|Season 7, episode 15|
|Air date||January 11, 1994|
|Writer(s)||Dan Chasin & Linda Lane|
|Previous||Is It True About Stephanie?|
|Next||Joey's Funny Valentine|
It is the day before D.J.'s SATs. Despite everyone's mantra of "It's no big deal, it's just a test", she is so nervous about it that she's worried about her chances of getting into Stanford. Danny tells everyone else that they should use the mantra to ease her fears, but it fails. He even tells everyone else how nervous he was in high school when he had to go to an important track meet – the biggest in his life. And so nervous that he ran into the bar during the high jump in the decathlon!
That night, Kimmy is watching an episode of Wheel of Fortune when her best friend turns off the TV, saying she needs to study, and Kimmy says they can learn a lot from Vanna White (see Trivia and Quotes). But D.J. tells her how badly she needs to raise her score (see Quotes).
Meanwhile, as part of her school's "Safety Week", Safety Ranger Michelle goes overboard with her whistle as she "reports" violations for safety, sleeping, and stupidity; Nicky and Alex join in as her deputies (see Quotes).
When D.J. goes to sleep after her all-nighter for the big test on the big day, she has a nightmare about it, in which everything possible goes wrong: she oversleeps on the day of the test and is late and still wearing her pajamas and pink bunny slippers, Ms. Twitchel (Beverly Archer of Mama's Family), a neighbor D.J. yelled at, is the teacher, the test uses #4 pencils (instead of #2), Joey arrives with a typewriter-like device when D.J. doesn't have a calculator, Jesse steals the booklet with the correct answers and gives her said answers via a walkie-talkie that is stuffed in a breakfast burrito (which Ms. Twitchel immediately mistakes for one of the other students and throws him out of the room), time's up before D.J. can even fill in a circle on her answer sheet, Danny and Rebecca come by to broadcast the test live on a special Wake Up, San Francisco with Stephanie and the rest of the family as guests, and D.J. fails the test. (While Kimmy gets a perfect score and wins a scholarship to Stanford University and the heart of Steve, D.J. gets every question wrong and wins a scholarship to Clown University.)
When D.J. wakes up from this nightmare (as the inspirational music plays), Danny convinces her that she does not have to be so nervous about the test, and that when he took his SATs, he was a nervous wreck. He jokingly admits that he answered his first 12 questions with an eraser, and did much better once he turned his pencil around. They then hug (and the audience gives an "aw", as the music stops).
That day, her teacher turns out to be a much friendlier teacher named Mrs. Moffatt (although D.J. is initially taken aback at her resemblance to Vanna White). Unlike Ms. Twitchel, Mrs. Moffatt jokes about the use of #4 pencils, and (obviously) knows that #2 pencils must be used. She paces around the room to make sure everyone is following the test directions (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[The teaser: Michelle, Nicky, and Alex open the kitchen door to see Joey in the living room, lying on the couch with his eyes closed, listening and humming to music on his portable music player with headphones. At the same time, he begins to eat one of his...]
Michelle: Shh... We gotta be sneaky. [Tiptoes over to Joey, waving...] Come on. [finds a book and picks it up] Nicky, when I count to three, you pick up the plate. One, two, three. [Nicky picks up the plate and she places the book on Joey's belly. As she starts to walk away, he grabs the back of her overalls, opens his eyes and takes off his headphones.] Oops... Busted.
Joey: Okay, you little brownie-napper. Hand over the baked goods.
Michelle: [To the twins] You heard the man.
[It's too late; the twins are just finishing up eating the brownies.]
Nicky: [to Alex] Thank you.
[Jesse comes into the kitchen from getting the mail.]
Jesse: This is cool. Look at this. They didn't cancel this stamp. I got myself a freebie. [As he tears the stamp off the envelope...]
Joey: Hey, what are you doing?
Jesse: I'm gonna use this stamp again. It's called 'saving 29¢'... or in your 'language', 'half an Almond Joy'.
Joey [to D.J., as she and Kimmy enter from the back door] Hey D.J., talk to your uncle before he ends up on an episode of America's Most Wanted. He's trying to cheat the U.S. Postal Service.
Jesse: I'm not cheating!
Joey: Oh, correction: stealing!
Jesse: Okay, fine. You want the stupid stamp? Here. [licks it...] Here's the stupid stamp [...and sticks it to Joey's forehead].
[In D.J.'s room, while she is studying, Kimmy is watching an episode of...]
Kimmy: [doing the audience chant] Wheel... of... Fortune!
[An actual episode is shown on the TV, with Kimmy "dancing" along; however, D.J. turns the TV off.]
D.J.: Do you mind? I'm trying to study.
Kimmy: Hey, we can learn a lot from Vanna. She knows where every letter on that board is.
D.J.: Kimmy, look at this practice test. [shows it to her] I have to raise my score 150 points if I'm gonna get into Stanford.
[Suddenly, Michelle and the twins enter...]
Michelle: Safety Ranger and Deputies coming through.
D.J.: Michelle, what are you doing?
Michelle: It's Safety Week at school. My deputies are looking for violations. [She looks around the room, and then spots something that makes her blow her whistle super-duper loud...] Safety violation, safety violation!
Nicky: What is it?
Michelle: [spotting the jacket on top of the pole lamp, and taking it off] Whose jacket is this?
Kimmy: It's mine, squirt. What's it to ya?
Michelle: Clothes on a lamp can cause a fire. I'm giving you a ticket. Deputy, do your duty.
[Alex writes the "ticket", a Post-It note with an upside-down "sad face", and puts it on the sleeve of Kimmy's shirt, which surprises her.]
D.J.: Michelle, I really don't have time for this.
Michelle: There's always time for safety.
D.J.: Well, for your own safety, get out. Come on guys, let's go. [She escorts them out of her room.]
[In the living room, Danny and Becky are trying to figure out what to do for Friday's Wake Up, San Francisco, when D.J. and Kimmy come downstairs.]
Danny: Deej, Becky and I need some help. We can't decide what to do on Friday's show.
D.J.: Why don't you do it about a high school junior who flunks her SAT's and ends up as a pathetic drain on society?
Kimmy: Too late, Deej. My brother Garth already sold his life story to Hard Copy.
[While D.J. is in the kitchen, Danny discusses with the others.]
Danny: I think D.J. will do a lot better on this test tomorrow if we just downplay the whole thing. So, if it comes up at all, we just say 'Hey, it's no big deal. It's just a test.' Repeat after me. We'll all try it. Ready? 'It's no big deal. It's just a test.'
Everyone else: [monotonal] 'It's no big deal. It's just a test.'
Danny: I think she'll buy that [as he heads into the kitchen and the rest follow].
[The family prepares to sit down to dinner, but D.J. says she can't eat.]
D.J.: Guys, really. I'm never gonna get into Stanford if I don't go study.
Danny: Sweetheart, it's no big deal...
Everyone: [in unison] ...It's just a test!
D.J.: What, did you guys rehearse that?
[The next morning, D.J. is still asleep in her bed after pulling an all-nighter (with her study materials all around her). Michelle, with her whistle in her mouth, gives a loud blast down into her sister's ear, awakening her.]
D.J.: Michelle, what are you doing?!
Michelle: Safety violation!
D.J.: What?! What happened?! What did I do?!
Michelle: [showing her the "violation"] Sleeping too close to a pencil. You can poke an eye out.
D.J.: Michelle, I have a test tomorrow morning.
Michelle: It is tomorrow morning.
D.J.: [quickly picks up her clock upon hearing those words] It's 5 [minutes] to 8:00?! Oh no, I overslept! I'm gonna be late for my test [with a shocked look on her face]!
[Dream sequence about D.J.'s test in school:]
Danny: Alright, Deej. Now's the moment you've been waiting for your entire life. [He hands his daughter's answer sheet to the teacher, who puts it in the Test-O-Matic machine and pushes the button. It elicits a loser-type sound and spits the answer sheet out shredded, as everyone groans.] Aw, that's a shame, Deej; you got every one wrong. Ha, you're a disgrace to the entire family. Let's see what's left for your future, honey.
[Vanna turns the letters to reveal D.J.'s future, as everyone calls out each letter.]
Everyone: C! L! O! W! N! Blank! U! Blank! Clown U! [Followed by the loser sound again]
Vanna: Well, D.J., it looks like you're going to Clown University.
Joey: Hey, Deej, here you go. [He walks over and puts a red clown nose on her real nose.] That's a good look for you. [He honks the nose.]
Danny: Hey Comet, how'd you like to have D.J.'s room?
Comet: Oh boy! Thanks... Dad. [He and Joey walk away.]
D.J.: Steve, you still love me, don't you?
Steve: Oh, of course I do, D.J. So what if you screwed up the test? At least you spelled your name right.
Ms. Twitchel: Oh, not even close. [She shows the answer sheet.]
D.J.: WHAT?! I wrote "D.J. Tanner"!
Ms. Twitchel: Abbreviations are strictly forbidden.
Michelle: You missed your own name? [She blows her whistle.] Stupid violation! Duh.
Nicky/Alex: Shame, shame, D.J.
Everyone: Shame, shame, D.J.
[Later that day, everyone prepares for the test, and Mrs. Moffatt walks into the room.]
D.J.: This isn't happening.
Mrs. Moffatt: Good morning. My name is Mrs. Moffatt, and I will be administering this test. To begin, write your name on your answer sheet.
Kimmy: I'm drawing a blank.
D.J.: Excuse me? Are #2 pencils okay?
Mrs. Moffatt: I'm sorry, we're using #4's.
Mrs. Moffatt: I'm kidding! Relax; it's just a test.
- The sequel to this episode is "Taking the Plunge" in season eight
- The third episode where Comet "talks" (the previous: "Good News, Bad News" and "Secret Admirer", both from season four)
- The "Test-O-Matic" machine acts in a similar manner to when the Wheel is spun on Wheel of Fortune
- The "puzzle board" is three rows long instead of four on the regular show, and is much thicker in addition to being smaller in size
- When D.J.'s answer sheet is put into the "Test-O-Matic" machine, in addition to shredding the sheet, it makes a sound similar to when Bankrupt is hit on Wheel of Fortune
- The Wheel of Fortune "episode" resembles an actual episode on the TV in D.J.'s room
- The 1992–94 Wheel of Fortune theme plays three times in this episode: when Kimmy's watching and D.J.'s studying, when Vanna is introduced, and when the "puzzle board" is revealed
- The audience "whoos" once Mrs. Moffatt walks into the classroom
- Kimmy asks Vanna about getting "paid by the letter" and Vanna answers that when a player buys a vowel, the money goes to her (provided they have at least $250 to do so, and costing that much regardless of the quantity and/or appearance in the puzzle), and even says so when a "Y" is bought; this is not true, as on the show itself, "Y" is considered a consonant (which added to the silliness of the joke)
- In both the original broadcast and in reruns, the last still picture is that of Michelle and the twins entering D.J.'s room for "violations", while the DVD version shows the twins eating Joey's plate of brownies from the opening teaser