|Three Men and Another Baby|
|Season 3, episode 22|
|Air date||April 13, 1990|
|Previous||Just Say No Way|
Michelle calls Danny and Joey into her room because she says there's a monster in her closet. Joey tells her, "We've been through this 100 times: There's no such thing as monsters," not in her closet, not under her bed (though not mentioned, but most kids fear this anyway), not anywhere. She can only reply, "Uh-huh, there's a Cookie Monster," to which Joey tells her, "The Cookie Monster is not a real monster. He's just a sugar freak who got stuck with a scary last name." She insists that there are monsters in her closet, and Danny insists there aren't and intends to prove it to her. He goes over and opens the closet door and, surprise, surprise, the "monster" is actually D.J. in disguise and wearing Danny's old Halloween mask.
It is Friday, and for Danny, it is "Mop 'til You Drop" Day. But that is not all he has to deal with.
He, Joey and Jesse agree to act as babysitters for the Kagans' new baby (and Brian's baby brother), Tony, for a night. When Danny is too busy working to take care of Tony, he asks Jesse to help out. At first, Michelle is happy to see him.
Meanwhile, Danny enrolls Comet in obedience school, and it is not making the dog as obedient as Danny would like for him to be.
Also, D.J. requests Joey's help in completing a tricky math problem having to do with different kinds of nuts, but when Joey can't seem to figure it out, he resorts to getting some help from a very unlikely source – Mohammed's House of Nuts.
Everyone else is in awe over Tony's presence, except Michelle. Jesse reminds her that she's a "big girl" who sleeps in a "big girl" bed and also must learn to share her room with Tony.
Tony bonds with Jesse, who lets him sleep in her old crib, play with her toys and sings to him her special bedtime song ("(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear"), generally giving her the cold shoulder and letting her down, big time.
Jesse proves Michelle wrong when Becky makes him realize how hurt he is making Michelle feel. But when Michelle's anxious for Tony to leave, neither of them is happy with that, nor are they happy with her "baby"-ish behavior (see Quotes). Both think that rewarding her for being a "big girl" may help change that. At first, Jesse is hesitant, but Becky will reward him with a back rub if he tries it.
He heads to D.J. and Stephanie's room for a solution to this growing problem. It turns into an argument involving both girls, but they too agree: If Michelle starts acting like a "big girl", she'll get a reward in the form of a "big girl toy", with a choice of either D.J.'s "Pillow Person" or Stephanie's Mr. Bear. The deal is that Michelle must truly commit to her "big girl" attitude, or else the companion/toy goes back to its owner (see Quotes).
Danny returns home having successfully trained Comet to be an obedient dog, but his brother-in-law is still having problems trying to train Michelle to be a "big girl". They both decide she needs communication (see Quotes).
And that's what Jesse does: he communicates with Michelle in his room. She says that she is not giving "Willie" (which is who she named Mr. Bear) back, but he wants her to take her focus off the bear and focus on him. She says that he likes Tony more than her, but he says that is not true. She mentions the song and the crib from earlier, he says that it was a way to be nice to their new friend but he should have asked her first because he did not mean hurt her feelings. He says that she makes him smile, laugh, and feel good about caring about someone. He adds that a lot of people come in and out of his life (like Tony, who is leaving tomorrow) but she will always be his number one, his best pal, and buddy. They give each other a big hug.
After the happy moment, Stephanie enters and lets her younger sister keep "Willie", but Michelle decides her older sister can have Mr. Bear again. She gets a kiss just for returning him, and Jesse praises her for the first "big girl" thing she has done all day (see Quotes).
He then takes her back to her room, and she promises to be friends with Tony and also lets him sleep in her crib and play with her toys (as Jeff Franklin's EP credit appears). They leave and let him have his shut-eye (as the studio audience applauds and Thomas L. Miller and Robert L. Boyett's EP credits appear).
- Michelle: Uncle Jesse, come with me.
- Jesse: Michelle, where are we going?
- Michelle: To see Tony.
- Jesse: What's the matter with Tony?
- Michelle: He's still here.
- Michelle: Time to go home. Bye-bye, Tony.
- Jesse: Michelle, that wasn't cool. You woke up the kid.
- Michelle: Good. Now he can go home.
- Becky: Oh, Michelle. You don't mean that.
- Michelle: Oh, yes I do.
- Becky: Hey, Jess, I think Michelle's a little jealous because baby Tony's getting all her Uncle Jesse's attention. Now she wants to be the baby.
- Jesse: What would give you a crazy idea like that?
- Becky: Well, intuition, instinct... the fact that Michelle's sitting in the crib, sucking her thumb. [And that's what the camera shows.]
- Michelle: I'm a baby.
- Jesse: Michelle, you're not a baby. You're a big girl.
- Michelle: Goo-goo, ga-ga.
- Jesse: Alright, Michelle. Now, stop clowning around. You get out of that thing and start showing us what a big girl you are.
- Michelle: [faking it] Waaaaaa!
- [Taking Becky's advice, Jesse heads to the older girls' room, and tries to get some advice out of them.]
- Jesse: Listen, girls. I'm having a little problem and I wanna ask you about something. I've been hanging around with Tony and Michelle's getting jealous. You know that Tony's a baby and now Michelle's acting like a baby and I figured I'd give her something special for acting like a big girl. Do you have any suggestions?
- D.J.: Well, you know Michelle has had her eye on Mr. Bear ever since she could crawl.
- Stephanie: [angrily taking Mr. Bear under her arm as if she's afraid she'll lose him again] So, what's your point?
- D.J.: Well, you always said that one day you would give Mr. Bear to Michelle.
- Stephanie: Well, when I said 'one day', I meant, like, her wedding day. Here, why don't you give her your Pillow Person [handing it to her sister]?
- D.J.: Because Mr. Bear is a child's toy [despite her sister saying otherwise]. My Pillow Person is a sophisticated companion.
- Stephanie: Please. 'Sophisticated'? It's got arms and legs growing out of its face.
- D.J.: I say we let Michelle decide.
- Stephanie: Fine. With. Me. [They exit their room with their 'companions/toys'.]
- Jesse: That's a stupid-looking pillow. [He follows them to Michelle's room.]
- [D.J. and Stephanie negatively help Michelle make her choice between the Pillow Person and Mr. Bear.]
- D.J.: You don't want this boring square person.
- Stephanie: But he's much better than this disgusting, yucky, old bear. [softly, to Mr. Bear] I'll explain later.
- Jesse: [as he lifts her out of the crib] Michelle, if you want one of these toys, you're gonna have to act like a big girl, because these are "big girl" toys. Capisce?
- Michelle: Capisce.
- [Her older sisters, using sign language, each persuade her to take the other sister's toy.]
- [Michelle enjoys Mr. Bear as her "big girl" toy, for now.]
- Stephanie: [after leaving the room] What have I done?!
- Jesse: Well, I guess that took care of it.
- Becky: Turn around. [And surprise, surprise, Michelle's breaking the stipulations of the deal.]
- Jesse: Michelle, get out of the crib.
- [Both older girls, who've been eavesdropping in on this, are shocked... Stephanie more so!]
- Stephanie: [quickly storming back in] She's back in the crib?! If she's still acting like a baby, the deal is off! I want Mr. Bear back.
- Michelle: No!
- Jesse: [upon hearing Tony's crying] Well, I'll go get Tony a bottle. Take care of this, Beckala? [But she can't take care of the ongoing fight.]
- Stephanie: [as both girls fight for control] Give me Mr. Bear!
- Michelle: His name is Willie.
- Stephanie: [shocked, as she lets go] You changed his name?
- Michelle: You got it, dude [adds in the thumbs-up].
- [As Jesse warms up Tony's bottle, Danny comes home with Comet.]
- Danny: Jesse, you are gonna be so proud of this dog. And you're gonna be proud of me too.
- Jesse: They taught you to heel?
- Danny: No, the instructor taught me how to control Comet. You know, the relationship between a dog and his master can be a beautiful thing. Now behold, the new and improved Comet. [He unleashes the dog.] Comet, lie down. [But the dog dashes into the living room.] Comet. [to Jesse] He will lie down eventually. And when he does, I'll be waiting with a doggy yummy.
- Jesse: Danny, I'm glad you're here. I'm having a little problem with Michelle. You know how I've been hanging out with Tony? Michelle's starting to freak out. She's acting like a baby.
- Danny: Poor kid. How did you handle it?
- Jesse: Well, I told her to straighten up and start acting like an adult.
- Danny: And when that didn't work, what did you do?
- Jesse: Well, we tried giving her a reward for acting like a big girl.
- Danny: You tried to bribe her?
- Jesse: Don't cheapen it. What should I do?
- Danny: I think if you want Michelle to act like a big girl, you have to talk to her like she's a big girl...in words that she'll understand.
- Jesse: You got it, dude [adds in the thumbs-up just like Michelle].
[After Jesse and Michelle have their "little talk", Stephanie enters.]
- Stephanie: Michelle, I've been thinking about it, and, you know, you might need that bear more than I do. So have a nice life with Mr. Bear--I mean Willie.
- Michelle: Here, you can have Mr. Bear.
- Stephanie: Michelle, I love you so much.
- Michelle: Everybody loves me. [She gets a big fat kiss from her older sister.] That was a wet kiss [as she wipes her cheek with her hand].
- Jesse: I'm hip. Come here. Let me tell you something, Michelle. That was very nice that you gave the bear back. You really are a big girl.
- Michelle: I'm hip.
- Michelle: [to Tony] Night night, Tony.
- Jesse: Aww, Michelle, that's so sweet.
- Michelle: [to Tony] You're going home tomorrow, remember?
- The last of six episodes to use the extended theme song this season
- The episode title is a take on the 1988 movie Three Men and a Baby
- The second (and last) appearances of Joyce and Michael Kagan, and the only appearance of Brian Kagan's baby brother, Tony
- D.J. referencing Michelle eyeing Mr. Bear "ever since she could crawl" is a reference to last season's "Goodbye Mr. Bear"; though by that time, Michelle was already walking when she said she wanted Mr. Bear before anything was given away