|You Pet It, You Bought It|
|Season 8, episode 6|
|Air date||November 1, 1994|
|Previous||To Joey, With Love|
|Next||On the Road Again|
Jesse and Joey are trying to come up with a contest to have on their radio show, "Rush Hour Renegades", and the subject of TV theme songs is brought up by Joey, with the idea of asking listeners if they know the lyrics to one. Nicky and Alex like it when Jesse starts singing the theme to Three's Company, in response to Joey's idea.
Michelle has been selling lemonade on an extremely hot day, and surprisingly, she has earned $221. Danny has a painting of his great-great-grandfather, General Cornwall Tanner, enlarged and completely restored (and resembling Danny himself quite a bit). Michelle, without telling anyone how much she earned, does tell the guys she's going to the candy store when she has Kimmy take her out to spend the money. While Michelle and Kimmy are out, Stephanie tells the guys that Michelle earned more than $200. Of course, Danny is surprised, but not as surprised as he is when Michelle and Kimmy bring home a donkey whom Michelle names Shorty.
Michelle explains that she and Kimmy were on their way to the candy store when they happened upon a traveling petting zoo, where she saw Shorty and bought him for the $221 she earned. The problem is, he can't be taken back to the petting zoo because it is now on its way to Seattle. Danny feels that he has no choice but to let Shorty stay the night, and also lets it be known that he is to sleep in the backyard, and that he'll decide what to do with him tomorrow. He also warns Michelle that she'll have to feed and clean up after him, to which Michelle says she's fed and cleaned up after her hamster; however, D.J. assures her that feeding and cleaning up after Shorty is going to be a bigger responsibility than she thinks it'll be...much, much bigger. The twins want to go on a donkey ride but are sent to bed (see Quotes).
While everyone is asleep (or at least trying to get to sleep), Shorty starts making his braying sound. Everyone wakes up, and a neighbor complains about him (see Quotes). D.J. wants to get some sleep so she can look good when her senior picture is taken tomorrow. By this time, it's almost midnight. It seems that Shorty is quiet whenever Jesse sings the Three's Company theme song, so he does that all night in order to keep him quiet.
In the morning, Stephanie discovers that Shorty has chewed a chunk out of a map she made for geography class the previous day. D.J. is having an allergic reaction to him that is causing her eyes to look puffy, have to wear sunglasses, and to be all sniffles which wrecked her chances of looking good for her senior picture (see Quotes). He then eats a hole through the painting of Cornwall Tanner. Everyone likes Becky's idea of donating him to the local children's zoo. The problem is, the donation won't get Michelle any money to buy candy for the whole family or even to deposit the rest in the bank, leaving her heart—and her wallet—empty-handed.
Before they part ways with Shorty, they decide to serenade him one last time with the Three's Company theme song (as the audience applauds and the EP credits appear).
[The opening teaser: The twins run into the girls' room and start jumping on Michelle's bed.]
Nicky and Alex: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Michelle: [She does.] Guys! [They stop jumping.] Give me a break. Why can't you go wake up Stephanie, today?
Alex: Stephanie wakes up grumpy.
Michelle: Ah. So, that's the trick [as she gets up...]. You guys stay right here [...and walks over to her sister's bed]. Steph [shakes her bed], Steph! [She barely opens her eyes.] You gotta teach me to wake up grumpy.
Stephanie: [in a low tone] Back off, or you're toast.
Michelle: [fake smiling] Thanks for the lesson [turns with eyes wide open, and quickly moves away].
Kimmy: [to Stephanie] Boy, you really screwed up this map. Look, you got Florida way down south stickin’ out in the ocean.
Stephanie: Why do I get the feeling there’s a name tag and a paper hat in your future?
[Michelle enters the bedroom, carrying a shoebox with money.]
Stephanie: So, how’d your little lemonade business go?
Michelle: Not bad. I made $221. [Stephanie, D.J., and Kimmy are shocked.]
D.J.: $221? That’s unbelievable!
Stephanie: Give your favorite sister a hug. [They hug.]
Kimmy: Give your favorite neighbor a hundred [holds out her hand].
Michelle: I didn’t get rich by being stupid.
Michelle: [entering the kitchen] Hey, everybody! Guess what I bought. [She brings in Shorty on a lead, and everyone is shocked.] So, what do you think?
Danny: Please tell me that's a pinata. [commercial break] Michelle, you bought a donkey?
Stephanie: He's cute. He's got big furry ears, just like Uncle Gus.
D.J.: Nicky [carrying him closer], look at his pretty eyes!
Danny: Yeah, and his four legs and his 300 lb. body. I want him out of my kitchen! [...] This house is not zoned for livestock. [turns to Jesse] Jess, this is all your fault. [imitates Jesse] 'Hey, you gotta go out and live a little.'
Jesse: A: I don’t talk like that. Two: I thought she was going to the candy store. Now, unless that donkey has a creamy chocolate center, you can’t blame me for this!
Michelle: Well, we were on our way to the candy store when we passed this petting zoo.
Joey: Well, apparently, you didn’t pass it completely! [...]
Michelle: I like Shorty. And the man asked me how much money I had. I told him I had $221. And guess how much he cost?
Danny: Let me give him the benefit of the doubt: $220?
Michelle: No, $221. [...] And the man said, 'You pet it, you bought it.' [...]
Danny: You realize while he's here, you're gonna have to clean up after him.
Michelle: No problem. I clean up after my hamster.
D.J.: I think Shorty's gonna be a bigger responsibility.
[Michelle leads him outside, as wonky music plays to go with the slow walk of the donkey.]
[The girls are awakened in the night by Shorty's braying. Michelle gets out of bed first and heads to Stephanie.]
Michelle: Wake up, Stephanie. You're snoring.
Stephanie: It's not me. I thought it was your stomach.
[They hear Shorty braying again.]
Michelle: Uh-oh. It's Shorty. [They go to the window.] [to Stephanie] Do you think the neighbors can hear him?
Neighbor: [yelling] Whatever that is, I'm gonna shoot it!
Stephanie: I'm guessing they can. [They come away from the window.]
Danny: [calling out at the backdoor] I'm sorry, okay? I'm bringing him in! Go back to bed! Put your guns on safety! [to Shorty] Maybe tomorrow, I'll take you prospecting for gold.
[Everyone comes downstairs.]
Stephanie: What's wrong with him?
Michelle: Is he sick?
Joey: I'm not taking his temperature.
D.J.: If that donkey doesn't let me get some sleep, I'm going to look like a wreck for my senior picture tomorrow. That goes in my yearbook, my graduation announcements, my college applications.
Stephanie: It's also what they use if you wind up on Hard Copy. [...]
[The twins come downstairs with their parents.]
Alex: Donkey rides!
Nicky: Me first!
Becky: No, guys, the ride is closed. Come on, back to bed.
Joey: Come on, Jess. Sing it (Three's Company theme). Maybe you'll drown out 'Englebert Donkeydink' (see Trivia). [...]
Jesse: [to Michelle] What do you want me to do, serenade him (Shorty) all night?... [fade to him in the living room singing the Three's Company theme song to Shorty (shown in infobox photo).] 'Come and knock on our door. We've been waiting for... you'. We've got a thing, and some things, and some things, and... you need some donkey mouthwash, too.
Michelle: Shorty, are you sleepy, yet? [sighs] One more time.
Jesse: 'Come and knock on our door.'
Michelle: 'Come and knock on our door.'
Jesse: 'We've been waiting for... you.'
Michelle: 'We've been waiting for... you.'
Jesse: We've got a thing, and some things, and some things, and words that I still don't know. 'Three's company...'
[In the morning, Jesse and Michelle are sleeping on the couch.]
Jesse: [half asleep, with his eyes closed] Beck [rubbing Shorty's head], you need a shave... [smelling his breath] and a mint. [Realizing he's been rubbing heads with a donkey, his eyes open wide and his mouth opens. He then taps his niece.] Michelle, wake up. It's morning.
Michelle: [smiles after she wakes up and sees Shorty] You did it. You got Shorty through his first night. Thanks, Uncle Jesse. [...] [The happy moment is interrupted by...]
Stephanie: Ahhh! I can't believe it! It's ruined! [They run into the kitchen.] Uncle Jesse, look at my map!
Jesse: I'm sorry, Steph. I fell asleep. Shorty must've gone after a midnight snack.
Stephanie: He ate the entire Farm Belt. [The others come downstairs.] Dad, would you look at this?! Shorty ate my map. I'm gonna fail geography.
Danny: Just take it easy, sweetheart. I'll write you a note.
Stephanie: What are you gonna say? "The donkey ate my homework?" (see Trivia) I used that one last week.
Michelle: Shorty didn't mean to wreck your map. He just loves America.
D.J.: [comes downstairs, sneezing and wearing sunglasses] What am I going to do? I'm all sniffly. My eyes are all puffy. [removes her sunglasses] I can't take my senior picture looking like a blotchy blowfish.
Danny: Oh, man. Maybe it's an allergic reaction.
D.J.: To what?
Becky: I'll give you one guess.
Joey, Jesse, Becky, Michelle & Stephanie: Shorty.
Danny: He's in the living room?!
D.J.: Get him out! Get him out! I'm breathing donkey dander! [She runs back upstairs.]
Danny: [goes into the living room] Aahhh! My great-granddaddy Cornwall! [cut to a shot of Shorty's head poking through the painting as he continues to make a meal out of it]
Michelle: Shorty, how could you?!
Danny: That's it. He's outta here. [yelling out the front door] Anybody want to buy a donkey?!
Jesse: Danny, nobody wants to buy a donkey.
Michelle: I did.
Danny: All right. [calling out] Anybody want a free donkey?
Neighbor: Shut up, Tanner! I'd rather hear the donkey!
Becky: [grabs his arm] Danny, come in. The neighbors are armed and cranky.
Jesse: Okay, but you guys gotta help me. [singing] 'Come and knock on our door...'
Danny, Joey, Becky, Stephanie, Michelle: [singing] 'Come and knock on our door.'
Jesse: 'We’ve been waiting for you.'
Danny, Joey, Becky, Stephanie, Michelle: 'We’ve been waiting for you... where the kisses are hers and hers and his...'
Jesse: [snaps his fingers] That’s it!
Danny, Joey, Becky, Stephanie, Michelle: [singing] 'Three’s Company, too.'
Jesse: Those are the words!
- The episode title is a play on the phrase “You break it, you buy it”, which is found in many shops (especially those that have very fragile items), in which a retail store holds a customer responsible for damage done to merchandise on display
- Stephanie's "The donkey ate my homework" is a take on the well-known excuse "The dog ate my homework"
- Joey's "Englebert Donkeydink" is a take on Engelbert Humperdinck
- Cornwall Tanner is somewhat of a reference to Civil War general Stonewall Jackson (whose real name was Thomas Jonathan Jackson)
- Animal Actors of Hollywood is credited as "Comet & Shorty Trainer"
- A similar plot from this episode is used in the first Full House: Michelle book: The Great Pet Project (1995)