the show but it was sold out.
Jesse and Joey sit down to watch Wake Up, San Francisco. Today, there is a special guest: local children's TV show legend Ranger Roy, who is Joey's childhood idol. Roy announces that, after 30 years of hosting The Ranger Roy Show, he is retiring. Before he does, he will be choosing a new "ranger" to succeed him and keep the show going. Knowing that Joey would love to have that job, Danny schedules Joey for an interview with Roy for the job. After the interview/audition, Roy gives Joey the job, and Joey lays a hug on Roy and leaves. Because of the hug, Roy starts hyperventilating. When he catches his breath, he tells Danny that Joey is fired.
At home, it turns out that the bad review on Joey wound up in the newspaper because the strike is over. Then, he receives a call from KFLX saying that he does not get the tickets because his fourth cousin is a janitor at KFLX, and relatives of the employees are disqualified from the contest. Linda comes by and says that the cable is out again and walks out when Joey tells her that he did not receive the Donny and Marie tickets. Danny then tells Joey what Roy said after Joey left the station. Danny explains that Roy was hyperventilating when Joey hugged him because Roy has a condition known as acute physical paranoia, and physical contact causes him to hyperventilate and break out in hives.
Joey rushes to the station to apologize to Roy. When he arrives, Roy has another panic attack and Joey fills in for him. Roy is so impressed that he changes his mind and gives Joey the job again, and the title of the show is now The Ranger Joe Show.
Meanwhile, D.J. is curious as to why Jesse is obsessed with making sure the twins get cool names when they are born. D.J. calls Jesse's mother, who tells her that Jesse's real name is Hermes, which is the name of the Greek God of swiftness. When Jesse was in kindergarten, he was teased about that name so mercilessly that he begged Irene to start calling him something different, so he adopted the name Jesse, which was the name of Elvis Presley's twin (who died at birth).
Elsewhere, Stephanie bestows her old pair of tap shoes to Michelle. However, Michelle becomes obsessed with learning how to dance to "Tea for Two", and an annoyed Stephanie becomes obsessed with getting rid of the shoes. She puts them in a plastic bag and buries them in the ground hoping that this will cure her of the nightmare, but Comet quickly digs them up, and Michelle thanks Jesse (calling him "Uncle Hermes") for finding them.
Ranger Roy: [on Wake Up, San Francisco, to the hosts] And now, I have an announcement to make to all your viewers. After 30 years in the Enchanted Forest, me and my buddy Merle the Squirrel (puppet) are retiring. Right, Merle?
Merle: Right, Roy! We are packing up our nuts and moving to Florida to the enchanted condo!
Danny: Howdy ho, junior rangers.
Michelle: Howdy ho, Daddy.
Teddy: Where's Wanger Woy?
Danny: He's taking a little breather. Anyway, I'm here. I'm Ranger Dan.
Joey: Hey, kids. How'd you like to hear a Mr. Woodchuck joke?
Mr. Woodchuck: Knock Knock!
Kids: Who's there?
Mr. Woodchuck: Isadore.
Kids: Isadore who?
Mr. Woodchuck: Isadore (Is a door) made of ... wood?
Ranger Roy: I have an announcement. This show is the last one for Merle and me.
Ranger Roy: But the good news is Ranger Joe is taking over!
[Michelle is trying to tap dance to "Tea for Two" the way her sister taught her, but her sister is trying to do her homework.]
Michelle: [continuously tapping and singing:] 'Tea for two and two for tea...' You're not watching.
Stephanie: [looks up and takes off her glasses] Michelle, I watched all the way to school. I watched during school. I watched all the way home from school. I watched, and I watched, and I watched.
Michelle: Good. Now, watch this. [continuously tapping and singing:] 'Tea for two and two for tea...'
Michelle: [enters the living room, turns off the TV, and angrily points her finger at her sister] Somebody stole my tap shoes!
Stephanie: Does that finger in my face make you think it's me?
D.J.: [quickly coming downstairs] You guys are gonna love this. I found out why Uncle Jesse is so obsessed with finding cool names for the twins. I called Grandma and she said that Uncle Jesse‘s real name is Hermes.
Becky, Stephanie & Michelle: Hermes?
Becky: I married a Hermes?
Michelle: I got a Uncle Hermes?
D.J.: Yep. He was teased so much in kindergarten that he begged Grandma to change it to Jesse.
[Comet comes in with Michelle's tap shoes, followed by Jesse with the plastic bag the shoes were buried in.]
Stephanie: Alright! I did it! [buried Michelle's shoes] And I'm glad! All day long, it's been 'Tea for two', tap-tap-tap. 'Tea for two', tap-tap. I couldn't take it anymore! It was either get rid of those tap shoes or lose my mind. [She goes upstairs, reciting...] 'Tea for two', tap-tap-tap. 'Tea for two', tap-tap-tap...
Michelle: Thank you for finding my shoes, Uncle Hermes.
Jesse: You're welcome [turns to go, but then realizes what she said, turns his head slowly and looks at her – as the camera even zooms in on his face]. [D.J. and Becky try to keep from laughing.] What'd you call me?
Michelle: Uncle Hermes. That's your name.
[D.J. and Becky laugh. He points his finger at them and they stop laughing.]
Jesse: [while still pointing at them] Who told you my name was Hermes?
Jesse: She's lying.
Jesse: [lowering his finger] Okay... It's... Hermes.
[They laugh again, he points again, and they stop again.]